Yesterday was ok. We went to lunch. She was fidgity and bouncing and cried after we said loving things to one another. I found out that she was out of her anxiety medication and made sure I picked it up before coming home from work. She has been out and off of it for 3 days. Not the best move for her I think.
I went to the grocery after work. We walked the dogs together, watched some tv and talked about our days. Then we made sushi for dinner (her favorite) together before going to bed. She was pretty zonked out after getting her missing medication back in her system.
While we watched the tube, both of the shows we watched had adultery as a minor theme. Uggh! She was far more uncomfortable than me. When one scene took place she looked at me, rolled her eyes and said "Really?" During one of the commercial breaks I said to her, "ya know, shows like these will not always be so awkward for you to watch." She responded, "Yes they will. For the rest of my life." I said, "It just takes time."
She admitted to going through my internet search history and seeing that I had been looking at apartments recently. She didn't like it. I told her that I had no control over her actions or decisions and all I could do was be prepared to take care of me. I normally would not leave the house but if she does not commit to the marriage and leaves for the AP, I cannot afford the mortgage alone and will have to put renters in it until it sells... so I have been preparing myself and getting information on places I might be able to afford.
A specific complaint that my W had about our M in the more recent years was that we got too routine. We didn't go out and do new things like we used to. She was right. We got comfortable like so many other M's and she was bored. So a 180 for me is to try to include her in some of my GAL activity. I invited her to go with me tonight the a craft beer tasting and then dinner. She accepted. She enjoys craft beer and a local exchange is going to tap a rare beer tonight and I thought she might enjoy trying it. The thing is... craft beer tasting, brewery tours, etc... was "their" thing. The AP got my W into it. It pretty much consumed all of their "dates" in other cities visiting these places when on the road for work. And now she is a fanatic!
I don't want her to lose that. She really truly enjoys it so I will try to be a part of it for her. She suggested a restaurant for dinner afterward and now we have a date. I will be tabling all R talk and just enjoying the night.
Intersting note: yesterday evening I reminded her that the rare tap was only from 5-6pm and that gives us 30min. after I get off work today to get there. She said "Are you sure you want to go down there? What if I don't like the beer?" It felt like she was being lazy. Like she just didn't want to get up and out. Could it have been AP woes? Maybe. But I chose not to assume. I went with my gut and said, "I know it's hard sometimes to get out and about when you don't feel up to it but it's good for both of us. We'll be really glad once we get there. It'll be fun!" She said "I know. Yeah, you're right."
So here we go. I am going to focus on work and ride the waves as they come to me today. I keep telling myself that I have time. Just to sit in where we both are right now and breathe. She knows my decision and she hasn't chosen to leave. She might, but right now, today, she hasn't. So I still have as Cadet puts it, "the gift of time" and I will use it wisely.
Me(F):40 WAW:44 T:13yrs M:9yrs BD:2/12 (I saw a text) ILYBINILWY: 5/12 PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11) S:2/13 Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13 W moves home to R: 10/13
