Stuck between a rock and a hard place!

[MrBond]

"Communication has been tough. Not wanting to make excuses, I really do want to address my w's needs. Just not sure what they are and how to address them."

Here we go again. Seriously? I don't know how many times I SPECIFICALLY mention what your W's needs are. AND she SPECIFICALLY outlined everything for you in a long letter. You're just not LISTENING.

"Sounds like she needs a D and she's unhappy I don't give it to her yet."

Go back and read WHY she wants a D and WHY she's UNHAPPY.

"Just have to Gal and worry about myself for now, until she wants me to address her needs."

So frustrating. You CAN address her needs now. YOU just don't need to tell her that you are and just do it. I have to admit that I am getting extremely frustrated and I'm getting extremely tired of you CONSTANTLY asking what your W's needs are when they have been addressed time and time and time and time and time and time and time again. Go back and read the past posts.

Well to be real, you never bothered to bring up the point about the safe word which was as EXACT as advice as anyone could give you. But you don't follow through. I encourage others to not post to you as I feel they would be wasting their breath.

[adinva]

Fortunately no one can control the action of another, lol

[dorightman]

what are you asking when you want to know if I mean you should give her a D? You can't NOT give her a D, you understand? You can be a jerk about it or not, is what I'm saying. Which do you think MIGHT save your relationship?


Of course not being a jerk about it is my best shot.

I'm being obtuse, on purpose, to get you to clarify your own thinking. Don't imagine that this is a battle between Divorce and Divorce-Busting, because it's not. Divorce will happen if W wants it to, no matter whether you behave honorably or not, manly or not, kindly or not, but what kind of person are you? Divorce-Busting techniques are not just DB techniques, they are the right way to behave, and you know that too. You were probably hoping they were this thing you do to save your marriage, and if it doesn't work, oh well, you quit doing them. Now that you know what DBing is, would you stop doing it?

I won't stop using DB techniques whether we D or not.

Advina, thank you! I certainly will give this my best shot no matter what.

[dorightman]

Mr.Bond, I will respond to you even though you seem to be so frustrated with me that you want to abandon this thread and encourage others not to try to help me. I'm sorry you feel this way. I'am doing the best I can.

Here we go again. Seriously? I don't know how many times I SPECIFICALLY mention what your W's needs are. AND she SPECIFICALLY outlined everything for you in a long letter. You're just not LISTENING.

I'am listening, I got confused about my W's needs because after the letters she wrote to me about how she felt, it morphed into her needs to be divorced and the conversation between us became a tug of war about that.
Once she decided she wanted D, the problem became that I wasn't honoring her wishes for D, not that I wasn't taking care of her needs from the past. I will reread her letters and your advice again.

Well to be real, you never bothered to bring up the point about the safe word which was as EXACT as advice as anyone could give you. But you don't follow through.

I'm sorry that I wasn't able to address that in the small time frame I had. Not trying to make excuses again, there really wasn't much time as I had to travel on business. I guess there's no excuse. I will trey to do better next time.

I'am not trying to be disrespectful of you or trying not to listen to you. In fact, I'am listening to you, but made that mistake. I hope you will not abandon my switch, but I know I cannot control how you feel or act.

[MrBond]

"I got confused about my W's needs because after the letters she wrote to me about how she felt, it morphed into her needs to be divorced"

I don't know HOW MANY TIMES I HAVE TO TELL YOU and the conversation between us became a tug of war about that.
Once she decided she wanted D, the problem became that I wasn't honoring her wishes for D, not that I wasn't taking care of her needs from the past. I will reread her letters and your advice again.

Well to be real, you never bothered to bring up the point about the safe word which was as EXACT as advice as anyone could give you. But you don't follow through.

I'm sorry that I wasn't able to address that in the small time frame I had. Not trying to make excuses again,"

"but I know I cannot control how you feel or act."

Don't even try DBing me. DB your W.

[MrBond]

"I got confused about my W's needs because after the letters she wrote to me about how she felt, it morphed into her needs to be divorced"

I don't know HOW MANY TIMES I HAVE TO TELL YOU. WHAT SHE WROTE IN HER LETTERS IS HER NEED. THE DIVORCE SHE IS ASKING FOR IS A WANT IT IS NOT A NEED! I don't know how much clearer I can make this.

"Once she decided she wanted D, the problem became that I wasn't honoring her wishes for D, not that I wasn't taking care of her needs from the past."

You don't get it! YOU not taking care of her needs from the past AND now are what's driving the D.

"I'm sorry that I wasn't able to address that in the small time frame I had. Not trying to make excuses again,"

BS, you are. You knew for weeks that you had no money and rather than looking at other options, YOU made the decision to move back home without telling your W. AND instead of talking to her about it, you just dropped off your bags which she discovered. THEN it was a few days until your C session and you STILL didn't talk to her about the safe word.

STOP MAKING EXCUSES FOR YOUR INABILITY TO ACT and stop blaming me and the other posters for your fears. If you don't act on what is suggested, why do you keep asking for help? Why do you keep arguing with me rather than actually doing something different, which is just doing something.

That is what I've gotten sick of. You constantly present yourself as the victim when for years your W was. AND you acted erratically and oftentimes pretty crazy. She was in the right.

"but I know I cannot control how you feel or act."

Don't even try DBing me. DB your W.

[adinva]

Remind yourself of the needs W expressed in the letter. Wanting to get a divorce because she's sick and tired of not getting her needs met now means that she's a lot less open to letting you meet those needs. Getting a divorce is not a NEED, but it's the only way your W sees to get her needs met. Fighting her on that is telling her no - I refuse to help you get your needs met because mine are much more important. Right now she wants to get away from you, and you want to get close and stay close and make her see that you're what she needs.

But have you done the work yet to BE what she needs? Are you clear yet on what that is? What are you doing now that is so completely different that she might be shocked and curious? What are your 180s? What mistakes has your sitch pointed out to you that you are 100% committed to changing from this day forward, for you, regardless of whether she stays with you or not?

[dorightman]

W's needs from letter:

Not to be ignored, needs compliments not criticism .needs to feel needed,,needs to feel special and appreciated,wants a best friend and a partner, needs to feel compassion,needs to feel like she is good enough,needs to feel connected.

But have you done the work yet to BE what she needs?

I've done a lot of work on myself, but Im a work in progress..I'am clear about what she needs.

What are you doing now that is so completely different that she might be shocked and curious? What are your 180s?

My 180s are to be supportive, not critical.be complimentary, give her space and time, be a great father, do not ignore her, try to be her friend and partner.

What mistakes has your sitch pointed out to you that you are 100% committed to changing from this day forward, for you, regardless of whether she stays with you or not?

All of the above!

[MrBond]

I want to stress that the needs of not wanting to be connected is NOT something you should be doing. Her number one need right now since your erratic behavior, is to feel "safe".

[dorightman]

I want to stress that the needs of not wanting to be connected is NOT something you should be doing. Her number one need right now since your erratic behavior, is to feel "safe".


I'm not sure I understand Bond, do you mean I should be trying to make her feel connected? Yes or no for clarity

I understand her need to feel safe s a priority.

THANK YOU!