My W is considering going back to college (4 hours away) to study to be a Physician's Assistant. Friday nite was our 'date night'. We went rock climbing (a new hobby for us), and afterwards we went to dinner. At dinner my W brought up going to school again. It will entail: (1) quitting her good paying job and (2) move almost 4 hours away.
My DB coach suggested that if the topic came up to ask leading questions. So I asked my W: (1) have you considered how we could financially afford this? (2) how often would you come back to visit us? (3) what does this mean for our relationship?
Well, the conversation didn't go well. With the financial question, my W's first response was sarcastic, she said "with money" and then after I asked again, she said 'we have enough in the bank, I didn't complain about you." Her returning to school would cost $60k/year, which is about what we have in the bank account. What she is not considering is that she would not be working and our income would drop by 40%.
A few months ago, when going to school came up, I told her to start saving. She has done the exact opposite. In May she spent $3k on clothes for herself alone. Last week, when I went on vacation to the beach with my 3 girls alone and she stayed home alone -- well she spent more money than us. She brought up when I did my PhD when we were first married. The difference is that we didn't have kids, and me going to school at the time had no effect on our standard of living. If she returns to school we will have a 40% cut in family income and a increase in expenses of supporting an apartment for her while she is at school.
She then said to the other questions that if she considers this, then going to school is terrible for all of us. She mainly spoke of "not being a mother to her girls." Nowhere did she mention me. She was becoming a little hysterical and tearing.
We left the restaurant, and we continued the conversation on the street corner. I then went to take her hand, both were in her pockets, and she wouldn't take mine. I said to her, "why won't you take my hand?" she responded that it was cold (not really). I said "BS" and then I told her I was asking about how her returning to school would affect our relationship because when she is like this I feel like she doesn't want to be with me. She didn't answer -- yes, big mistake, why I am asking this -- a major slip up. I said, "OK, let's go, and walked to the car ahead of her." We drove home in silence.
In the bathroom, she got ready for bed and jumped in bed. I then go ready for bed, got in, and said good night. She said nothing.
I didn't sleep well.
In the morning at 6am, she cuddled up against me and put her arm around me. We were like that for awhile, and then I said,
"I'm sorry that the questions I asked upset you. For me it is good to discuss these things. I do understand your position that if you consider the downside of going back to school, then you would never go. Last night you asked me what I thought .."
At this point, she interjects "no I didn't" (well, she did)
then she says, "what do you think?"
I said, "I think you should apply, in fact I think you should apply to other schools in S. CA too to improve your odds of being accepted."
We cuddled some more, then ML and have continued as if nothing has happened.
