just ruminating here - (and i'm even calm today) ...
this business of "being understanding" of other side of every question. it is a huuuuuge stumbling block in life to just ole, action. (AND A BIG BUMMER) ALOT OF THE TIME.
i am stuck & hung up every single time i admit to self one tiny thing about h that is true (his pain, his troubles , etc) - but it should not have to be my job in life to cut everyone a break. alll the time - he's not cuttin me (OR ANYONE - REALLY ) a darn thing. (my mother either for that matter - talk about stuck n the mud...)
that his childhood was f'd up is undeniable. that it affected him and his entire outloook, personality, emotions (damaged beyond repair i'd say in general - and i'm not even being catty) IS true & true...
repressed so tightly that he's almost impenetrable-
BUT- it doesn't help the facts that he's doing to me exactly what his mother did to him & his dad that are such huge sins that he whines about !!! hhhheeellllooooooooooo
and he could not look at himself honestly if his head was on fire and he had a mirror in front of him.
wtf is up with that in life- that so many people DO NOT HAVE TO FACE ANY MUSIC of their own. do not have to look long and hard at self and acknowledge their "part" in anything . their responsibility- their causing pain or discomfort of being blood suckers & acceptors of EVERYTHING, while giving nothing back except maybe money. what is it anyway with people thinking paying & $$ are their "part" in a r????? when is it ever that easy and a reasonable response to L - pay for it???????
why do some of us look and look and look and accept - and pay and do and bend , etc.
i'm not sayin i'm a saint-
i am saying this guy gets to say (all sorrowful and needing and wanting sympathy & UNDERStanding - - - and GETTING IT TOO!) what his issues are and he's lost himself - - - hic, wah wah..
and at the same time in life be a big fat jerk -
and if i say it honestly- this guy has made me realize not only how much i've lost ME - HOW BIG a darn overwhelming influence hs's been in me getting soooooo buried under HIS big ole - HIM-NESS. (well, or his highness!) maybe
got thinking of urunworthy having quandry of where the heck is self ? and who...
KNOW what i mean??? i'm only looking now and seeing how willingly i allow myself in the name of love, decency, kindness, compassion, familial duty - whatever - - -
be sucked into and sucked dry by those bashing self-righteous- self-concerned people who are attached to us in life. (relatives? mates? etc.) (yeah - i did pick him)
I even sound shabby to myself - wah wah wah- i give too much- poor poor me
i'm not saying that- i am saying how too bad it seems that if you choose to take your own lumps for your own actions- howcome all the people who enjoy their blindness, and self-righteorousness get to NOT ???
WTF? I'M SAYIN everyone alive should take a long hard look at self and man up here.
all this whining on about stuff - this h of mine has had it waaaay good - waaay privileged inlife compared to most. not in the parent/childhood dept. - but money & plenty of it. even now- plenty of it, yet afraid someone else will get it or take it from him/ how could i never see that - or is it new???
hard to share anything- mine - allllll mine - hhhhaaaaa haaaahaaa... yet fobs me off w/money. no love??? - here have a new stinkin trinket...
will his head ever re-emerge from his B_ _ _??? one wonders.
i'm awfully hard on the beaver today - aren't I ./???
just thinking of hm and my mom- both sewn to my back here and COUNTING ON ME JUST CONTINUING along forever being me - what i am , who i am - til i die from it.
and what's it to them??? convenience in life for good old dope-face me to just be there FOR THEM. ALLLLLL ABOUT THEM
SOOOO- i've obviously either let it happen or encouraged it to happen- WHAT NOW -
HOW DO I - TOOOO DAAAAAY STOP THE TREADMILL AND get it going back the other way????
can it done???? da da da dujmmmmmmmmm- tune in tomorrow for next exciting episode of as the stomach turns..
can this schmuck of a woman grab her B a ! ! s and take charge a bit here???? make a lasting change in self, outlok , etc
or will she forever be repeating the same old thing til she croaks???
we all wonder- i'm outta here- lots & lots to do- even feeling enthusiastic -
