Hey jb - are you still poking around here on this forum?
Me: 43 W: 37 Together: 18 M: 15 D: 8 yrs old ILYBNILWY: March 2011 She Filed for D: August 2011 She moved out: Sept 1, 2011 Reconciled: May 2012 Divorce Case dropped: July 2012
Hey jb - are you still poking around here on this forum?
Hey NTX! I still do occasionally check in.
Big surprise, but I continue to be very busy living this new life I've built for myself through this journey.
I had already discussed the car thing with my L last year when my W bought her previous car. It's looking like I'm clear of any responsibility toward her car purchases.
About 3 weeks ago, my W did text me in an attempt on trying to negotiate some of the terms of the D agreement. I didn't feel it was appropriate to do such a thing via text, so we had a phone call the next day. We still having some sticking points, and during the conversation she left me feeling like I hadn't grown at all over the last 2.5 years, more like I'd regressed to about 8 years ago. I think she was frustrated I've hired a L and that I won't just go along with the way she thinks it should be. I've had time to process it over the last 3 weeks and the truth has been working its way back. It's kind of funny, she's the only person in the world that can lead me to feeling bad about myself. I left the conversation, too with a little fear that she may do something irrational like just outright file for D for instance. I think I've realized that may be possible, but the worst case scenario isn't realistic.
One of the biggest sticking points remains to be the transportation for my S. She has made the decision to move 40 miles from me (and our S for that matter) and yet expects to split the transportation evenly. I think at this point it's more a matter of what we're going to put down in the agreement more than it is about what we're going to practice. Over the summer, we're trying to arrange it so my S is only going back and forth once a week. I'm doing a little more driving than it looks like I'll be doing during the school year, but we're trying to minimize between the two of us. During the school year, my W is just planning on coming and spending a couple of evening with my S during the week and then he would be with her only every other weekend.
For now, I am still waiting to hear back from her. It could be any day, any minute. She's had it in her court for 4 weeks now. Yet, anytime we talk about it, she intimates that I'm primarily responsible for making the process drag on as long as it has.
Nice to hear from you. Sorry to hear the latest on your sitch. Seems like your wife is taking her frustrations out on you. But You sound like you got your handles on the sitch...good for you.
Nice job JB, keep us posted!
Newman
me40; W43 M18; T~20 D18; S13 & S3 bomb 5/9/11 EA busted 4/30/12; 9/4/12; 4/29/13; 6/10/13 same OM
Separated 4/1/14
"Even a flicker of light will shine through darkness-12/25/2012"....better days ahead.
Rick, I don't have any significant tangible updates at this time. Of course, that could all change in the blink of an eye.
We have been waiting to hear back from her L for 6.5 weeks now on the D agreement stuff.
I do know when my S has been visiting my W, she has been a little lax on attending to his needs. I realize it's summer, but she hasn't been making him shower, many times the laundry's not caught up, and she has very little there for him to eat. He says she spends very little time with him - most of the time she has her head buried in her phone or laptop or she's talking on the phone.
My S has told me my W is actively dating. That would have hit me like a ton of bricks a couple of years ago. I surprised my myself about how much I really didn't care when he told me that, at least for my sake. For my S's sake, it's a different story. She has been going through a pattern of dating several men in serial. Within days, she has brought the guy to her house. Then they break up and she's sad, according to my S. IMO, the way she's handling the dating is totally inappropriate, whether we're D or not.
It's become very clear she is unwilling and/or unable to work on herself. She's looking for someone else to fix her. She's disappointed every time.
My W continues to make herself more unattractive to me as the months go by. She is continuing this downward spiral. Meanwhile, I feel like the Lord is leading me in an entirely opposite direction. It just seems like we're getting further and further apart. Yet, that all being said, if she were to wake up one day and without a shadow of doubt say she wants to rebuild the M, there's a chance I would be receptive. That is, if I saw clear evidence she was changing the path she's currently on.
"With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.' - Matt. 19:26"
What is your goal at this time?
Keep the faith-
Actually, it was Jesus that said that. I just quoted it and felt like God gave that to me back in February of 2011.
Anyway to answer your question, I am really just taking it one day at a time, asking God what we wants me to do. I am trying to listen for His will. I am trying to also keep the momentum going with my new life.
I am eager to have someone to share my new life with now. I'll have to be honest, right now I don't feel like my W is very compatible with me.
Be really careful about letting your 12yo be the conduit of information about what your W is doing and how you feel about her actions. Don't put him in that place, and don't let him be there if he's using complaints about mom as an easy conversation topic to have with dad. Your care and concern in response to his comments will encourage him to report more and get more of that positive attention. It's just my opinion but I think if he's feeling down about lack of attention from his mom, focus on teaching him some ways to address that directly with her such as to ask her to make a plan to play a game with him or do an activity with him. He's going to need to learn how to navigate the relationship with his mom and get his needs met, and he's old enough to start learning how to do that. I would discourage him from reporting her dating activities to you, and if he complains to you about it perhaps tell him it is completely normal for divorced parents to date. You may telegraph your disapproval to him so he sees this topic as a way of bonding. There is usually stuff going on under the surface with kids of this age that neither of you may realize is happening if you're not on the lookout for it, and dad=good mom=notsogood is not really healthy for him. He's got to learn how to make the best of his reality.
You personally sound like you're in a pretty good place; it's been a long journey, huh?
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Be really careful about letting your 12yo be the conduit of information about what your W is doing and how you feel about her actions. Don't put him in that place, and don't let him be there if he's using complaints about mom as an easy conversation topic to have with dad. Your care and concern in response to his comments will encourage him to report more and get more of that positive attention. It's just my opinion but I think if he's feeling down about lack of attention from his mom, focus on teaching him some ways to address that directly with her such as to ask her to make a plan to play a game with him or do an activity with him. He's going to need to learn how to navigate the relationship with his mom and get his needs met, and he's old enough to start learning how to do that. I would discourage him from reporting her dating activities to you, and if he complains to you about it perhaps tell him it is completely normal for divorced parents to date.
This is a very tricky situation. I would say I am putting a lot of this into practice in the way I'm handling it - maybe not to the letter, so to speak.
When he tells me these things, I just listen, almost to the point where I'm just simply collecting data. I really don't offer too much of an opinion, and he's the one bringing this up almost all of the time of the time. I'm not perfect in this regard. I do offer suggestions on things he can do to spend time with Mom, and even asked him if he's discussed some of these things with his Mom. I remind him his Mom loves him, and I believe she does.
There is some fear there, that I will handle myself the same way as Mom. It has opened up a discussion on how I do intend to handle myself post-D. I have candidly told him there may come a day when I will want to date, I just don't feel like now is the right time. I have told him I don't intend for him to meet anyone unless it's reasonably serious. I have asked him if he would want to know if I'm dating anyone when the time comes. He said he would like to know, but he didn't want to meet anyone unless it was serious.
There's a fine line here between letting him decide or learn what's right or wrong and avoiding throwing Mom under the bus, which the latter is highly inappropriate IMO. Not that she doesn't do it to me because he has also told me about some things she's said. (e.g. one of things she's told him is that I'm delaying the whole D process, yet I've been waiting on her almost 7 weeks now). Again, on those things, I have listened, but not really provided any feedback or defense.
Originally Posted By: adinva
You personally sound like you're in a pretty good place; it's been a long journey, huh?
Yes, I think I'm generally in a good place. I have my moments and days, but overall and all things considered, I think I'm doing well. And yes - it has been a l-o-o-o-o-n-g journey for sure. I think you know a little bit about that.
