I have no advice to give with regard to children. I have a cat and she did not like xSO anyway.
But I would like to offer a perspective. You mentioned in your last post that you felt as if you had pushed the boys too far and pressured them (my word) into a conversation they may not have wanted. If you felt that, B, then trust that maybe you did. Not to punish yourself, but to learn from. Your children are not "young" children, they know what is going on and they need to process it. If you are equally insisting on dissecting their feelings as their father is on them accepting his way of doing things, your young men get caught in the middle. Doesn't matter the intentions of either you (concerned and worried) or you H (selfish) - the middle is the middle.
Again, that is just a perspective from an outsider. No one knows your kids better than you, so trust you to know when you need to dial back and when you need to push. Learn from your mistakes - life is all about making them!
B, in my sitch I only have to deal with me. You have young lives depending on you and I admire your strength. I also think that it was a very mature and a step forward action to offer the olive branch to your H.
