Falling Down 100....Getting Up 101

[makingmagic]

Portia ~ it just goes to show your h, that you are a nice person who remembered to acknowledge his accomplishment, a year later. Very nice of you!...So, glad to hear you didn't touch the hot stove.

Keep up the good work!

MM

[Portia]

Happy Independence Day!!

Hope you are all enjoying fine weather and fine times today!

I am taking this as an Independence Day for ME!!

Linda, you are amazing. Your H should be down on his knees thanking heaven that you were sent his way. Honestly, what would he do if you kicked his arse to the curb?

When we get a chance to step back and look at the situation as objectively as we can, I do believe that it is inevitable that these MLC relationships are not going to last. They may last longer than we think, but they (especially your H with RT!) are built on a foundation of sand. Thank you for reminding me.

For me, in the end, I do not think that his new relationship is what is killing any possible relationship for me, surprisingly, it is the being ignored and the indifference that makes me hate him.

Nero, you gave me a bit of an epiphany, thank you! I may not have been a great partner...but I was an excellent best friend...and THAT made no difference to whether or not he kept me, even as a friend. Therefore, there really was nothing I could do to make him stay. I realize that is what the vets have been saying all along but I could not help but feel that somehow I could have stopped this had I been better.

MM, thank you for the encouragement. I intend to have a good summer far away from the hot stove. I am also hitting a bit of an anger phase, so it is best that there is NC. I have a volcano temper when it shows itself!

Here is something else that I have truly come to accept. I would not want to be what he has become - a cheat, liar, betrayer and abandoner. Maybe he does not treat everyone that way, but you only need to murder one person to be a murderer. If he ever comes out of the tunnel and has to deal with this, I think it would be difficult for him. It would be for me, as I cannot think of any worse things that I could be called. Especially to a loved one.

And the "MLC defence" does not excuse it.

[NLW]

Here is something else that I have truly come to accept. I would not want to be what he has become - a cheat, liar, betrayer and abandoner. Maybe he does not treat everyone that way, but you only need to murder one person to be a murderer. If he ever comes out of the tunnel and has to deal with this, I think it would be difficult for him. It would be for me, as I cannot think of any worse things that I could be called. Especially to a loved one.

And the "MLC defence" does not excuse it.

Portia, this is something I struggle with.

I can't imagine how any of them can come back from what they have done.
It worries me. Sort of like: even if he ever did have insight and wanted to reconcile, how could he, knowing what he did?

Obviously some do come back from it and deal with what they have done, but HOW?

What, for instance, do they say to their kids, to their extended families and in-laws - i.e., to people who do not 'get it' like DBers do?

[RosaLinda]

Good question NLW. Wonka posted a lot about her own MLC on my old thread. She cannot remember a lot which happened. Maybe the MLCer blocks the memories and rationalizes his or her actions?

[ForeverYoung]

I can't imagine how any of them can come back from what they have done.
It worries me. Sort of like: even if he ever did have insight and wanted to reconcile, how could he, knowing what he did?

Obviously some do come back from it and deal with what they have done, but HOW?

What, for instance, do they say to their kids, to their extended families and in-laws - i.e., to people who do not 'get it' like DBers do?

This is why Michele instructs us to NOT involve family in our sitches. The less they know the better... Keep the path home clean and smooth and all that.

I'm so thankful my W's and my families basically know nothing about our sitch. Even in cases where families know stuff, we can still strive to keep it to a minimum. You don't want families pushing for R, or pulling for D... but that's exactly what will happen when we allow them to get involved.

If the cat's already out of the bag, then we need to make things seem better, or at least tolerable when interacting with family. That way it makes it easier for family to let the wayward back in.

TVS did a good job of this recently while talking to her sister.

[nero]

wow portia -

i am with you 100%

For me, in the end, I do not think that his new relationship is what is killing any possible relationship for me, surprisingly, it is the being ignored and the indifference that makes me hate him.

sometimes i (try) and keep the hate at bay - thinking it only disrupts my wa...

sometimes i cuss at the phone - i told him once "i'm just awaiting the day i wake up and hate him enough to walk away" - not there quite yet. he said "that's hard". couldja die- what a jerk- in my world he is not even entitled to have feelings- much less "hurt feelings" he's sooooooo trashed me & mine...

what a bonehead to even comment and think i care or he's entitled. GIANT GIANT INDICATOR OF THE BREaDTH & DEPTH OF THEIR DELUSIONAL STATE - & INSANITY).

i know a few things about insanity (friend schizophrenic episodes big time w/ me and my sister - sister breakdown & resulting schizo including covering appliances & tv so 'THEY ' can't scan her brain (died alcoholic & anorexic) ; another friend w/ breakdown & depresson & "mad mom" 88, mad about it and depressed) ( wonder WHAT'S in our water here???)

