Getting Back to Me

[RealityTrip]

JOURNAL: My younger sister left. What a great visit. She was so sweet to me and my W. We all had a great time. So yesterday it was just the two of us. It was a fairly good day. We did nothing! After a week of entertaining it was nice. Here and there throughout the week we have had conversations. I haven't been perfect and neither has my W. But we communicated well. Honestly I more effectively than her. But she is doing better.

She told me the AP emailed her. Then later she admited she lied and that she emailed the AP first. She wanted to know why AP had defriended and blocked her on FB. So I was lied to again. In asking her why?... she said something to the effect that she has lied already so much that until she commits to me fully that of course there will be small lies here and there. I simply repsonded with, "Is that the person you want to be?" I know this comes off as superior and righteous but I recognize that I was hurt in the moment and also frustrated. I need to be more aware of this tendancy when we speak and not let emotions control my words. The rationalization and justification of her actions continue. It's really sad to watch.

At the worst point in our discussions she told me "we weren't together" so what goes on between her and the AP is "none of your (my) f*ing business." That one released the banshee in a fury. I don't even think I know everything I said. I composed myself within about 10 minutes though after leaving the room to just sit and breathe. Strangely enough we recovered as a couple and had a really good time together bowling that night. We even flirted. Odd. The next day I apologized for my reacting and expressed that my feelings were hurt with her statements. She apologized and said she didn't mean it and would think about why she said it. Later she came to me and said she was angry and hurt by my decision that feels like an ultimatum and wanted to hurt me.

So here we are. The AP has said no more A until she divorces me and I have said I am removing myself from the marriage under these circumstances. My W said she told the AP via email that if she doesn't come to her this week that she is letting her go.

When we were discussing her contact with AP and her lie to me, my W told me: "If I stay here to work on the M and go to counseling then I will give you all of my passwords to all of my accounts and be an open book." This surprised me. I have not mentioned counseling so it kind of shows me that she knows a little of the work she will have to do in the marriage.

Last night I had a nightmare. The nightmare's stopped a while back but now that my W is closer and I have made my decision and know that I will keep it to take care of myself, my fear has manifested itself in my dreams again. It was a dream scenario of her leaving this week in a final decision to be with the AP. It was a painful uncomfortable dream but I didn't wake from it panicked as I had in the past when the 2 of them haunted me night after night. I recognize it as a real possibility, I don't want it, but I want the life I am living now even less.

Sometimes I look at her when she's not looking. I just sit and stare at her. I feel sorry for her. For how her choices have hurt her and affected her life. I think to myself that if the AP is what she chooses then it really is what she deserves. It's not wishful thinking or vengeance that allows me to see an unhappy future for the two of them. It just is what it is. Her world will eventually crash in on her in a life with AP. I hate that for her. I don't want her to be unhappy.

We went to pick up take out chinese together and in the final stages of our last talk yesterday she got a little hostile. I told her that I felt it was directed at me and asked her why? She said "I am angry at myself." I asked "why?" She responded "For everything I have done." I asked, "Do you regret it?" She answered "Yes." I reached over and held her hand the rest of the way home. We ate dinner and snuggled together on the couch watching tv the rest of the night.