Any insight from the vets here would be much appreciated! I was wondering how to figure out the balance between addressing the issues your partner had with you (while in your relationship) and detaching/going dim?
For example, my ex said I wasn't very present in our relationship--I was detached (generally because I was depressed) and she said she felt like I didn't love her. In therapy, I am working on being more emotionally present overall in my life, which extends to my interactions with her (making effort to ask about her day, showing interest in her interests, etc.), but I wonder if that goes against what I should be doing in my DB efforts and detaching?
When we first broke up, she was not interested in me being more emotionally present in her life (so I worked on closing myself off), but I've noticed a shift in these last few months. She seems more eager to share things about her, her thoughts, her interests, her life, and likewise notices if I seem closed off and uninterested. So I guess I was a bit confused on how to proceed!
It was actually a really great reminder for me this weekend. TheEx has been stressed out about her job and what she should do about her career. She had a really bad day at the restaurant (a job I hate, for many reasons, in addition to the fact that it takes time away that she could be focuses on her career) and sounded really fed up with it and the general lack of direction in her life/career.
My natural inclination is to find a solution to a problem (especially when I see how unhappy her present situation is making her), and I could almost feel the advice coming out of my mouth, but then I remembered your words and just listened (while still demonstrating that I was invested in what she was saying) and validated her feelings. Phew! She talked and talked for quite some time and when she was done, she thanked me for listening and for being there for her.
Right now I am also doing my best on not overwhelming her emotionally with my problems. I talk to my best friend on the phone regularly, so I can usually vent and get advice from her. If the Ex asks, though, I usually give her a condensed version of my problems so that way I am still sharing with her (but not being too needy).
Today I am feeling a bit sad, but instead of being needy, I've decided to journal my feelings here, so that helps.
GAL Activities for the Week:
-Get back into exercising, starting tonight! I plan on going running 3x this week, if possible.
-Finish reading David Sedaris' book, When You Are Engulfed in Flames. His writing makes me laugh so I figure it'll be good for my mood.
Any insight from the vets here would be much appreciated! I was wondering how to figure out the balance between addressing the issues your partner had with you (while in your relationship) and detaching/going dim?
For example, my ex said I wasn't very present in our relationship--I was detached (generally because I was depressed) and she said she felt like I didn't love her. In therapy, I am working on being more emotionally present overall in my life, which extends to my interactions with her (making effort to ask about her day, showing interest in her interests, etc.), but I wonder if that goes against what I should be doing in my DB efforts and detaching?
When we first broke up, she was not interested in me being more emotionally present in her life (so I worked on closing myself off), but I've noticed a shift in these last few months. She seems more eager to share things about her, her thoughts, her interests, her life, and likewise notices if I seem closed off and uninterested. So I guess I was a bit confused on how to proceed!
Hi specialk.. if you are doing a 180 and before the BD you were normally closed off and not emotionally present, I would say to 180, you would now try to be more emotionally available and show more interest in her. And also, from what you have mentioned, it seems that she is being very receptive to the changes you are making, so keep doing what you are doing!
My DB coach recently told me, take very close notice of what is causing a 'positive' reaction from your partner, and keep doing those things! So keep at it! The fact that she is opening up to you more now than before is great! Perhaps she trusts you more now to say these things, and that is wonderful.
Just wondering, did you also read Divorce Remedy? To me, DR had a lot more useful advice than DB.
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
Definitely will keep on being emotionally available to Ex, but making sure I'm not needy (or doing things that come across as pressure). Sometimes I slip up! I feel like I let my guard down too much and then I get needy, so trying to keep my feelings in check as best I can.
I hope I am making some positive movement in my situation! Your words have given me great encouragement. Will try to take notice of positive reactions from the Ex. I have a separate journal where I'll outline my goals for the month (general goals, then concrete short-term goals, followed by ways that I will know if Ex is coming around). I've been doing it now since late November and it helps me to follow a concrete plan, but also see what I should be working on more!
Had to double check which book I have--I have Divorce Remedy. Should I also get DB too? I also bought the Sex Starved Marriage for my tablet a while back (though it would be useful to read). I wish DR was an e-book! Then I could discreetly read it on my tablet, instead of waiting until theEx is out so I can read it lol
Glad to meet another Sedaris fan! I hear his newest book is really funny. Let me know if you like it, then maybe I'll pick it up as well
Just found that article you suggested on developing detachment. It was really eye-opening for me and definitely something that I need to work on (for all my relationships). It reminded me of couples counseling actually and how the therapist would always point out that we each felt emotionally responsible for the other, which made things very tangled. It was hard to separate what was hers and what was mine emotionally. I copied the text from that article so I can refer to it easily when I need reminders.
Would you be able to explain to me the concept of "going dim" a bit? I think I mistakenly believed the two were interchangeable because I thought you needed to detach in order to "go dim". Thank you in advance for all the help!
I'm not sure there is a definition of "going dim." If going dark is no contact with your S, going dim is just a little less than no contact. Going NC or dark is usually done to protect the person going dark. Early on it helps you get your feet under you, gain strength and get in control of emotions to be able to respond instead of react.
The very real difference in going dim and detachment is, we should be lovingly detached in all our R. The opposite of detached is enmeshed or codependent, which are not healthy, being detached is healthy.
Hope that helps.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
The fact that she is opening up to you more now than before is great! Perhaps she trusts you more now to say these things, and that is wonderful.