One month down, zero casualties

[AJM]

If anything I want my kids to know I did everything I could, and hopefully they will put that effort into their marriage. And H will know I did everything I could. I didn't abandon him at his darkest.

It matters a lot to your kids. To you as well. It is very important.


Peace,
AJ

[Raine]

Miz, it may not be that you're avoiding. You're doing it your way in your time. You're taking precaution and taking the safe route. I guess avoiding would be to sit down and quit, or to turn around and go back. I interpreted my H as avoiding because he talked a lot about burying his feelings and problems and that he always has.

I love that you crawled across that tree! So awesome!! I'm glad the quiz helped you.

uWr & AJ, I'm glad it matters. I'm determined. It stops with this generation. My boys are not going to do what their father and grandfather and great-grandfather has done. They'll have the coping skills. They'll be able to overcome the depression, genetic or not.

[job]

Raine,
The last paragraph of your posting made me think of a book that I had read many years ago, which may be helpful to you as you continue to walk the path w/your h. The book is entitled "Silent Sons", written by Robert J. Ackerman. It is an excellent read not only for you, but for you h (when the time is right). It will help you to better understand how some issues are passed down generation to generation by the men. It may help to stop the pattern in your family.

I think you are doing a great job...you are a wonderful mother.

[Raine]

snodderly thank you so much! I just ordered it.

[job]

Please let me know what you think of the book after you have read it.

I found a lot of the behaviors that my xh exhibited throughout the crisis are almost identical to what his father throughout his life.

[job]

Last paragraph should read:

"I found a lot of the behaviors that my xh exhibited throughout his crisis are almost identical to what his father did through his life."

[RosaLinda]

Hi Raine!

I like what you wrote, TVS "It's hard when we are one of the ropes, but I think of it as a transition. They aren't going to let go of all of the other ropes and just have us till they are ready. They need to fully realize they don't need those other ropes ( and that these ropes actually make their life worse, not better)."

Transitional ropes, sigh... I wonder if the MLCers drop (or cut?) them one at a time, or all at once. Probably a little of each. I'm learning, to my sorrow, that Russian ropes are a lot more tenatious and sturdier than I ever dreamed. Sort of like the ivy that climbs up the chimney, and actually sinks its little suckers right into the mortar somehow. Damned Russian ropes. 

I took your quiz too Raine. My dilemma was that my H is in love with another woman; my hole very deep but not too big in diameter; I walked around it. Like Mz J's. I'm glad you interpreted hers as "it may not be that you're avoiding. You're doing it your way in your time. You're taking precaution and taking the safe route.". I figured I was avoiding too. But I'm glad that my smallish hole means that my H being in love with RT is not a big problem. Maybe I stated the wrong dilemma though. "My H is going thru a MLC" probably would have had a different outcome! Big big hole!

How do you keep all these OW straight Raine? How did you learn of all of them? It must be so hurtful. But you know what I think, that a lot of OW is a better sitch than one particular OW. None would be better yet, but when my H was telling 3 or 4 Russian female pen pals that he was in love with them all at the same time, I was reassured that none of them actually meant anything. I'm a bit shakey now that he's narrowed it down to one. 

Put on your baker's cap Raine! I'll be glad when the baking is finally done and it's time to whip up some frosting!

[uRworthy]

Raine, we sure are tough Momma bears when it comes to our kids, arent we?

I want you to know that my son asked me if I did everything I could to save his family. I could only answer for myself and I was so glad to be able to say honestly, yes, I did and then some.

[Raine]

snodderly, I think my H is most like his grandfather. He was in and out of the house and the grandmother always took him back. Multiple affairs, illegitimate children. That of course did a number on H's father, who never left the home but has chronic depression and never did much for work and hasn't worked in years. Meeting his family was nearly enough for me not to marry him. But, he had already rose above that. He had his BA at that point, first in his family to go to college and later got a MA too. He was religious. I thought he overcome his background, he would work and overcome anything else in life.