they are as blind and insane as any of above (diagnosed) crazienesses- it's sad - they're sad- and they (none of them) see it - at all...

my H thinks he's "my friend". he's a $hit friend. if any other friend treated me like this and lied - i'd never talk to them again in my life. no reason- no justification- JUST SAYIN "NO' . told him he doesn't know what word means.

with alllll our flaws - we were "just fine' FOR A long long time. we didn't change (that much) - they did - well, their ego- out look- sanity - did.

of that i'm sure. no guarantees or promisses or hope - but I am certain of that. they picked us & we were good together for along long time -

i agree- i would not be albe to look myself in the face if i hurt anyone this much. i guess that's why they cannot acknowledge it- and go to such great lengths to rewrite- hide-delude self- etc. SEEEE WHAT I MEAN


INSANITY- clear & simple.

xxo

[Portia]

Hello Everyone! Thank you as always, for stopping by!

NWL, I really do not know. As Linda pointed out many incidental stories involve them forgetting exactly what they did do while in this MLC state. Bully for them, right. I will know where each scar came from. Truly, I think that whether or not folks can actually get past the horrific actions of an MLC spouse has less to do with the MLCer than the LBS. If the LBS cannot let things go - really let them go - a new relationship has no chance.

FY points out that it is recommended that we talk about our situations very discretely or not at all with family members. While I appreciate this point of view, for FY that makes sense - his W is still in the house. But once the MLCer leaves, the cat is out of the bag whether the LBS wants it to be or not. At that point, personally, I believe that the LBS needs to gather their troops of support to assist with the abandonment rather than try to spare the MLCers feelings. Only in my opinion, though. Honestly, I feel that it is necessary to also face consequences of actions. It's not like the MLCer has stolen my lunch at recess - those who have abandoned and betrayed their spouses with others have committed some big sins. If the MLCer "forgets" their journey, the LBS buys into that and the family acts like it did not happen at all - that is not natural justice; how does the MLCer learn from their journey? This is not about punishment but of lessons learned.

Nero, I hear you! Insanity is good description for both the MLCer and the LBS. We are like Alice in Wonderland at the Mad Hatter's tea party - nothing makes sense and the rules randomly change from minute to minute. Until...for me, nothing. Cold turkey, NC from him. One day, he just vanishes. Poof! White Rabbit. But I am no longer chasing, even though he is still running.

[RosaLinda]

My H's family knows about him and the Tramp too. My family lives scattered all over the country, but my H's lives near us and they all knew that he had disappeared for two weeks. It was like your description "One day, he just vanishes. Poof! White Rabbit." Except that he came back. Boy oh boy was my MIL angry. At him, but angrier at me I think, because I let him come back home. She even said that it was "all my fault" because I "let him get away with it." Sometimes it's hard to DB when people are giving you advice like that. Then when he told her he is going to Moscow for a month, she was all over me. So...I broke with protocol and explained to her that I think he's MLCing. And she seemed to embrace this wholeheartedly, and advised me to GAL, to give him space, and to wait for him to wake up! I was flabbergasted!

What does your family say Portia? And how are you doing really? I think this no contact must be harder on you than having to see their lying faces every day. I hope you really are detaching and are having a good summer so far.

Earlier you wrote "Here is something else that I have truly come to accept. I would not want to be what he has become - a cheat, liar, betrayer and abandoner. Maybe he does not treat everyone that way, but you only need to murder one person to be a murderer. If he ever comes out of the tunnel and has to deal with this, I think it would be difficult for him. It would be for me, as I cannot think of any worse things that I could be called. Especially to a loved one." I truly believe that he will wake up and realize what he's done, and try to return to you someday. I know you'll have a hard decision then. But until then, keep detaching, my friend!

[Portia]

Hey Linda-girl,

I was posting on your thread at the same time as you posted on mine. Thank you for your post.

You know, I am doing OK. Really. My family hasn't much to say. We are private people and not at all demonstrative (which I will learn for my next relationship!), so it does seem sometime that he was "just someone I used to know". I still have my moments but the distance has helped with detachment, I think.

I love your optimism. I do sometimes wonder if I will ever hear from him again and then I wonder what I will say to him if I do. A punch in the head is also an option

Have a wonderful day, my friend, you deserve it!

[RosaLinda]

Thanks, I'll go read your post Portia. Listen, you will hear from him again. Neither of you were not "just someone you used to know." But when you do, a punch in the head IS an option. Or ignoring him. Or what ever YOU feel like doing at the time. I would like to punch him myself!

I"m glad you're doing okay. Detaching is the hardest job I've ever tried to do. But I'm okay too, hiding out in my basement office, pretending to work and really just catching up on everyone's sitches