Your in a very delicate state right now, you sound ( and I know you probably give your worste here as you should) , but you sound a little sad, maybe scared, unsure, and even pissed w a touch of confused. Heck, I just described myself!
i love you- you're so funny & NICE when you describe me and then tack on describes you too. it's good to have a bud in this- on this journey-
(i think you covered it all too - it does describe - me)
one day i'm all tough-guy- next i'm total wah wah baby. the pitiful confusing ups and downs. I've never been "this way" . but then- have never dealt with something as un-fathomable as THIS MLC (& dementia) stuff & mixed messages constantly from key players . it's not pretty is it? having to ask for help & seek support. you prop me- i'll prop you.
but i guess a time comes to everyone alive to need it. glad i can ask. maybe that's what happened to mom (and maybe h) they are the stiff-necked, tough-GUY to the end, "no surrender- no retreat" scorpios. it's a hard way to do it- life.
me- i think i'm tough, i'm also alot of tough-talk to bolster myself . funny thing is- i think that knowing it gives us more resilence & 'STRENGTH" in the end.
oh well- permission to be human sir....
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He just keeps saying enjoy your home and kids and life, let me be lost in the darkness! He doesn't want me to change a thing about our life, he called me his string!
short of calling me "his string" - my h says same. wtf is up with that anyway??? just ole guilt or caring (as they think?) ? my h is always saying hope you're out havin fun (in phone messages) & urges me to do things i enjoy. i'm sure his guilt over him being out there "grabbing" up what he perceives as pleasure all over the place.
wierd & wierder - he spends years ruining my day to day enjoyment of life, him, me and everything in it that i love & held dear- and feels the need to tell me to go enjoy it.!!!
luckily- i am able this year more and more to want to do what i love & enjoy it again- i shudder to think of a year ago-
NOT LOOKING BACK THERE MAN...
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We can't afford to stop or look back, it's to fresh, to easy to backslide! One day we can reflect and laugh and cry about this sh1t, but not yet! Hopefully, it's when our new future is happy and filled w lot of L, w whom ever we end up w!
amen brother (well, sister)
i'm a buddha girl myself- i do have a laughing buddha in my kitchin- (read a few books -) just to remind me - proper thinking. love the idea people are allll meant to be happy- entitled to feel happy-
that's the whole thing isn't it? there is nothing we can do to fix sitch or fix them- i'm feelin it today- it's allll so "outside" us.
was talking to neice 15 about her dad (alcoholic- spinning out of control - perhaps bit of an mlc also?) totally wigged & wanting to be telling hr about it- include her- sucking her DOWN AND she doesn't understand so much - never even had a boyfriend much less advise him??? he's soooooo sinking there at this moment - poor messed up man.
i keep telling her things get to people sometimes & they just have "crises" in life - SHE DIDN'T BREAK HIM- SHE CAN'T FIX HIM. don't pick up - whatever she has to do to deal with it- feel compassion yes, BUT IT IS - not her job to go down that road w/ him. it is his journey.
as i say it- i realize how wise it is and how much i believe it-
i listen and hope she can let herself off the hook
it's amazing isn't it - life, all of it-
i'm outta here. that one bunch of fabric/cloths/projects on bed to chop- chuck or recreate- has to disappear this morning.
am re-painting my four giant flags/fr. porch "shades" & decoration. woo hoo- very bright & cheery- look at me & my garden world-
send that pleasure out into the universe- something pretty to see & vehold.
i can do it- this morning. i even put a/c in my workroom- big plans for finish org that in p.m. too-
hope springs eternal huh? THANK YOU FOR BEING THERE- BEING YOU
I HOPE YOUR DAY IS OKAY- you're sounding very "even" these days- hope it continues and you have a wonderful day
thanks for note- so glad you're "there" - i need to respond later. i'm (curiously - but i'll take it) UP this morning-
have some comments (as usual) - so i'll be back. have a few things to do before the sun is so high it burns my stupid ole white- frecklie- redhair - blue eye skin rite off my bones.
cannot hack the heat-
question is tho - just off top of my head- WHEN will the novacain ever wear off - and will WE still be here - for them - at all ? or moved soooo far past it we cannot find a way back? 50,000 dollar question ed???
