Emotional Connection and Attraction

[Accuray]

BC39,

I've read some of your sitch but not all. After my W's EA I faced similar feelings to what I believe you're going through -- that my W didn't find me attractive, but had been very attracted to OM.

There are a range of books out there about "How to make yourself attractive to your wife again" advocating a range of strategies.

The unfortunate thing is that focusing on your "attraction" feelings for your spouse is reserved for the "honeymoon" phase of relationships, and may not be a reasonable expectation for a more mature relationship like yours, particularly one that has gone through the type of trauma yours has. Therefore, you may be striving for something that is not attainable, and your wife's expectations for how she "should feel" may be misguided.

If she expects to feel about you the way she did about her EA partner, the unfortunate news for you is that she never will. Affairs are built on fantasy, and include a high degree of self-deception. This is induced by the involuntary release of chemicals in your brain and there's nothing either of you can do to "force" those chemicals to release.

I read a book called "ILYBINILWY" which I think presents the most accurate and realistic view of how feelings evolve over the course of marriage. The author says that the initial "high attraction" in love phase of marriage is known as "limerance" and is characterized by putting the object of your affection on a pedastal. You exaggerate all their positive traits, and turn their negative traits into endearing quirks, or even positives. During this phase, you're awash in brain chemicals, and have diminished capacity for rational decision making. This is a *wonderful* feeling, and is addictive, which is why affairs are often so hard to give up, and those feelings are mourned for a long time after the affair ends. The feelings are intensely pleasurable.

Often times, the strength of these feelings are bolstered by fear. Fear of losing your lover, of having your affair discovered, the fear fuels the love. That's often why the LBS often feels more "in love" with their spouse than they have in years -- it's driven by the fear of loss.

Those feelings *inevitably* pass, no matter who the relationship partners are. It has a defined shelf life from 6 months to 3 years at the longest.

What replaces them is something the book author calls "Loving Attachment", which is the norm for a healthy marriage. Feelings of attraction and limerance may resurface from time to time, but often as flashbacks brought on by adversity, temporary separation, making up after arguments, etc.

Therefore, the appropriate "goal" for you and your wife may not be "attraction forever after", but instead a return to "loving attachment". The author differentiates them as follows:

"Someone under the spell of Limerence is bound tightly to his or her beloved, however well or badly he or she behaves. In the case of Samantha and her lecturer, because he was unaware of her feelings, he virtually ignored her, but her attraction to him still stayed strong. In contrast, Loving Attachment needs to be fed, or it will wither and die. While Limerence makes someone turn even their beloved's weaknesses into strengths, long-term couples -- Loving Attachment couples -- are only too aware of their partner's weaknesses. Finally, a couple under the spell of Limerence does not care about practical matters like earning a living because they have 'their love to keep them warm,' whereas a Loving Attachment couple tackles the complexities of life and its practical demands together.

Unfortunately, the myths about romantic love -- and lack of knowledge about Limerence -- make us believe that once we have found our partner, we can then relax, because love will automatically bridge any problems. Even when overworked or preoccupied with children, we imagine our partner will understand if he comes at the bottom of the list of priorities, or she will forgive if we fail to complete that task for her. In the short term, Loving Attachment will survive this kind of neglect. But if consistently abused, a relationship with Loving Attachment will deteriorate."

The book goes on to say that when people say "ILYB..." what they're really complaining about is lack of loving attachment, they have in fact become detached.

What happens at that point is loving attachment is replaced by "affectionate regard". Affectionate regard is not conditional, because it exists independently of how the recipient behaves. It is the kind of "unconditional love" you have for your children, parents, that you might have for your neighbors or friends. You feel love for them regardless of what they do or say, or how frequently or infrequently you see them. It is "detached love", and unfortunately that is not enough to keep a marriage together.

I guess what I'm saying to you is give yourself a break -- I think this "attraction" goal you and your wife seem to share is going to be unattainable, and the quest to try to foster it will put unneeded pressure on both of you. You will feel like you're failing for not inspiring it in her, and she will feel like she's failing because she doesn't feel it.

Your goal should be to get "invested" in each other again. This is fed by listening, sharing, generosity, physical contact (not just sexual), being supportive, sharing a sense of humor, and going the extra mile for each other. None of those things require you to be "classically attractive", but I bet that if you achieved them all mutually you'd be very satisfied with your marriage, and thoughts of attraction wouldn't even be on the radar. The "attraction" is needed to bridge the gaps when these things are missing, but in itself isn't the fuel that keeps the marriage burning.

Hope that helps.

Acc