Grace, Love, Compassion & Faith - Huge Impact

[Valeska19]

Ha ha - KG - you really know how to make a gal feel special!

Journal -

I had off all last week from work. I think this happens on purpose because there are times when I just need to reset myself. Release the stress and open my heart up to the next steps I need to take.

I know learning about boundaries is the next step for me. I am just awful at expressing my wants or when a hurtful word is said. Although I think I have rid myself of expressing in a "victim" like way, I'm now coming across as slightly cold and spiteful.

This is not the first time I have heard this... it's a big part of why I stopped expressing myself... because I HATE it when people think I'm being unloving..

But now I realize that their perspective (although valid) is not MY truth and it's up to them to look at what I am saying and check their own hearts.

Yet - I know there is still growth for me there. I have to teach myself how to speak this new language. Yay to more growing pains.

This all ties in with my x.

I came out of church yesterday with just a peaceful feeling that it's time to reach out to her. And here are my thoughts as to why.

I don't know who my x is. I do believe she is changing and I know that there is much work I need to do to believe in those changes. That there are many fears I need to recognize and face.

It is work that I need to do. It's work that I need to do regardless of x, otherwise I will bring it into new relationships. I already see that happening with the new girl that I am interested in.

But if I want a dynamic to change... I MUST BE THE ONE to change it. And my current relationship with x is a dynamic that no longer works for me.

I go through life with my heart of my sleeve. I'm not afraid to give anyone I care about a hug or send them a random text saying that I'm thinking of them or that I am thankful for how they touch my life.

I'm not afraid to say when I'm struggling or to ask for assistance. I'm not afraid to reach out and give them assistance.

I do this very often...for I believe in doing life with others.. and that God created us to be in community with one another.

The people in my life now have learned to accept and embrace that I.. am just a very emotional person.. To say I'm an open book.. doesn't even compare.

So it makes me very uncomfortable that I have to close my book to my x. That I have to suppress feelings of gratitude or loving thoughts because I am scared that she will run or that it will pressure her.. or that I will get too attached to someone who is not emotionally available.

I do not blame x for the choices she made or continues to make. I understand that we are all human and emotions DO play into our choices. She is taking baby steps towards me.. and that is great. We all have to grow in our time.. in our own way.

I truly believe she is doing NOTHING wrong.....

... but it just doesn't work for me any more. If my x wants to "be there" for me, then I need to "be there" for her. If she feels pressure, then she needs to work through that vs. ME walking on eggshells.

At the same time, I need to be honest with her. That the choices she made to cut me out of her life, forced me to cut her out of mine. And even though there are no hard feelings really... It's hard for me to let her back in.

And even though there is work on my end, when there is that much pain caused.. both parties need to put work into fixing it. That happens with any friendship.

I know this is coming across as a "my way or the high way". It's really not.. or at least I don't think it is.

I just came out of church no longer doubting. Yes - I am not sure why x and I are talking but I know that I need to be myself in all of this.

These last two years have shaped me into the best Val.. and it's time I stop doubting myself and my actions.

I have been stagnant the last 3 months and it's time I move forward. I don't know if x will respond saying yes to meet. I don't know if she will respond positively to my thoughts.....

... and that's okay too. If she is not ready to grow there - there are no hard feelings. The conversation isn't about her "rising up to the challenge" but me expressing how I have changed

And that I need to be the new me.. because I have no doubt that the new me, is the best I've ever been.

... caz being the new me is truly what makes me the happiest.