BC39,
Again, I think it's pretty simple for you right now: she's not in love with you. That's ok though, she can be in love with you again, provided you do the right things CONSISTENTLY. At the same time, she needs to be out of a "withdrawel" phase, which she is in right now (it protects her heart). Basically, she came out of her shell a bit, but went right back in because you did things that hurt her. You won't be able to make much progress with her in this state, you'll have to wait patiently until she feels comfortable enough again to emerge. If you mess up again, and are disrespectful- boom, she'll go right back into herself. Be very careful- you could cause her to believe that you can't change, and you will lose her.

As I wrote before (re- read my post), only focus on time alone and having fun. Do not be disrespectful- if you're not sure what constitutes being disrespectful in marriage, read, read, read articles on the web (it will surprise you). You probably are making mistakes and are not even aware of it.

An affair is a fantasy. Understand that part of that fantasy, which was interrupted in the middle, is that neither participant has any real faults. They just don't see them. They spend all of their time telling each other how wonderful they are. Forget about that "alpha" stuff- this guy was just flattering her and listening to her- that's it! By comparison, you seemed like a needy, whining complainer that was scolding her for being "wrong", and pushing himself on her sexually. Which person would seem more attractive to her?

You need to entice her the way that he did. Talk, flatter, make her feel special. Stop trying to get in her pants. You almost (and still may) lost this woman- don't push her out the door. Use some empathy, think about the whole situation from her point of view. I know it's hard not to fight for your unmet needs, but are you meeting all of hers?

By the way, if you keep pushing her for S, you may inadvertently cause her to have a sexual aversion to you. Heck, it may already have happened. This will take time to work through.

If you don't make her happy, she'll be spending a lot of her time wondering how the OM is. Does he miss me? Is her thinking about me? Maybe I should call just to see if he's ok?