Walking Between the Raindrops

[chasingpavements]

Any insight from the vets here would be much appreciated! I was wondering how to figure out the balance between addressing the issues your partner had with you (while in your relationship) and detaching/going dim?

For example, my ex said I wasn't very present in our relationship--I was detached (generally because I was depressed) and she said she felt like I didn't love her. In therapy, I am working on being more emotionally present overall in my life, which extends to my interactions with her (making effort to ask about her day, showing interest in her interests, etc.), but I wonder if that goes against what I should be doing in my DB efforts and detaching?

When we first broke up, she was not interested in me being more emotionally present in her life (so I worked on closing myself off), but I've noticed a shift in these last few months. She seems more eager to share things about her, her thoughts, her interests, her life, and likewise notices if I seem closed off and uninterested. So I guess I was a bit confused on how to proceed!

Hi specialk.. if you are doing a 180 and before the BD you were normally closed off and not emotionally present, I would say to 180, you would now try to be more emotionally available and show more interest in her. And also, from what you have mentioned, it seems that she is being very receptive to the changes you are making, so keep doing what you are doing!

My DB coach recently told me, take very close notice of what is causing a 'positive' reaction from your partner, and keep doing those things! So keep at it! The fact that she is opening up to you more now than before is great! Perhaps she trusts you more now to say these things, and that is wonderful.

Just wondering, did you also read Divorce Remedy? To me, DR had a lot more useful advice than DB.