The unexpected journey continues - next chapter II

[golf mom]

I've been all over the boards today commenting on other people's sitches. There are a lot of good things happening. Is this just the state I'm in? If so, why now with my own D being finalized in a few days. I feel like such a failure. I'm not saying that I take responsibility for H's choices, addiction, etc., but I have missed a lot of opportunities even as I became more aware. So, what held me back? Fear of rejection, deep hurt from abandonment? What do I do about it now? My H has moved on and I have a lot of regret.

[beatrice]

Gm , just my 2c but spewers are very hard to deal with as they have so much hurt inside them (I think). They take a long time to move through their crisis. It is different (not harder or less difficult) from those that stay close, and want to be friends with their spouses while having an affair. Some MLCers do this, and others run hard and fast, and trash us.

I too feel that I missed some chances, but the reality is I probably didn't, because I am looking at a different 'set' of MLCers. They have to get rid of their anger, and gradually the focus of it stops being us (such a relief when it happens) A true, personality changing MLC usually takes a very long time to work through, even if they don't get stuck, and I think you have handled a mean man very well.

I firmly believe that this type of MLCer actually wants to hurt us, as opposed to the 'casual' hurt that the stay at home, 'let's be best buds but I love someone else' type.

I too felt like a huge failure after my divorce, and still do occasionally if I am honest, and then I look at it from the outside. If someone else's h had an affair with a trashy woman (or several affairs) and there was a divorce, who would you describe as the flawed person?

Most people are sorry it happened and critical of my xh. They do not pity me in the sense I feared they might. i so did not want to be an object of pity!! But if anyone offers help, take it, and accept all invitations, just as if you were a widow. If you have a good friend close by call them up and spend time with them post divorce. i went out to lunch and had champagne. Didn't want to , but my friend insisted, and she was right. It wasn't a celebration but an affirmation that life goes on.

[mizjjd]

I think its normal for you to have regrets.

But looking at things in the rear view mirror offers a skewed image. I have missed a lot of opportunities even as I became more aware You see those opportunities NOW, but at the time they may not have been so visible. And even if they were, well you're not perfect you know. Maybe at the time you were mad, afraid, exhausted - you know, HUMAN.

I'm worried you are beating yourself up a little? Maybe a little is expected and ok, but do keep it in perspective - not everything was up to you to fix, or perform perfectly.

I think what you do about it now, right now, is nothing. Right now you get through your D and get firmly back on your feet. Snodderly and other sages say the D is rarely the end of all communication, especially when there are children. So you will have more opportunities to connect - if you so choose.

Best of luck

[golf mom]

Thank you all for responding. It has been extremely helpful to comment on your threads as well. I have learned a lot and see my own failures with clarity that I didn't have before.

Why is it so hard to see the good in our own situations and then respond by using all that we have learned? I believe we let the fear of pain and rejection stop us from using soul-soothing words and actions with our spouses. I definitely keep focusing on me when I have been told over and over that this is about my H. I have loved him for a long time, but maybe not unconditionally like I thought.

It's so easy for me to advocate for loving actions in other people's sitches because my heart won't hurt if there isn't reciprocation. It seems so black and white. Your spouse said/did this, so do x in return. I see good developments in many of the posts here, but I'm not so sure that I have seen them in my own sitch when they've happened. And even if I did, my fear would have kept me from responding in a way that would have demonstrated understanding, compassion and change.

I have thought a lot about this lately. It's been so easy for me to make changes with my kids. There's no fear. They aren't going anywhere or are rejecting me. I'm more relaxed, validating and loving. I have not been able to do the same with my H. My response to him was to cut off all contact. My heart just couldn't take anymore. He's with OW. To truly act loving and validating would feel bad, but why? I think it's because I believe to do that won't get me what I want (a restored marriage) and without reciprocation I would feel rejection that I can't handle right now. I really want to understand this because it's keeping me from being the person I want to be.

My mom and I talked a long time about this last night. She's a therapist so her feedback is often based on her training. She caught me saying things that are in-line with how my H might feel such as it's too late. There's nothing I can do now. I just have to move forward. True. I do have to move forward. I can't stop the D that he wants. To express my feelings would be persuing and not respectful of what he wants right now. However, I can work toward restoring a connection by removing all blocks (I did this yesterday) and communicate courageously and with a desire to also understand and respond in a way that says "I hear you." I might not receive anything in return, but that needs to feel OK.

I also need to let go of the past and stop blaming my H for how he left me and the boys. I didn't realize it, but through my actions I continue to shame him. I want him to rectify it by undoing it. That's not what he wants, but continuing to blame him doesn't change this. Now I understand why it's so important to be happy and upbeat around the WAS. It's so hard and feels like a sham, but to be otherwise pokes at the shame they already feel. My H told me several times that seeing me cry "sets him back for days." At the time I was so shattered that I just couldn't be different, but I understand why that would have been helpful.

I have prayed so hard for a different outcome. Why do I now have the clarity that I needed months ago? And what do I do now? Write a letter? Let it be? Wait for an opportunity or create one? How do I handle tomorrow, especially if my H (and even his gf) are there gloating over the D being final? My H sees me through his attorney's eyes right now who has tried to show that I am an angry, uncooperative and scornful. It's not true, but he believes that's his job.

How do I handle this, only taking responsibility for myself and leaving my H to deal with his own issues, failures, etc.?

