Lost, confused and trying to make a stand

[brobafet]

Weniki,
Thank you for your words. Today I feel a ton better. Namely because of work and its distractions. I'm not much on meditation but I am on prayer and I can and have been doing a ton of it. I think I am asking for the wrong thing right now...and will be adjusting my prayers.

The knife in my heart is completely accurate only it feels like three. I am slowly removing them. I just don't want to see her with an OP and have those re-enter my heart. So my healing will need to be slow so I can mend them and be strong for my babies. I worry the most about my daughter because she went through this and remembers the first time, I do not want her to be consumed by anger and loss. She knows I love her mom and that I miss her mom but she doesn't know the whole story, and her understanding of all of it will not be complete. It's a mine field. If W's guilt is a time bomb and if that is true isn't mine also? Or am I dealing with it right now? The sadness of failure is my most constant pang. I don't want my kids to grow up believing that love isn't a real thing and that marriage isn't one of the greatest things they can experience.

I'm reading DR...again though it seems futile but at the same time I know it has a road map to help me become a better person. This is just crazy. Crazy! I will not be crushed by this