More birthdays have come and gone. We're both a year older.
We have officially started "trying" for baby number 2. I am... ambivalent about it. I want more children. I want them to be close in age to D. My milestones that I required for D to accomplish before a 2nd one have been achieved (1. follow simple directions 2. be potty trained... thank GOD). We are... stable. I suppose. As stable as can be given the bullsh!t H put us through over the past 3 years.
I have started EMDR. Long story short, it's one of the ways to deal with trauma. I had to make a list of all the "snapshots" that I think of when I think of the A. I f@cking hated it. And it made me hate him even more. And it's been almost a week since I made that awful list, and I'm still furious over it.
My IC is on Saturdays. We established my "safe place" and went over the various events. T has chosen to go through them chronologically vs. by intensity of trauma because I'm having a hard time ranking them as to which ones were least traumatic. They were all traumatic. They all suck almost equally. Sure, some are a 10 and others are an 8, but none of them are so low to be a 5, much less anything lower or less distressing. After reading it out loud, the T said, "you realize all of the things on that list are due to his own mental illness, right?". Yes. I know this. And he just dumped it on me. How sweet.
I just motherf@cking hate him right now.
I keep hoping that if he can be a good father/spouse through this next pregnancy that it will go far. In fact, I feel sure that it will. But I'm terrified of the alternative.
When I'm not being my kindest and tolerating his normal level of BS (which, not being dramatic, his friends have often said to me "how the hell do you live with him??"), he is now resorting to verbal abuse. Which I ignore, because my give-a-sh!t meter is at an all time low with him. He can call me all the nasty names in the book that he wants, and I'm probably still going to be a B to him.
When he does it in front of D, that's another story. Let me be clear. He is not verbally abusive to D in anyway. He is not abusive at all in anyway to her. But he did call me some names in front of her yesterday, and thank God (really, HE should be thanking God, not me) that she was engrossed in Mickey Mouse otherwise I would have ripped him apart.
I reiterated to him after she went to bed last night that if someone were ever to call her those names, I'd personally kick their a$$ and he knows it. By saying those things to me in front of her teaches here that that is appropriate behavior from a man.
And it's not. Period.
I just want him to go away for a while. I hate looking at his motherf@cking face right now. I just want to drop off the radar.
I hate that D asks for him all day. Not that she doesn't seem to be having fun with me (although during the potty training trials I thought we might both kill each other). But she loves him dearly.
I wish she didn't love him so much. Maybe then I'd say "f it" and leave.
Maybe he'll end up being a sh!t head dad down the line. At this point, I'm still so angry with him, I just need one good excuse to leave.
I know the anger will fade. My T said the average time it takes to recover from an affair is 5 years. That's without prior trauma (which, lucky me, I have.. so it might take longer).
I remember reading the stats on divorce and how stupid it is most of the time. I remember the beginning of DR. I remember the pain of being a child of divorce. I know that most times it's not the best choice (barring abuse).
I'm just so OVER being mentally handicapped by this. And I'm tired of being an angry, MEAN b!tch. I've always been assertive, but now I'm just straight up mean to H. I try to keep it in check in front of D, but it's going to seep out. Sooner or later.
