Not confused...moving towards acceptance

[BRNR]

Golf Mom, WH, Portia, Nero & Snodderly. Thank you for your comments on my thread these past couple of days.

With all the madness swirling around as of late, it helps to get an outside perspective of things.

Last week really broke me. It broke my self esteem and confidence that my actions and words have been the right things to do or the best way to go about things. I am not proud to say, that I even see that these recent events took a toll on my children tremendously.

I also needed to know how my boys felt about the things they saw and heard last week, to really understand what my boys wanted for the future and how I should proceed with the matters that I will face ahead. Unfortunately, even with good intentions, I may have even done the "wrong" thing with them. I pushed them too hard to talk, and it seems that even though I had the best intentions, I may have caused them to shut down emotionally about things. Something I want to be better at in the future.

So despite a nice weekend with my boys, there were still some emotional trouble spots. Time will heal these things, I just have to let it and not push so hard with them I guess.

I even tried to "figure out" how to rectify the situation with H enough to allow us to parent our boys without further conflict or harm to the boys.

So I tried to extend an "olive branch" of sorts this morning with H. When he picked up the kids, I politely stopped him from going to his car and just asked "Are you open to communicating about the boys and what is your preferred method preference?" H's responded by saying, "Yeah, phone, email, text or whatever" I will say H was very angry this morning. I had "hoped" that the weekend would give him time to settle down from last weeks events, but it seems that instead last weeks interactions may have been the final nail in the coffin for our marriage.

I even texted H shortly after just saying "Thank you for being open to communication about the kids in any form or fashion. It is very important to me that some kind of civility be built between us for them. The boys deserve both of us. I do apologize for actions that have made this task ahead for us difficult, but I am ready and willing to work to make things right. Thank you. Have a nice day."

I got NO response to this, and really do not expect one. I just don't know how to make this work for our boys. They have expressed so much, and have dealt and seen so much. How do I get them through this? It seems the best thing would be for H to leave them alone, but instead is dragging them into his new life that they want nothing to do with.

So feeling a little low and helpless, for myself and my children. Can't see how things can turn around even for them. And quite frankly, from their words, they would not want thier Dad back in our lives. This hurts more as I want nothing but a whole family and the love that H had for me to return. But they both think we are all better off. So I question whether I should be fighting for this marriage or letting it go. My children's opinions and feelings matter to me. Am I doing my kids an injustice as a mother to stand for something that even they don't want? What am I missing? What am I doing wrong?