NLW, I don't know how I'm going to sign the stipulation agreeing to terminate our marriage when I don't agree with it. It's not what I wanted, especially for my kids. it makes our future uncertain and changes the course of our lives. My attorney wants to do it that way (in the hallway, before the hearing) rather than go before the judge who will grant termination anyway. I need to do it and I will. I just hope I can keep it together.
NLT, I definitely think D reform is needed, especially in my state. There are too many people, especially children, being hurt by no-fault D. I really applaud the states that order MC and/or a significant waiting period before granting D. Marriage is just not respected or valued. People breaking contracts are not held accountable, especially those that walk away from children the way my H did. Family court is not punitive, but it ought to be. The stakes are too high.
GM, my ex once told me that "marriage is just a piece of paper" and more recently "contracts are just guidelines." Some people have no reality based thinking when it comes to such things. But like all contracts, they are only as good as the enforcement. Because that's what a contract is really for - to create stipulations for how things will work and penalties if they are not adhered to.
Your L is likely very good at negotiations. Like all negotiations, you can reason with anyone provided they are rational and are willing. If they are not willing, then you have to rely on the process and the laws.
Divorce will change your lives. It already has, as NLW pointed out. The divorce is one more chapter in the book.
All that said, I suggest you continue to look for ways to mediate. It seems to me that you don't want the divorce and may be working against it in some ways. I could be wrong. I wouldn't blame you either way. But it may be working against you getting things settled.
I can tell you that if you're afraid of what might happen if you say what you think, it's a sure thing what is happening will continue if you don't. It may continue if you do, but you'll at least have tried. There's nothing to fear in this. You'll be fine and will be better than you may think. Certainly nobody wins in a divorce, but it can be a big deal or it can be one more point on the journey.
You can thrive regardless of the curveball. You will have to look for those opportunities to do so.
Peace, AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
AJ, my feelings about being D'd and getting a fair settlement are unrelated. Unfortunately for me, I had a bad attorney for most of the process. She advised me not to accept any of the offers that were made and I followed her advice. My current attorney would have advised me to accept all of them with minor tweaks. A lot of opportunities were missed. Now I'm facing my biggest fear, losing my house. I will be forced into a living situation that is not my choice. My life just keeps changing at the hands of another. It's just wrong, but I have to accept it. Alternatively, I came up with a plan B that is my choice. Now my H is standing in the way of that and we will have to fight it out in court. At ths point, I really don't know what he wants. He keeps changing his mind and nothing is acceptable.
I know I'm a good person, but even good people need to rant. I get my H's issues, but I need to have a moment here to address my fears and frustration so that I don't get stuck in anger.
At the moment though, I am angry. I'm angry that I've had to fight to stay in my home. It was what I wanted for myself and it was best for my kids. Financially it was a sound decision. My H is angry that I made that choice and I wouldn't sell at the bottom of the market like he wanted. But gee, since I struggled to pay the mortgage the entire time he's been gone, now he feels entitled to half the equity because, guess what? My decision was a good one. The market turned around and there's a lot of equity once again. So I endured months of spew regarding how stupid I was for keeping the house (H was convinced that the house would continue to lose value) but now he wants to profit on my stupidity. And BTW, he told me numerous times that all further losses would be mine to deal with. So at the moment he is insisting that I sell (and guess who will have to deal with all of that?) and be displaced. But there's more. Because I can't buy another home in my area I will being paying over $2,000 in rent for a place that I don't even what to live in. He's also blocked my move out of state for the moment and since the hearing isn't until fall I have no choice but to dig in my heals and endure the legal costs or surrender. This isn't right!!! It's because I have two kids that I need to consider, kids that he doesn't want to raise, that my housing choices are limited. God, I am so sick and tired of this!
Please give me another way to look at this (I know I'm lucky to have my kids), because I feel like I'm going crazy dealing with this. And then I think, why on earth would I want to reconcile with this person?
Reconcile? I don't think that's really something to worry about right now, do you?
As for the house and the missed opportunities - why not let him know that? Let him know, hey I missed some opportunities in the past to settle this, how about we save ourselves some time and money and go back to that? What do you say?
He might say no or he might spew. Or he might say yes. Check wiht your L but I see no downside. If he wants to gloat and say, "if you had done that before, we could have been done with this" then let him. He's right, but that's not really important.
On that note, being right is not important, is it? It seems to be for you. Fairness is not a term I'm familiar with when it comes to divorce. Anger is. And it's been my experience that anger clouds judgement and perspective.
It's a tough spot. But it's not impossible to get to a better place.
Make sense?
Peace, AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
It makes total sense, AJ. Do you want to be the mediator?
Your approach is reasonable and will take a lot of courage from me. With no current communication it will be difficult, especially since my H is the type that likes to punish and hold grudges.
Who's ex doesn't like punish and hold grudges? I suspect if they didn't do that, we would have this conversation in the WAS forums, right
More to the point, I have been where you are. I had no reason to think that courage was needed. Just the acknowledgement that it was over (for the one who left at the very least, right?), it was important to my ex that it was over, and that no matter what I said, it wasn't going to change those things. Changes had to come from elsewhere.
I can tell you my ex doesn't want to talk to me, as much as talk at me and tell me how happy she is without me. But that's 2 years after the divorce is final and 6 since BD.
It takes two to have a conversation. It only takes one to initiate it. You can be that one. Whether he responds or not, you can do the things you need to do.
It's ok to have that conversation and to be the one to take a stand even if he does not reciprocate. Somebody has to, right? Nobody else is going to. And you really have nothing to lose and everything to gain. At worst, you spent time that didn't change anything....
Peace, AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Ha AJ! I almost spit out my drink...why is that the MLC'er is angry with us...I find this one fact alone crazy!!! Good one AJ...regular comedian...
BombOctober 2012- OW 11/28/12 -H still denies Separated 11/29/12 Own place 12/12/12 Confessed OW/EA/PA 2/2/13 Oct 2013 - I knew I was done Jan 2014 - Anticipating the rest of my life
Well, I'm officially D'd. I kept it together until the judge asked if I agreed to the termination. I wanted to say no, but through tears I said yes. He also asked if the court could supply resources, such as counseling, to work toward reconciliation. My xh quickly said no. So my 19 year M ended without any attempt to repair it. The whole time I thought "I want my mom." She wanted to be there, but had a chemo appointment. A side note, my dad married us (he's a minister and an attorney) and my mom walked me down the aisle. This is so painful for my whole family.
My xh had a smirk on his face the entire time. This meant nothing to him.
I did let him know that I had unblocked communication from him, but that he would need to respect my boundaries of no more spewing and poking at me about the past. I said that I am sorry he feels the way he does, that I can't change the past, but I will not tolerate the perpetual blame. I made it clear that the boundaries aren't changing so he would need to decide if you could communicate with me accordingly. He started to argue, but quickly stopped. I walked away.
So typical of xh, he brought up an issue, I stated my position and he said "I'm not going to argue with you." That's his way of saying he's right, so no need to continue the conversation.
When my attorney introduced herself I stated the reasons for the switch in representation, that I felt there had been too much sparing, very little progress and overall I didn't feel that who I am was being representing and that led to a lot of animosity. My attorney also added that she understood that xh and I communicated well until the attorney sparing started and that she wanted to take a few steps back. We've scheduled a four-way next week.
Overall, I was pleasant, showed goodwill, but I was clear about how I wanted to be treated. My attorney said I did great and she was really proud of me. My xh should feel like a jerk. Hopefully he'll remember on one of the most painful days of my life I was poised (except the end) and treated him kindly. I couldn't have done any better.
