Hi SD! It's good to hear from you! I hadn't seen a recent thread of yours so I really appreciate the update. And your comments about your new roommate intrigue me. I've really respected your efforts and self-reflection in the past and know that you didn't just toss your old RM out without serious consideration, so I'm curious about the course you're currently on. I believe I recall some very specific things regarding your old RM that would have been unacceptable to me too, AND, I wouldn't even want to change my perspective of it being unacceptable. Perhaps that's because I've worked hard to define boundaries and hold on to them, and any back-tracking or dropping of boundaries I've already established seems like teetering on a slippery slope. I don't know when it's appropriate to hold firm or when to question it. It's not like there's a rule book. For example, some women find it unacceptable to be slapped by their H; others will stick around after being beaten badly enough to be hospitalized. Sometimes, it's the same woman, just a different time in her life. Somewhere along the way, she went from knowing it was wrong to accepting it, perhaps even blaming herself. Clearly, at some point, she decided that her "dissatisfaction was all about how (she) chose to see things and respond." She's being truly compassionate (staying with him, not pressing charges, etc.), but I don't believe it's good. So where's the line? Where does it change from good to bad?
To my conversation with H, I would love to know what it should have looked like. I've been told I have the "lawyer" thing before; I'm not a lawyer, but I'm definitely logically driven, so I don't really know how to think any other way and I could easily believe that it would show in my conversations. In this case, I don't want to garden with him. Period. I believe I should be allowed that boundary. I don't have any other personal/restricted interests. And it's not like I'm bar-hopping, I'm in the back yard, alone, dirty and sweaty. I invited him to join me the first 6 years of our M, and he acted like I asked him to eat worms, complete with the facial scrunch and everything. So I developed my interest as a lone person and stopped asking him. For a long time, he was perfectly happy that I stopped asking him; I would even describe him as "relieved." Then he started asking to join me about 10 years ago. I declined. Now he simply won't drop it, yet he has no interest in it on his own. It's not like he has his own corner of the yard that he manages, or spends his free-time browsing through garden catalogs and he simply wants to have someone to share with. It seems like he only wants it because he can't have it.
We do things together. We just finished biking with my BIL and SIL. Why is his gardening with me so important? And how would I ever find that out without asking him? And if I ask him and he says, "I don't know," (which is very common, BTW) does that mean I have to drop *my* position, simply because *he* wants to?
After he said, " ... and you won't let me garden with you," what is the appropriate thing to say next? What would a "non-lawyer" conversation look like?