Hey Linda! My H has cut all OW at once before, but not 100% to blocking them out of his life. He tried to transition them to friends. But then some have now become f buddies. I think he tried to play the boyfriend role with 1 & 4. He couldn't handle that and I'm sure he made for a crappy bf. Problem is these women will accept and put up with anything. He must have a lot of excuses and a good sob story. He says now he is too messed up and doesn't want to hurt anyone. OW3 is the only one I think it completely out of the picture. I do have a hard time keeping track. I noticed in one of my last posts I said the wrong one even lol. It doesn't matter much. They're all interchangeable in my mind. I get clues into them typically because he talks about them if it's a co-worker. The others because he adds them on FB and they all have similar things about them that stand out. And he will always want to tell me why he added them. I can look at the people he adds now and say, there is only one possible reason he would add her.

uRw, for sure. I think at this point I could answer that with affirmation too. If he leaves tomorrow, I have no doubt that I need to file. The kids are number one and I need to protect them and their stability.

...

Safety goggles ready? H has continued to do more and more nights at home with friends. The friends are fine. These aren't party friends, they're geeky and younger. Kind of reminds me a lot of college/Hs. So instead of him going out most nights he is having them come here and involving me. He asked if I wanted to play on Sat night and I said yes that's fine but worried his friends would get annoyed with me dealing with the baby. He said that would not be an issue and if it ever was, he would tell them they could leave. So it's almost like he is having it here because he wants to involve me? We definitely have the much nicer place and lots of food. Kind of makes me think of in HS this is the cool parents place.

Then, his parents will be coming in a few months to stay with us for a long vacation. This has some swirling going on in H. First he has issues with his dad. I asked H if he was excited and it was a "eh." He thinks his dad is going to wonder why we don't do more for them. My concern is H feeling like he has to stay here because of them or even using that as an excuse when he is here by choice. At one point I told him "you're parents can stay here and see the kids as much as they want, no matter what is going on.I don't want you to stress about that." He got really quiet and welled up with tears. That was that. I gave him a quick hug and changed topics. He is telling ow that he has to stay here for awhile. That he has figured things out and it's going to take time to get to the place he can move out. He talks like this is a financial thing. That has nothing to do with it. Nothing stopping him there and he doesn't know what the finances are anyway so I don't know what he would be calculating. But at the same time he is saying when is it going to be about him and being able to tell the ones he cares about that he loves them. This is so confusing to me, so he must be hell-a-confused.

So anyway after the talk about his parents could stay here no matter what, we started talking about where everyone would sleep and he said he could sleep in the boys room. Then he proceeded to spent about three hours organizing a game and media closet. If we D he would take all of that with him, so interesting to me he just spent all that time to make it perfect here.

Lots and lots of family time together last week. Going out and staying in and hanging out together. It is this strange dynamic of being back to best friends without the physical or emotional relationship. That's hard, but I'm holding.

[RosaLinda]

Good thing you warned us to put on T2's safety goggles Raine!

"So anyway after the talk about his parents could stay here no matter what, we started talking about where everyone would sleep and he said he could sleep in the boys room. Then he proceeded to spent about three hours organizing a game and media closet. If we D he would take all of that with him, so interesting to me he just spent all that time to make it perfect here."

Making that game closet perfect IS interesting, a good good sign! But....why would he sleep in the boys' room when his parents come? Wouldn't he rather be in with you? How will he explain to them why he is sleeping with the boys? Although it is so far in the future as MLC goes, they change daily. Hourly. Minute-ly, if that is a word!

" He is telling ow that he has to stay here for awhile. That he has figured things out and it's going to take time to get to the place he can move out. He talks like this is a financial thing. That has nothing to do with it. Nothing stopping him there and he doesn't know what the finances are anyway so I don't know what he would be calculating. But at the same time he is saying when is it going to be about him and being able to tell the ones he cares about that he loves them. This is so confusing to me, so he must be hell-a-confused."

WHAT! Did he actually tell you this? Which OW is this LOL? Holy cow. But listen Raine, this is just more lying MLC double talk. He has no desire to leave, but wants to keep his OW on the leash. My H does the same. His RT gets so angry with him that he (so far) refuses to leave me, and has not initiated divorce proceedings.

Cadet was right -- TIME IS ON OUR SIDE! Especially when they are still at home with us. You're doing great, I am trying to do better LOL! You're a good role model for dealing with a stay at home MLCer!