Circles no more

[shouldistillhope]

Going to start a new thread since this seems to be the beginning of a new chapter for me. Hopefully someone can post a link to my old thread since i am not very good at getting that to work.

Well, house goes on the market today. For any of you that have followed my sitch, you know that i received ilybnilwy right at the beginning of a major remodeling project i had undertaken myself on our home. One of her complaints was that i did not get her the new kitchen i had promised a year ago (didn't have enough funds at the time.)

Also, final D papers are ready for me to sign and the D will be final at the end of this week.

I have learned a lot through this process with tons of help from all of you, and i want to thank each and every one of you for that. Emotions are still all over the place, but better than they were 4 months ago. I have found out some ugly things about W as far as hiding purchases on credit cards and how she was dealing with our finances and even though i realize i need to change my life from this point on and keep working on myself, i now understand that even if she told me she was wrong about filing for D and wanted me back, it wouldn't work out. Just too many variables with her and things she said she wouldn't work on or even try.

I am running a balancing act between anger and depression (mild) these past couple weeks, but hopefully as time passes, i will be able to deal with these more productively and move on from them.

I sure have made my share of mistakes in our M, but i now have come to terms with the fact that it is not all my fault and until both of us are willing to change, we will not be able to have a R like this again with each other.

Funny thing though, i still hold out hope that someday the fog will lift for her and we can try and work on a new R in the future. Over time i am wondering if that feeling will diminish and that scares me in a way.

I had an amazing past 5 days with my sons. We went to the same campground that we had been going to the last 10 years when W and I were still married, and for the first day or two i really struggled with my emotions and not letting them see me down. They ended up having a blast and that is all that matters to me at this point.

I wish i had a crystal ball to tell me what the future holds, because being patient is not a strong suit of mine at all. I just found out that the last concert my W and i went to on my 40th birthday is going to be back again in Sept. This was the last good time we had together and i am looking forward to asking her if she wants to go with again. The problem is, this will only be 2 months after D and i know that is pursuing and i know better, so i will not ask her, and maybe try and see if i can go myself. I still see a future with her down the road, and i just cant seem to let go of that right now.

I am nervous about what the future holds, but in a way, i am excited as well. I will keep posting as the days and weeks go on in case she contacts me and i need advice from you folks.

Stay strong everyone and good luck. I wish i had found all of you sooner, but it just didn't work out for me this time.