Not confused...moving towards acceptance

[golf mom]

I'm in a similar situation and I can tell you that until your H acknowledges that his actions have contributed to the breakdown of his relationship with the boys he will likely continue to be difficult. He also isn't accepting that he played a part in the confrontation last week. He's still angry and blaming you. Things have been so emotionally charged between the four of you that you need time for it all to settle down.

Your H's A and the way he has forced OW on the boys has created so much pain and chaos. He's not owning any of that. He just expects you and the boys to go along with what he wants. His lack of ability to understand that his approach is unreasonable and emotionally very damaging tells me that he's underdeveloped and has the emotional capability of a child. He will not see things the way you do regarding the boys. Co-parenting counseling would be really helpful if he'll agree.

I'm so sorry for all that you're going through. It can get better, but it will take time and a new approach. It took a lot of courage to extend the olive branch. Let your H sit with that awhile. Try to keep future communication very simple and light. He won't respond well to anything else.

Has your H acknowledged the court action?

Hang in there, B. I know this is terribly upsetting. You can do a lot for the boys by keeping your life with them routine and fun. I'm struggling with that myself. It's hard when you're dealing with so much and the future seems uncertain. Just do your best and forgive yourself when you fall short. You haven't been through this before and you're learning along the way.

[Portia]

Hey B,

I have no advice to give with regard to children. I have a cat and she did not like xSO anyway.

But I would like to offer a perspective. You mentioned in your last post that you felt as if you had pushed the boys too far and pressured them (my word) into a conversation they may not have wanted. If you felt that, B, then trust that maybe you did. Not to punish yourself, but to learn from. Your children are not "young" children, they know what is going on and they need to process it. If you are equally insisting on dissecting their feelings as their father is on them accepting his way of doing things, your young men get caught in the middle. Doesn't matter the intentions of either you (concerned and worried) or you H (selfish) - the middle is the middle.

Again, that is just a perspective from an outsider. No one knows your kids better than you, so trust you to know when you need to dial back and when you need to push. Learn from your mistakes - life is all about making them!

B, in my sitch I only have to deal with me. You have young lives depending on you and I admire your strength. I also think that it was a very mature and a step forward action to offer the olive branch to your H.

Lots of Love!

[BRNR]

Thanks GM- We are kindred sisters in that we seem to have the same troubles and feelings. You were just the person I was looking for a response from.

OH, and GM-I have tried to keep up with your sitch, but have so much going on that I can't find time to post my own let alone read/comment on others. Besides, I am feeling a little jello brained lately and don't know that I would have anything constructive to say. GOOD LUCK today!!! Emotionally stay strong.

Has your H acknowledged the court action?

No, he hasn't verbally. His actions (or should I say anger) have suggested that he has received it though...

[BRNR]

Your children are not "young" children, they know what is going on and they need to process it. If you are equally insisting on dissecting their feelings as their father is on them accepting his way of doing things, your young men get caught in the middle. Doesn't matter the intentions of either you (concerned and worried) or you H (selfish) - the middle is the middle.

Yes Portia, I think you understood what I was saying spot on. I am trying to learn from this and grow...and I am still at times (where my boys are concerned) confused on what is doing the "right" thing for them. It is tough. But I did learn/realize that they are confused about their emotions too and understand WAAAAYYYY more than I thought. I guess for me I am learning they need space too to figure things out. Hopefully they will feel comfortable with how the future plays out for them...I just want them to be happy and have a life they want and need.

[BRNR]

So I talked to the attorney today. He advised that the "assault" claim will be irrelevant in my court proceeding for support/custody. he believes this true for the "alcohol to a minor" incident as well. He also advised it is okay to provide the tax return to H since it was done as a joint return.

Boy I am not prepared for what is to come ahead...

[job]

BRNR,
I'm going to share some advice that I received from my lawyer a long time ago...if you give him a copy of the tax return, be sure to "black" out your social security number. You do not know who will be reviewing the return once your h receives a copy of it.

[BRNR]

Already on it Snodderly!!! I mentioned that I would want this done with the attorney and he did say I could. I will make sure it is before handing them over.

[BRNR]

So feeling really detached today. Today was the first time someone asked about my H and I felt/said like "Ya know, he had the choices to make, I am not trying to figure them out, and he can't hurt me anymore, because I KNOW I was a good wife/woman and deserve way better than he can give me right now."

Strange?!?!

