Being patient.

[Mtnman]

Haha! I hear you FY. 2 years ago it would've been cool, now it hurts. Add a zero or two if it meant she's coming home.

[Mtnman]

I guess my patience is gone! It looks like I'm going to be filing ASAP and trying to get the boys and move. MIL told w she was evicted from her apt, which pissed w off, who told MIL and then me that she was never moving home and would instead move and take the boys.

I bucked and basically told her I would be keeping the boys, etc ending up in a torpedo of our current situation. I was nice but firm. Told her I was tired, wanted help with boys, and so forth and so on. I'm tired of the boys being exposed to her craziness, her friends craziness, and the knowledge that they aren't her first priority. Also, to protect myself financially. I ended it by saying I wanted to move with the boys closer to my family, 30 miles away, and would be pursuing that. She didnt like it and said we would fight it out.

I blew it, but the safety net has to be taken away. I'm really at a loss.

Thank u again MIL!!!

[reachingHigher]

Mtnman, ouch!

Painful stuff.

You know I'm not against filing for D. Heck, I did it myself. But it can't be a knee-jerk reaction. It can't be hoping to shake some sense into her, or hoping to get out of her life. She will always, always be in your life.

She may not be done with you, even if you are done with her. But maybe you should give it a few days and cool off a little.

It's harder, so to speak, when she treats you physically like you described when she was dressed up. I remember T^2 telling me some advice last fall as my H was always wanting to touch me and sometimes in "those" kinds of ways while we were preparing for D. He said something like "firmly" remove his arm, etc. Treat him like a co-worker.

Oh, I sure didn't want to, even though I knew T was right! What I mostly ended up doing was avoiding being near H or saying no to touch. I knew once he touched me I would melt. So I just had to struggle with the "I want you" eyes and the compliments.

It's a tough line.

Mtnman, others may give you some more helpful advice. You might try withdrawing a little, not letting her touch you, and waiting for filing for D, or maybe thinking things through how you really want it to be if the D should go through.

You are in this woman's life forever whether you're M or not.

I heard a country song recently,

I don't wanna be part of your fun,
Don't wanna be under your thumb
All I wanna be is…done

Are you really there? Or just want the pain to stop? Some of the pain can stop if you withdraw somewhat from her. It will protect YOU and your feelings and give you time to think about this very serious decision.

Always wishing you the best,
rH

[Mtnman]

I don't know rH. I'm typing this through tears. I don't want to be done but I'm tired of the hurt, I'm tired of the signals the boys are getting, I'm tired of worrying about the finances.

My heart says keep fighting, but my head says your (I'm) a fool. It was too much to hear her say "taking the boys". I couldn't ignore that. In my state I can't file for D for another six months (one year after separation), so it's mainly to protect my finances, and rights. I just don't know. It's loose/loose!

[reachingHigher]

I'm so sorry, Mtnman. I didn't think about it being so different for me since I'm female. I would have custody of S13 when we D. I know it's so difficult for single dads especially when the mom isn't doing her part!

Are you maintaining two households? Is she working? I forget. Would legal separation be an attractive option to protect finances?

Would keeping on the way you are but putting limits on your time together instead of encouraging it, let you ride this out emotionally, a little longer?

It seems you fall apart mostly when seeing her and getting close to interacting with her the way you used to. Is it possible to limit that?

You know my H didn't really change his mind till we were almost D (5 days short of it) and he really knew he was going to lose me or us. So....I feel bad saying to not decide to file. It's just a horribly scary place to be.

Just wondered if you could pull back on interactions with her. Like don't discuss future plans (pool, vacations) and don't invite her over unexpectedly where you had an encounter where she was dressed up.

It hurt me terribly to see or know my H dressed for other women (which he did admit later). It's better not to have to see that. I've fallen apart so many times. I really feel for you Mtnman.

Even yesterday I cried (privately) off and on for two hours. Just the grief bubbling up of the last two years. But it's really worth it. This new R I have with my H is really worth it.

Like climbing a mountain barefoot and arriving bleeding, hungry and thirsty and having a banquet and first aid at the top. You're glad you got there but the climb nearly destroyed you.

[Mtnman]

She works and makes good money, but she spends like crazy. Always has, but easy to ignore when you love someone. Legal separation is what I'm thinking, but unfortunately our mortgage requires both of us. It's on her family property so she doesn't want to loose it. But, she can't pay me the equity difference if that's the case. Leaves us selling it. She won't agree to that. Me and the boys live in the house now.

I put up with her coming by and acting like normal for the same of the boys, but it hurts me. If she's done (I know I know it's mlc) I want to move to my "home" where I have support and a better school system.

Funny, when the boys an I returned home this afternoon she had done laundry, dishes, hauled trash, and is cooking for them at her apt. They are now staying all night with her. All normal for when I've had enough. It's like she wants to prove to me she's worthy of custody. Stealing rounds, if you will (boxing term).

[reachingHigher]

That's a really tough spot, Mtnman. Feels like she is just playing with you.

The property issue is tough. We had a lot of back and forth about ours for the D agreement (we have 20 acres and a unique house).

Maybe you can breathe and think a little tonight with some time alone. Where will she stay now that MIL has told her to leave?

[Mtnman]

Oh! I left off the best part. After w and I had our discussion, MIL texts w and says she's "unevicted!" So all over nothing!!!!!

[reachingHigher]

Well, I was just thinking about MIL's POV. She lost her hubby. Maybe she doesn't wanna push away this daughter even tho she isn't making good decisions.

After my FIL died about 10 years ago, my H's sis and mom started making a lot of crazy choices. Just without an anchor.

I'm so sorry Mtnman. This is a difficult path.

[Mtnman]

I can see that.