i hope your morning /day is okay- oh yeah- i do not think i could DO living with my mom. i am alot of things but i am a lousy nursemaid for her. she's demanding and (honestly) treats me pretty ratty. i know the reasons - i honestly understand - i USUALLY can laugh about it and not get wierd- BUT - TO WILLINGLY take on something like that? idk- honestly
it might make me want to end it all- no kidding. i am not sure i could keep afloat daily. i'm more thinking of seriously starting to try & find someine nice- local and try that route in her house. she got so confused after a 3-day hospitalization & maybe week recuperation (dehydration really only) and can't even figure out she's ALWAYS lived in her house for 68 or so years. thinks she "just mvoed there" alot- it's tragic what one small CHANGE in her life creates.
a home might throw her rite off her rocker. unles she gets ther ( i can't even go the=re) in which case i guess it would be an okay option if she didn't know anyway.
too sad to contemplate today- we never know do we. she might die before her brain was totally gone or something- i might -
idk-
thanks & i'll be back later.
hope you are okay and your day is okay today. thanks for being out hre man- sure glad we met up- sure glad i've got some gals to hold my hand on this stinkin journey- it's slippery at times isn't it?????
nobody falling off the cliff or down the mountainside- we just rope ourselves togethr- go slow - watch the path & keep hanging on & movin forwad=rd.
i'm painting tht picture if i ever sit still- all of us in dresses roped togeher-
"nobody falling off the cliff or down the mountainside- we just rope ourselves togethr- go slow - watch the path & keep hanging on & movin forwadrd. i'm painting tht picture if i ever sit still- all of us in dresses roped togeher"
i love this image Nero. Billowy dresses, like the gals who live in our dream English cottages wear to tea. All roped together so none of us fall off the cliff.
I'm doing okay today, thanks for asking. My H is perplexing me, but that's nothing new. He was laying on the couch talking to me standing next to him, and suddenly held a throw pillow over his face. Stupid me had to ask why, instead of just letting it go. He said he did not want to look at me because I look like a big white moon. I'm sort of little, 5'2" and 125, so just said WTF to myself and dropped it. I have never been a curser but find my self using the "F word" to myself a lot lately. He talked on skype for 4 hours this morning, took a 3 hour break, and is back on again for his afternoon phone sex session. That's not really fair for me to say, I really have no idea what they talk about for so many hours every day. I wonder if she looks like a big yellow moon to him? And, F F F. There I feel better!
I'm sure you're right about your H telling you to have fun because he lfeels guilty.
Your poor neice, holy cow. I bet her dad IS going thru some kind of crisis! The poor girl. I'm glad you were able to help her. Is that your sister who passed away's girl?
"i keep telling her things get to people sometimes & they just have "crises" in life - SHE DIDN'T BREAK HIM- SHE CAN'T FIX HIM. don't pick up - whatever she has to do to deal with it- feel compassion yes, BUT IT IS - not her job to go down that road w/ him. it is his journey. as i say it- i realize how wise it is and how much i believe it"
It's good advice for ALL of us to remember. And like you, I truly believe it too.
About when the novacaine will wear off -- I dunno. I've read an average of 3 to 5 years, sometimes as long as 7. It's been 3 1/2 years for us. I am pretty sure I can stand another 1 1/2 years. But another 3 1/2 years? To quote myself -- F F F. Didn't help as much that time
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
I can't do a million more years either. maybe a bit- always aware i need a good job 1st - some -
f him & his "moon" crappola. my h said a few really crappy things - picked on (or pointed out) a couple of my - uh hem- shortcomings that were low blows- physical aspects i have no control over. how rude - how childish. i guess they want to deal out some hurt- because they're feeling like crummy stinking f'ing rats.
i say F quite a bit myself. - got that in law offices. Quite a bit of pressure- extreme personalities (total pr!cks)
my sister that died was not this neice's mom. she didn't have kids - had a couple dogs. her name was linda too - it's got a very very happy & good association for me.
this neice is one of my younger sister's kid (7 yrs younger. she's okay- kind of "out there" but hey, i'm willing to live and let live here.) anyway- she's soo innocent kind of kid - the dad is just a raving alcoholic- but his mom has bad alzheimers & he lives with mom & dad - so some "junk goin on" too. poor schook
OMG LINDA - JUST SPENT ABOUT 20 MIN TRYING TO RESTART my computer - something is wrong with video card or hard drive or something (it alwasy blows up when h is away so can't fix) anyway- screen went black - all i'm thinking is he'll come up and begin to fix it and my forum stuff will turn up on the screen & he'll know about my "secret life" -
i'm soooo over the lying and guilt part of life (teenager & so on) never going back. THO- I DO LIKE this to be my place and privacy is mighty nice.
