H is back from his solo trip out of town to "clear his head". I talked to him today for the first time since Wednesday. He said the trip was therapeutic. We talked for 40 minutes. Mostly just chatting about what we've done the last few days, trying to follow the rules...but he did ask about my therapy appointment today and I told him honestly what we talked about. I know it's not exactly DB but I have to be realistic...and we haven't discussed the R at all in 3 weeks. My feelings of resentment and abandonment are building because he has walked away and left me here dealing with 3 emotional kids that have heard family members say we're getting divorced, the house, the pool, the crazy in-laws (they're right next door), my own emotions because this was totally unexpected, etc... And he's just living the life of a bachelor. I did not sign up to be a single parent. I am doing my best to lovingly detach...but my kids shouldn't have to!
And he's still telling me every time I talk to him he hopes we can fix this...and if my resentment keeps building it's going to be a lot harder to fix. If he really wants to fix it I need to see action, not just words. I told him we have to find a balance between me giving him his space (which I think I'm doing a great job of and he agrees) and me getting enough support to not feel totally abandoned and dumped and like a single mom. He agreed and said he thinks he's ready to start therapy with me. He said to send him my schedule for the next few weeks so he can make the appointment. So, fingers crossed. I put a lot more research into the therapist this time so we don't end up with another dud...I hope he makes the appointment soon. He told me at the end of May he was going to and every time I mentioned it after that he accused me of pressuring him. June 16 was the last time I mentioned it.
Also, I know, believe nothing you hear...but he did say 2 things on the phone today that he has NOT said since BD...I just let them slide, pretended like I didn't notice. I do follow some rules.
1 -- he said he misses me. He hasn't said that since he moved out. He also said he misses my emails...I was sending him marriage articles, etc... in the beginning but I stopped that after finding y'all. He noticed. 2 -- he mentioned the future for the first time. I have told him since the beginning of this that I'm not staying in this house if we don't stay married...it's too big/ too much to care for/ too expensive/ too much of a reminder, etc... And he has also said he doesn't want to live here anymore if we do work this out (in-laws have gone nuts!). So, the house will probably get sold sooner rather than later. We mentioned it today and he said maybe if we work this out the kids and I can come live in his apartment with him while the house is on the market then we'll buy a new house. I had the same plan in my head but have never mentioned it. Today, he mentioned it himself.
