Going dark w/kids & finances in the mix is incredibly difficult. Maybe dim would be a better approach?
Some of my thoughts at the moment...
It seems that when the switch is off, it's off... I'm setting a personal time limit for a couple months. If we're not at least dating by then, I'll be agreeing to proceed with mediated D.
Fighting/Delaying D can be considered pressure if W wants out. I feel like some of the DBing stuff can easily play into increasing Nice Guy (NG) behaviors (i.e., becoming the H only a fool would leave). There's probably a balance, but it's tricky to figure that out.
IMO, Ws are leaving their Hs these days b/c they're tired of the NG behaviors. They get the man they want (maybe even a "bad boy" to start!) and then turn him into a NG. Finally they're bored with who they've unconsciously helped form (or, p-whipped). All the while, they want a man who challenges them. They don't want another kid for a H. This is difficult for long-term NGs.
Have you read Glover's "No More Mr. Nice Guy"? I know I wish I could drop my NG behaviors. I'm working on this now as part of my 180s. I probably wouldn't be where I'm at now if I would have maintained my own identity and not become so co-dependent over the years. I guess that's what IC is for.
I def feel being too much of a Nice guy has hurt in some aspects of my marriage but I know who I am and I know that's not the cause of this. I know I have done things wrong but what can you do when your W says that she just knows who she is and wants to live alone? I know some of that is bull but I really so know my W and I can actually see her as that kind of women. I still struggle with how a W that has a 5, 4 and a now 9 MONTH old, would decide to do this? And knowing that she said it all came upon when she was about 2 months pregnant with the baby, just makes me think that hormones are playing a huge roll. Maybe that's just me reaching for some explanation. As I was reminded a few post ago, I am very early on in my marathon. I have a long way to go. And I take hope in that given more time she will realize she wants to try to make the marriage work. We did NOT have a bad marriage all. No fighting, had fun, but didn't work at keeping our love alive to the point she needed I guess. Never made time for just the two of us to stay connected the way I wish we would have. So I'm giving into the plan and letting time do its thing. Will continue with GAL, working in myself and the things I want to improve on for myself, having fun with my 3 young boys and staying healthy. Back in my 32" jeans. Lol. Praying for everyone out there going through this. Take care.
M:33 W:32 Married:8 Together:10 S:5,4 and 8 months BD: 4/1/13 W move out day: 5/4/13 ILYBNINWY,WAS. No talk of wanting to save relationship
Ha! I'm down to 30". When I bought new jeans (Levi's, but not the standard looser ones I always have worn) W let me know how much she liked them: "Turn around... lift up your [untucked] shirt." Do not believe any of what you hear.... LOL.
M:46 W:46 M:25;T:29 S:25; D:17 BD:12/22/12 D process begun:1/21/13 W moves out:3/1/2013
Anyone who isn't embarrassed of who they were last year probably isn't learning enough- Alain De Botton
Jax, sounds so much like me and my sitch too. Not that we should be spending much time analyzing Ws (they're on their own journeys), but it sounds a lot like depression is playing a role here. Has your W seen an IC?
I've been so tempted to show DR to my W, but I know it will only backfire.
Question: How has your W reacted to you spending more quality fun time with your Bs? Is that a 180 for you?
My W claims to be seeing a counselor but I have not seen the insurance receipts come through the mail like mine do so I say she is lying. But I wasn't the one that asked that, she told a friend that we both are. As far as seeing the boys, that would be a BIG NO!!! Because of the situation we are in, I actually see my boys less. I have always been a very involved dad. that was never an issue. I hate seeing them less and I hate hearing them tell me they don't want to stay at mommies and want us to live together again. It's rough, as we all know.
M:33 W:32 Married:8 Together:10 S:5,4 and 8 months BD: 4/1/13 W move out day: 5/4/13 ILYBNINWY,WAS. No talk of wanting to save relationship
Last 5 days I have as I said I have gone Dim on my wife, (due to hard to go dark with young kids involved). Well today she texted me about having to fire someone at her business. I listened, validated and then ended the conversation without dragging it on. Felt good. Baby steps.
M:33 W:32 Married:8 Together:10 S:5,4 and 8 months BD: 4/1/13 W move out day: 5/4/13 ILYBNINWY,WAS. No talk of wanting to save relationship
