Emotional Connection and Attraction

[BC39]

Thanks so much LTH, perspective from your side is very helpful.

I think you need to be patient regarding the sex. I know it took a long time for me to be attracted to my H again, and feeling pressure to have sex made it worse. And, ironically, I couldn't stand my H's kisses at the time. I never thought about it before OM but after, I didn't like them at all. That is all changed now and I love his kisses again. She sounds like me and it sounds like she is trying to push you away because she isn't ready inside.

W has confused me in this regard.

4-5 months ago I felt like she needed space so I didn't pressure or initiate sex for few weeks. She then initiated, we had S, then afterward she asked why she was always the one that had to initiate. I told her I was just giving her space.

So we'd had S a few times after that point then she denied me a few times. After one of the denials I brought it up the next morning and she said "well you didn't try very hard". (like she wanted me to pursue her)

Then about a month ago our mutual friend told me W had been feeling some pressure to have S, so I backed off. That's where we've been since.

We've been reconciled for about a year, I'm not 100% but I think this may be the longest we've gone without S.

Be patient. And please, stop trying to talk about everything. I don't know if you were a big talker before her A or not, but my H wasn't and then afterwards he wanted to talk about EVERYTHING. I couldn't stand it, it drove me further away.

That's the thing, we barely talk about it. There's many times I want to but I just leave it.

We've had two big R talks in the last 10 months. One was in October when I found out she called OM a couple times. I told her I needed to take a step back from marriage, she instantly had an "awakening", begged me to work on it, and said she was in marriage 100%. She even wrote me a letter, which I posted here. It was at that time I joined this forum.

Our other big talk was over a month ago when I received a text from OMW. She had just found out and reached out to me and told me some info that confirmed W had lied about posting pics during A. We had a long R talk during this, at the beginning of which she said she didn't see us being married in 3 years.

Everything has seemed good before this so I'm hoping she just had her guard up and was deflecting and the convo was fairly emotional.

The very next day we had a heart to heart and both agreed we wanted to work on it.

We had S about a week after that talk which was initiated by her, it went very well.

I initiated a few days after and we had S but I could tell she didn't want to.

A couple days after that (about a month ago) our mutual friend tells me W has been feeling pressure and so I backed off.

Maybe it feels like she hasn't put any work into it. It took me a long time. My feeling now is that I was so far out of my M, it actually took me a couple of years of getting back in to actively be able to work on it. Many days I wanted to but just as many I didn't. All of the pressure made me want to run away. It is not an easy road. Continue to DB, GAL and give her time.

Understood. I'm hoping she's just having a off few weeks (upcoming surgery, new business stress) and that it isn't something more.

What did your MC focus on? Just the affair or what happend in your M that allowed your W to feel it was okay to make that choice?

We focused mainly on communication. We did discuss affair but didn't focus on it. I tried ti gear the convo toward moving forward.[/quote]

What does this affection look like? If they are "playful but sexual touches" that is not affection and is a turnoff when you are struggling in your M. Sometimes even when you aren't. It's nice just to be hugged for no reason, have a hand on the arm or back as you walk by, etc.

Up until a few weeks ago my affection included being playful with sexual touches, but she had no problem with it, she played right along.

We would do walk by hugs and kisses, cuddle on the couch, fall asleep holding hands etc. 50% was initiated by her.

The last month 90% of this is initiated by me. I'd still done the odd playful sexual touch but she has seemed uncomfortable at times...this is a first. So I've pulled back on those as well.

As for the other issues, have you ever thought that she's extremely worried about her surgery and that intimacy is the last thing on her mind? That's YOUR NEED.

Its possible, but she's been acting like this for a couple weeks before she even found out she needed surgery.

I've asked her a few times how she's doing with it and she seems genuinely fine. She's actually opted to have a hysterectomy (remove uterus) at the same time. She said she looks forward to not having periods (they we're bad at times). I'm keeping a close on this, she's been known to keep things in and not tell me how she's really feeling until we've talked about it a few times.