GM, it's in the tough times that see who we really are. I am very glad you are poised and courageous and had the character to stand up and say those things.
It's after the tough times that we often find out what true forgiveness is really all about and why it is important. We also find out what the true cost of forgiveness is. It's never cheap.
I know it's tough, GM. Work through the grief as best you can. I hope you have a speedy healing process. I also know it gets better and I hope that you continue to set and enforce fair boundaries.
We're here to help. Please let us know how we can help.
Peace, AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Thank you so much for the consoling words. I knew I could come here and safely share my grief.
AJ, thank you for asking how you (board members) can help. I so rarely get asked that question. I cried. I've had so much on my shoulders and at times have felt very alone. Just reading all of responses helps so much. I appreciate all of the kindness, compassion and honesty. Sometimes I don't want or can't see what the rest of you do. Looking at another perspective facilitates my growth. I'm so grateful.
Lots of tears tonight. I so badly wanted to be one of the lucky ones.
GM your husband is broken. It is not normal to have a smirk on your face when you end a long marriage. Like you I find it strange that the Courts accept it all without asking the any searching questions.
You did so well, and it is so hard. All I can say is that the pain goes away. Our spouses have to live with what they have done, and I believe it comes back to bite them. I subscribe to the view that most MLCers have a borderline personality disorder which gets worse as they get older, and they eventually cannot make an important life transition.
They flip from needing us for their well being to not needing us, and hence, in their crazy minds, discarding us without much thought. Some blame us and divorce, and others stay around being 'nice' but having affairs. Neither state is good!
This will have taken its toll - please take care of your emotional and physical health, and yes, tell us what you need in the way of support.
Lots of tears tonight. I so badly wanted to be one of the lucky ones.
GM - You are one of the lucky ones. You may not see this right now, but I know that your decisions have made you the person you are. Which is a very strong woman who was dealt some crappy cards, and dealt with it the best way possible.
I know that the outcome may have not been what you wanted, but your future is still unwritten. Things can and will change.
Feel the grief, sadness, and anger. And then let it go and move forward. You have many blessings that will fulfill your life.
I have been looking at this with a mental image that maybe will help you.
Life is a see saw or a scale. On one side is all the positive and one side is negatives. In my life my positives far outweigh the negatives and the positives are "lifting me up". In my H's case, I can totally see the opposite. His only positive right now is whatever feel good he gets from OW/GF. But he has lost his wife, kids, financial security, home, extended family, etc. etc. While I have all those things, except a OM/BF.
This is the same for you GM!!! You will make it through with all those things intact and so much more.
Please know this divorce is not the end of your journey, but a part of it. And know that life is never constant and always changing.
Luv ya girl!!! Take care.
BombOctober 2012- OW 11/28/12 -H still denies Separated 11/29/12 Own place 12/12/12 Confessed OW/EA/PA 2/2/13 Oct 2013 - I knew I was done Jan 2014 - Anticipating the rest of my life
Thank you all so much. I'm really touched by your kindness and support.
I feel flat today. I haven't cried yet, but I know I've been holding back until tonight when I'm alone. I am so very sad. I feel regret over things I could have done better, including initiating counseling when I started to feel a disconnect. (Now the tears are flowing.) I was really triggered yesterday when the judge inquired about counseling. How could xh walk away from me and his family without even trying to work our M? We all might have been spared so much pain. I would have given so much effort if only I had been given the opportunity.
I still want xh to wake up before we go too far into the future and create even more distance.
I'm not sure what to do now. I don't want to pursue someone who isn't interested in me or even kind. He's also in a R and I won't interfere. It's so hard to let go of the long history together. Also, even though he's acting in a hurtful way now, I know the good things about him and the deep bond we had. I wish I knew that I meant something to him, even just as the mother of his children.
GM The only thing you can do is get on with your own life, and start to find and re-find the sources of deep content that you had before you met your xh, and things you have always enjoyed doing.
When you first start this process you will not immediately get back that joy, but like getting fit again after a period away, gradually the feelings will return. Being able to go to a place emotionally that is safe, even for a few minutes each day will strengthen you.
Every single day now for you is on the path to recovery. You will probably always love who your xh was, but you can and will recover yourself.
If you haven't read Susan Anderson's book, 'The Journey from Abandonment to Healing' I strongly recommend it. It helped me a lot in those dark times.
Bea, I know you're right. I need to look forward, not back, but I'm struggling. This would have been so much easier if xh and I had tried to work on our M, if he would have been kind, if he would have made sure the boys and I were settled and had what we needed before jumping into another R. I've had no closure. I can only guess what's happened to him and us based on information that I've gathered. I don't even know if I'm right. None of this changes anything. It just makes what I need to do harder and more painful.
I really wish I knew that I had meant something to him. That he had really loved and that all our years together weren't a waste. It's so painful to be cast aside and replaced and wonder if I ever mattered.