just ruminating here - (and i'm even calm today) ...
this business of "being understanding" of other side of every question. it is a huuuuuge stumbling block in life to just ole, action. (AND A BIG BUMMER) ALOT OF THE TIME.
i am stuck & hung up every single time i admit to self one tiny thing about h that is true (his pain, his troubles , etc) - but it should not have to be my job in life to cut everyone a break. alll the time - he's not cuttin me (OR ANYONE - REALLY ) a darn thing. (my mother either for that matter - talk about stuck n the mud...)
that his childhood was f'd up is undeniable. that it affected him and his entire outloook, personality, emotions (damaged beyond repair i'd say in general - and i'm not even being catty) IS true & true...
repressed so tightly that he's almost impenetrable-
BUT- it doesn't help the facts that he's doing to me exactly what his mother did to him & his dad that are such huge sins that he whines about !!! hhhheeellllooooooooooo
and he could not look at himself honestly if his head was on fire and he had a mirror in front of him.
wtf is up with that in life- that so many people DO NOT HAVE TO FACE ANY MUSIC of their own. do not have to look long and hard at self and acknowledge their "part" in anything . their responsibility- their causing pain or discomfort of being blood suckers & acceptors of EVERYTHING, while giving nothing back except maybe money. what is it anyway with people thinking paying & $$ are their "part" in a r????? when is it ever that easy and a reasonable response to L - pay for it???????
why do some of us look and look and look and accept - and pay and do and bend , etc.
i'm not sayin i'm a saint-
i am saying this guy gets to say (all sorrowful and needing and wanting sympathy & UNDERStanding - - - and GETTING IT TOO!) what his issues are and he's lost himself - - - hic, wah wah..
and at the same time in life be a big fat jerk -
and if i say it honestly- this guy has made me realize not only how much i've lost ME - HOW BIG a darn overwhelming influence hs's been in me getting soooooo buried under HIS big ole - HIM-NESS. (well, or his highness!) maybe
got thinking of urunworthy having quandry of where the heck is self ? and who...
KNOW what i mean??? i'm only looking now and seeing how willingly i allow myself in the name of love, decency, kindness, compassion, familial duty - whatever - - -
be sucked into and sucked dry by those bashing self-righteous- self-concerned people who are attached to us in life. (relatives? mates? etc.) (yeah - i did pick him)
I even sound shabby to myself - wah wah wah- i give too much- poor poor me
i'm not saying that- i am saying how too bad it seems that if you choose to take your own lumps for your own actions- howcome all the people who enjoy their blindness, and self-righteorousness get to NOT ???
WTF? I'M SAYIN everyone alive should take a long hard look at self and man up here.
all this whining on about stuff - this h of mine has had it waaaay good - waaay privileged inlife compared to most. not in the parent/childhood dept. - but money & plenty of it. even now- plenty of it, yet afraid someone else will get it or take it from him/ how could i never see that - or is it new???
hard to share anything- mine - allllll mine - hhhhaaaaa haaaahaaa... yet fobs me off w/money. no love??? - here have a new stinkin trinket...
will his head ever re-emerge from his B_ _ _??? one wonders.
i'm awfully hard on the beaver today - aren't I ./???
just thinking of hm and my mom- both sewn to my back here and COUNTING ON ME JUST CONTINUING along forever being me - what i am , who i am - til i die from it.
and what's it to them??? convenience in life for good old dope-face me to just be there FOR THEM. ALLLLLL ABOUT THEM
SOOOO- i've obviously either let it happen or encouraged it to happen- WHAT NOW -
HOW DO I - TOOOO DAAAAAY STOP THE TREADMILL AND get it going back the other way????
can it done???? da da da dujmmmmmmmmm- tune in tomorrow for next exciting episode of as the stomach turns..
can this schmuck of a woman grab her B a ! ! s and take charge a bit here???? make a lasting change in self, outlok , etc
or will she forever be repeating the same old thing til she croaks???
