What the...?

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H didn't talk to me the rest of the night, didn't hold my hand when we were tv in bed (he has been every night) and stayed as far on his side of the bed as he could. The whole thing strikes me as very immature and I am grateful I have learned enough in the last few months to let it go.

I couldn't really sleep last night (normal, not because of this) and I thought a lot about our M. This Sept will be 10 years of M and I realize it has been this way for most it. I am exhausted from the constant struggle, the good times don't last and H has no idea how his actions affect our M.

This morning I just acted as if, talked normally, PMA. We were originally going to 6 Flags today with S and then leaving him at my mom's overnight and going to dinner and a movie. H decided yesterday he was going to work today because of the weather and he would take tomorrow off. I was in the shower and he came in and asked if I wanted to make reservations for dinner tomorrow night. I am glad he appears to have let this go and not give me the silent treatment, however, brushing it under the rug is not going to work because clearly there are issues.

I have not brought up anything since our conversation, do I bring this up? I am always aware of not doing things to make him run away again and not sure how this will go. However, ignoring it seems more dangerous.

My take on our M is this:

H has said a few times he understands why I had an A. This is lip service to me because his refusal to forgive, to move on, his anger and the fact that he still brings it up (4 years later) show he doesn't.

H blames me for all that is wrong in our M. I don't think this is in my mind. When we talked in May, I made it all about him. I validated his feelings and listened to what he had to say. It wasn't a game, I felt I had never truly understood him and wanted him to know I did. However, even when he spoke, he only focused on what I did. In the 6-8 weeks following, he still has not made any effort to discuss his part in any of this.

H has had several inappropriate friendships (EAs? maybe). We have never discussed them except in arguments and he says it is completely different. I told him a month ago that I wouldn't tell him to end his latest friendship (he says he only texts her every few months to see how she is doing and they haven't had coffee in at least 6 months" but that I had a big problem with it and if/when he realized I was more important I would like to know he ended it.

I said that, at some point, I needed to know he was willing to actively work on our M and to create a new one. His action appear to show he is working on it (or most of them) but he has not verbalized his willingness to commit to it. Lack of commitment from H is a HUGE issue in our M.

His comment yesterday about how much he is working show me that he is still harboring anger & resentment towards me but not showing it every day. I feel like the last 2 months are just another lie in our M.