I guess, I just don't want to let him hurt me anymore than he already has. I am starting to heal from the wounds, and want to move forward with that and not get stuck or digress.

My H was a good man. I don't see that anymore. His MLC has consumed him. OW directs his life, actions, choices, and I just can't be a part of that.

His anger is still there and accrues daily it seems. Can I set a boundary here? I am not sure if that would add fuel or quell the fire. I wouldn't even know how to talk to him about that.

I know it is not wise to contact him with any OR talk. And in the midst of me filing those civil actions and no acknowledgement on his part in regards to them, it probably isn't wise at this time to do so.

I feel as my H has made all the choices and they don't seem to have worked out for him. But rather than him stopping, reevaluting, and "trying something new", he continues forward with the choice (OW) bound and determine to make "it" work. So there you have it...my H is stubborn. Combine that with MLC, I don't see any turning back, whether right or wrong.

Okay, so enough about him, back to me.

I have been reflecting all the positives/negatives in my life lately and my positives are far outweighing the negatives. At least today. At times I miss having my H, but not the version he is today. The kind, caring strong, intelligent, successful man/husband/father he was. That is all I want in my future. Someone like the man my H used to be.

I recently interacted with two friends who were holding on to OLD relationships. One has been holding for 5 years with his Wwas doing it for the wrong reasons and it seems now he is really getting nailed to the wall. The other, has been one of my encouraging coaches all along and he finally dropped the rope in his sitch after 4 years. And then their is my other friend who gave me guidance in the beginning that he saw positives in my sitch. I haven't talked to him in about 2 months in regards to anything, but he went through his own sitch with his wife, we both agree that may have been MLC, but his sitch only lasted 8 mos from BD with a reconciliation. 4years later, they have more good than bad in their marriage, but they are still struggling along.

I guess the reason I share this is because I see that no matter the outcome the journey is looooong. And rather than skip the chapters trying to get to the end of the book, I am trying to just sit back and enjoy reading each chapter, sentence, and word.

My marriage is over. My H gave up on me a long time ago and now is deciding to punish me for everything that is wrong in his life. I am leaning towards choosing to walk away from this, and him too! I deserve better, and probably always had even during the good times of our marriage.

I guess I am getting to the end of my road with patience...at least for H anyway. I know everyone says dig deep, but I am not sure that I should waste my time, my life, digging.

Letting the thought linger on me...I am not sure if I will feel the same later, tomorrow, next week or a month, but right now I feel empowered, self loved, and respected in this mind set.

until next time.

[wishing, hoping]

(((BRNR)))

I could have written word for word what you just composed above. Our H's are broken men determined to make their bad decisions work come he!! or high water. They don't care who they step on or hurt to make sure their agendas are met.

All we can do is focus on our healing. We rise above while they are reaching for something they will never obtain. That elusive brass ring so to speak.

Take care of yourself.
WH

[BRNR]

Just venting/updating.

H is still angry. Won't even look at me long enough to have a conversation about the children. When will he just get over it already?

I did give him the tax return yesterday, not a word or even a thank you.

Unfortunately his behavior has forced me to go dark on him. As if that can last forever when we have children.

To make matters worse, I had a rough night last night. Apparently the boys had a good night with dad and OW. Even saying "they have this, we did that, at their place" etc, etc.
I didn't ask for info, the kids just talked to me about their night and unknowingly stabbed ME in the heart with the happiness of their night. I shooed them off to bed.

I feel like I am losing ground here. H doesn't communicate ZERO and now things are going "GOOD" over with H/OW. I just want to give up. H has ruined my life and feels the need to treat me as if I am the cause. He bad mouths me to my children, blames everything on me (to the point I feel like a piece of crap). I sooo badly wants someone to hold me, cry with me, and lift my spirits up.

To top it off, my birthday is soon and H was typically the only one who ever acknowledged it. I realized this morning that day he has the boys, so I won't even get to share it with my kids.

The need to do "something" is very strong this morning. I want to tell H so badly what he has done to me, that our marriage is worth saving.

I am afraid that the grass may be greener where he is. Things are progressing forward with him and OW. They (H&OW) are really pitting my kids against me and trying to make me the bad guy and trying to make my boys think they will be better off with them. (And from the sounds of it, it may be working.) They are trying to build a happy family life together. That is MY family.

WHY is he doing this to me?????? Why? I loved him, took care of him, our home, and our children. And now I am being treated as if I caused him to do this. He treats strangers better than me.

I am in a bad state emotionally this morning.