we all wonder- i'm outta here- lots & lots to do- even feeling enthusiastic -
"OMG LINDA - JUST SPENT ABOUT 20 MIN TRYING TO RESTART my computer - something is wrong with video card or hard drive or something (it alwasy blows up when h is away so can't fix) anyway- screen went black - all i'm thinking is he'll come up and begin to fix it and my forum stuff will turn up on the screen & he'll know about my "secret life" -"
uh oh, were you able to fix it? I'm often afraid my H will see the forum on my computer too. He'd be pretty ticked off that I talk about all of our deepest darkest secrets to complete strangers! But...he has his own secret life, and so does your H, so why shouldn't we? After all, ours is just to try to help us deal with them, not to escape from us like theirs is!
How sad that your H had such a miserable childhood -- his mom deserted him I think you said, right? But how can he do the same thing to you? I just cannot understand it. He knows how much it hurt him and his dad, WHY DO IT HIMSELF? God I hate MLC. Hate OW. Sometimes even hate my own H. I'm trying to work, I have this giant pile of mail, seriously 4 or 5" high, to go thru because I had to work so much in the ER last week, but all I can think about is to wonder if my H is online flirting with the frigging RT. My detachment seems to have flown the coop. I need to get ahold of myself LOL!
I'm glad that you are feeling calm today! Do you have any gardening planned? I think it's supposed to thunderstorm later again today. Did you get any of that hail?
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
hey hi- i'm ocd with this forum today- gotta quit it and get busy.
i ws just in mz j responding to you and her and that color test.
oh man- i think i "failed" the test.
naw - no gardeining. it's cooler (thank God ) but still hottish- i really hate heat & summer.
i'm starving and this darn computer is on for the moment. i know- panic central.
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I hate MLC. Hate OW. Sometimes even hate my own H.
me too - f'ing mlc - f'ing him and f'ing her - a giant cluster - yup you know what...
i quite like profanity sometimes- it's soooo awful and "bad" it just fits the bill when you're hurt and feeling ratty and want to lash out like mad- poorlittle us - we confine our revenge to dirty words. oh well- i'm seeing us in our sunday school best- saying rotten word and laughing-
we can do it rite???? f it -
this computer & my posts-
i don't want that unsympathetic jerk reading my inner thoughts. he's soooooo only interested now in what he thinks - his fault for griling me so long and hard for soooo many years.
tough nuts if it's boring & same ole same ole.
anyway- i know that drill of being ocd thinking allll day & allll nite and being unable to go about your life. sorry and i wish i had a cure- maybe just try hard as you can to shove it back down in there somewhre-
i'm going to find something to eat- xxoo i'm bad with the detachment thing myself- then i console myself saying if we were totootttttllly there and DETACHED - we wouldn't be here at all - dbing and "riding it out" - we'd be back on the beach, in our car and GONE GONE GONE
CAN'T have it both ways can ya??? just do your best man- it's all you have
my poor old mother just called and can't figure out where she lost her teeth - then mid phone call can't remember if she's looking for her teeth or her eyeglasses (she can't see without them - she can't chew without the other) and she can't figure out which one isn't on/in her head!!!
poor poor old mom- SOOOO- WE ALL CAN BE GRATEFUL WE KNOW WHICH IS WHICH AND WHERE THEY ARE (MOST LIKELY)
other thing is this: i'm either a giant SHINING example of dedication and fortitude - or a giant doormat.
who can know? gratefully - at this minute idk and idc (care)
but i DO KNOW where my teeth are ... so i got that goin for me.
life is a joke around here- off to search for body parts at mom's
xxoo ARE YOUR TEETH THERE????? CAN YOU SEE???? YAY...
Your poor mom - are you on speed dial, cos I was wondering how she saw to call you? My dad died of Alzheimers, and it is awful seeing a person just disappear.
So so sorry to learn that Bea, that must have been awful for you. Alzheimers is a horrible disease. This must be so difficult for you too Nero. I bet your mom was wearing her glasses when she "lost" them.
I am grateful to have teeth. And especially pretty good vision with glasses. I sure would hate to lose my sight.
And am grateful for a warm, comfortable house. Food to eat and hot water to wash in. A healthy 83 year old dad and MIL. Healthy kids and grand kids. Pretty good health for my H and myself. And that MLC usually ends. Someday.
