i just wrote to you in your thread - hadn't seen this- so it probably doesn't apply- feel free to chuck it.
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Goodness Nero, I am a hopeless case, I should just jump into a fairy princess story where I am guaranteed a happy ending. No wonder H rocked my world so much, I'm a sap!
HHHEEEEEEY - what's so bad about being world's biggest SAP? you're talking to pink & cheery! cripes... meet world's 2nd biggest sap.
hey- we could form a club- the "look at the brite side" club - saps only...
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Thanks for the encouragement on my thread, you had some good points about me being on the right track. I think I'm doing fine also, but I still would like to have this behind me already.
i'd kill to have it DONE AND OVER too.. really.
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Stuck, is an understatement! I'm forced to be someone I don't want to be anymore.
i know- it's so icky to feel yourself changing - your heart - your response - i had a nice chat yesterday on phone w/h but the sheer neutrality of it- the non-love-attachment of it left me feeling very bad and empty afterward. i just don't want "neutrality" for the rest of my life.
here's what i wonder tho- what hangs me up (i think it's an AGE ISSUE for me tho- you've still got youth) I wonder if, realistically, once i ditch this - if i ditch this r - it's probably my last life with someone & r. i cannot even imagine dating- looking - "making it happen" and i cannot even imagine it happening by itself. my brain cannot take me to a place where i'm happy all alone - and it looks like i will be. that makes me in no rush to end it all without looking under every single rock here. - i'm a pack animal for sure. i know me pretty well. i've at least GOT TO THINK i have love - (i think, to feel happy).
YEAH- I KNOW EVERYONE IN THE WORLD will jump in here and make me feel like a stupid cow of a jerk - "you have to be happy with yourself, etc." - yeah, i GET ALL THAT - (i like me fine- i find my company good BUT - I LIKE HAVING someone to share my stinkin life with- first choice. who doesn't want their first choice? and then settle next???) it's just i know me, well, (who i've been for 62 yrs so far (who i become- who the heck knows) i'm just doin my best with what i know so far)
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Hey Nero, what do you think about getting on with life not concerning yourself or wondering any more about the past, or present w H? Watch the more I reveal this attitude the more he'll pull me in?
Everyone in universe on this board seems to think that is exactly what will happen. perhaps this is the "detachment" you are supposed to feel - that will impel you to show him a person he desires. idk dawn-
part of me thinks you and me, we think x-y or z- BUT we're always open one little bit to whatever comes along - comes next. it must be true or we would have run away screaming long before now.
maybe you're feeling yourself soooo near the end- you're just anxious to make it the end. i've thought a million times i should do something - anything - even something stupid i pay for dearly, just to be done with it- the pain of the uncertainty- the stinking pain of the stinking "waiting" for the other shoe to drop - waiting on someone else. it sure goes against my grain in life - to be held at bay and "contained". i want to be free and i want to feel free.
(funny huh? this woman that WANTS to be attached - big time) also feeling an OVERWHELMING desire to be free. free of restraint i guess - free of worry & pain- free of someone's elses domination of the sitch -
petty? or productive? idk
i never realized i was such a control freak- i seem to be. maybe you too? maybe it's soooo hard for us to change because we're soooo used to being in charge of us - the house - the r...???
maybe you've been doing quite good with the dbing and waiting for h to go thru his journey- maybe it's not our natural state to be a scared , waiting little bunny on the sidelines - we need to be out there hopping round doing what we like, being who we like, having what we like-
maybe you're having a "lapse" in faith in the process & it all and h and you because you're just worn out and tired and WANT SOMETHING NEW to happen - some closure or some action.
you can do it- or you can suck it up a bit more and be patient - idk which is your right step.
if you're goin for it - i don't want to talk you out of your heart's desire here. my thoughts are anyone is capable of anything- and i've made some stupendous choices i thought i wanted most of all - with horrendous results - i never knew i'd feel the way i do now- how can we ever know how we'll feel when we do it- ??? but a part of me thinks short of death- anyhthing is possibly reworkable- undoable- redoable, etc...
i am sooooooooooo PRUDENT - IT'S PITIFUL. but believe me- the saying is true:
IF YOU GOT HALF YOUR WISHES , YOU'D DOUBLE YOUR TROUBLE".
i'm with ya dawn- whatever you decide i'll be your biggest supporter.
my natural prudence says decide it- get a job or something that will take you out of house alot or alot more (see what this does to dynamic) - don't do anything totally rash - make sure your financial ducks are in a row - whatever you DO, DO IT SLOWLY AND CAREFULLY-
OH GOD - LISTEN TO ME? WHAT A FUDDY DUDDY- I AM APPARENTLY UNABLE IN LIFE TO JUST SAY "BUST IT UP IN A FLAME OF GLORY".
I'VE NEVER even quit a stinking lousy job that was a rip off in a "flame of glory". i am physically unable to advise it.
but whatever you do- i'm with ya 100%. love ya (after all- you're white pure and innocent little dolphin)
hope your day is good - i overthink things til i drop.
xxoo tell me what you're deciding as you do... best of luck -