[AJM]

You're very hard on yourself GM. But I think you know or see things when the time is right for you to know or see them. Not before.

Anger is not going to help you if left too long. Neither will shame. What you're describing is the pain you're feeling. I get that. Your H gets that too. I'm sure it's hard for him to deal with it, else he would. He should if you ask me. But perhaps he's not there yet.

I think you're on the right track though. Giving without the expectation of receiving in return is always the better and more fulfilling route (seems counter intuitive, but over time you'll see what I mean.)

For your L, you may have to have a talk with him about that. They do try to illicit emotions if they can. It helps them do their job. But it's not always helpful. I had that conversation with my L. She disliked my ex as did her own L. But I made sure to set her straight because I didn't want that to be the final word I had to say.

I was bitter and angry for a long time, GM. It takes time and effort and you seem pretty much at the point you want change. I think that's a great place to be, honestly.

You only have to do the best you can do and be you. He has to do his part on his own.

Peace,
AJ

[golf mom]

AJM, the anger, thankfully, dissipated a while ago. What I am most challenged by is the lack of security. My H has offered me the house so many times and then gets mad and retracts his offer. This part of the settlement should be a non issue at this point. We should only be focusing on the remaining issues (minor) that we hadn't previously agreed to. I don't know who is driving this, the attorney or my H, but it's definitely not a good faith effort.

I'm finding it so hard to allow communication with someone who continues to blame and create problems. My H hasn't shown growth at all so he still approaches problems the way he always has. He doesn't seek to understand and solve issues. He spends a lot of time telling people why they're wrong and why their way of thinking doesn't make sense. Throughout the D whenever we have hit a snag he just says "I'm done!" rather than stick it out and work toward resolution. He is very young emotionally. I guess I keep approaching this as if I'm dealing with a fully evolved person. I honestly don't have a clue as to how to handle this. I know what I want to do which is apply all of my growth, but I don't feel confident, rather I'm fearful, of the response. We don't need attorneys to negotiate a settlement. We need a therapist.

[AJM]

Aye, a therapist would be better.

What are you fearful of? What would happen at this point if you said what you're thinking? Carefully thought out speaking of course.

What would happen if you changed the game, so to speak? If you were the one to consistently lead the conversations by being patient and reasonable regardless of how he acted?

Peace,
AJ

[golf mom]

AJ, I just don't want to make any more mistakes and fuel the animosity between us. I feel like I have been patient, kind and reasonable and all that has gotten me is more of the same. My heart can't take the spewing anymore. I want to have courageous conversations, but I don't want to open myself up to more blame and baseless accusations. I'm not kidding when I say we need a therapist to settle things between us. The attorneys just make it worse. My H is hiding like a child behind his.

I'm just overwhelmed. I want to do the right thing. I really do. But what is that? My H isn't meeting me half way. Even my attorney feels that we are going to need to hire a mediator and have a five-way negotiation since H and his attorney have been so detrimental to the process. This is coming from someone who claims that settlement is her strength and has a good track record. So now what?

[NLW]

"My H is hiding like a child behind his."

GM, My heart goes out to you. I know how hard this is.

I don't have much advice to offer - as I'm in the same boat atm - but I think you hit the nail on the head with the above observation.

I see my XH's (so uncharacteristic) behaviour around financial settlement as his way of demonstrating his hurt. Hurt that he believes I caused.

I hurt him SO much, he says.
And this is how he's going to show me and the world (his new 'friends') the extent of what i did to him.

It is a childish, disempowered (in many senses) reaction to extreme hurt, guilt and shame (as backwards as that seems).

He has even told me that I "made him like he is now".

In terms of what to do, IDK for sure.
But i feel like I don't have much option other than to continue on my path of pursuing a fair settlement through legal avenues (oxymoron?).

In my case, XH has struggled and threatened and ignored court orders and made a fool of himself in front of the Judge.
Recently, he filed a discontinuance notice - and I have no idea what he has in store next.

And re the D - it's something i feared absolutely.
Then when it came, it didn't seem so consequential. it didn't change anything, really. Other than to make XH behave nicer to me (he got something he [thought he] wanted), and it made me realise that it was a necessary step in closing off a relationship that had truly run its course.
Sort of made a future with XH seem more likely rather than less, if you get what I mean.

So, for me fwiw, sitting still at this stage and continuing on my path regardless of what XH throws at me, has seemed to work. I still get spew and threats, but I also get some niceness from him. It just shows me that he is still deep in turmoil.

[Notlikingthis]

golf mom,

You have been more than patient, understanding, kind and reasonable. You can always hold your head up and know that you've done everything that you could have done. Your h is in need of a lot more help than you can offer to him. He needs some serious therapy. That is for HIM to first, admit and then seek.

As to what to do next. I believe that should a mediator become involved it will make the whole process a lot more equitable. They are suppose to be a neutral party and I think you'll do much better on your settlement. And btw, the laws in your state need some serious change. When this is all said and done I would make it my mission to contact the Senators, Legislators and whomever else will listen to do just that. Just because it's more of an emotional contract/decree that we sign when we agree to marry someone, it's no different than signing a contract for purchase of goods and services. People that try to break contracts need to be accountable!

I have no words of wisdom or advice other than that your h is crazy to be you letting go. My prayers are with you. I'll be thinking good and positive thoughts tomorrow afternoon as well. Take care of yourself.