Stuck between a rock and a hard place!

[adinva]

What does NOT giving her a D look like?

What does NOT using DB techniques look like?

Serious questions, I'm curious how you think.

[dorightman]

You know better. This is not going to be easy on the kids at all, and they're not going to grow up and be President just because Obama did. You must treat your kids like the individuals they are, and get them the help they need at the time they need it. Maybe they will be fine, maybe not, but you will do all you can, right?

Yes I will.

Coparenting classes would be a great start if she's interested. If you didn't end up getting divorced what would be the harm in having had some education in coparenting? Or read some well regarded books on helping children in divorce situations. Taking actions like that won't push your W toward divorce if she was already headed in that direction but might give her an inkling that you're making the best of things and taking her seriously.

Thx for this good advice! Will look into it.

[dorightman]

Thx lovethehub.

I just read this whole thread and what stands out in an overwhelming way is your refusal to listen and to use the advice given to you by Mr. Bond.


I'am going back and reading all the advice from Bond. I will try to do better this go around.

You MUST LET HER GO and you need to listen to her.


Does this mean GAL and focus on myself? OR does this mean give her a D?
If I don't give her a D, she will continue to say I'm not listening to her because what that really means is I'm not giving her what she wants.

Thank you again for reading up on my sitch!

[dorightman]

What does NOT giving her a D look like?

To me as I understand it, it means to continue to DB, GAL, focus on myself, be more detached, but lovingly, validate her when she wants to talk, be a great dad, be as helpful to her as she wants me to, give her as much space & time as possible, work on myself by reading and T. Have I left anything out?

What does NOT using DB techniques look like?

I would say the opposite of what I wrote above.

[adinva]

I think you misread. What does NOT giving her a D look like?

If you say, "No, W, over my dead body. I am NOT GIVING you a D!" what happens different? Play it out in your head. How much can you resist her, and does that get you the accolades for standing up for marriage that you might be hoping for?

On the second question, OK, so run with that. Let's say you decide NOT to use DB techniques any more. So you will do the opposite. You will not get a life or doing anything fun, you will focus entirely on her and be emotionally dragged around by her moods and behavior, you will unlovingly not-validate and argue what she wants to talk about. You will be a bad dad and as unhelpful to her as possible, and give her NO space and NO time. You will not try to be a better person. Are you suggesting that is a legitimate choice that is currently on the table? Once you know DBing I don't see how you might decide to stop, but I'm really curious what stopping really looks like to you and if that is really on the table. Just trying to help you answer the question you posed.

[MrBond]

"Sometimes your advice is great, but other times you do the opposite of encouragement."

Really? Now you're blaming me? I and others who post to you aren't here to hold your hand. We suggest things that you might want to do to help your situation. The frustrating part is that you don't do them or follow them or try to understand them. You make excuses. For example, you were away from your home for several months and during that time you got more involved in your kids' lives (which you should have been doing anyway) and you tried to GAL. But you never bothered to learn how to address your W's needs. Not wants, NEEDS.

labug is right. You are trying to change your W and her attitude rather than yourself. There's a difference.

[dorightman]

If you say, "No, W, over my dead body. I am NOT GIVING you a D!" what happens different? Play it out in your head. How much can you resist her, and does that get you the accolades for standing up for marriage that you might be hoping for?


Not much happens different. I will always strive for the best, although the opposite answer is pretty funny,it does bring light in. I misunderstand the second question. Not on this table.

I can only resist her for a period of time. I'm not looking for accolades, I just want my family to stay together and I love my w and want her to love me too.

[adinva]

Ok, so when you said:

Accepting that it is your WAS's need and desire sounds like the worst thing you could possible do if you care about the marriage, but it's the only way that Chinese finger trap can get the space to release its tension. If she ever might change her mind that's the only place she could change it from.

I understand this Advina. Does this mean that I give her a D? OR Does it mean that I continue to use DB techniques ?

...what are you asking when you want to know if I mean you should give her a D? You can't NOT give her a D, you understand? You can be a jerk about it or not, is what I'm saying. Which do you think MIGHT save your relationship?

...and what are you asking when you want to know if I meant that you should continue to DB? If I said no, stop it right now and act like that opposite guy, would you do that? FWIW I think you should continue to DB, but I think you already knew that.

I'm being obtuse, on purpose, to get you to clarify your own thinking. Don't imagine that this is a battle between Divorce and Divorce-Busting, because it's not. Divorce will happen if W wants it to, no matter whether you behave honorably or not, manly or not, kindly or not, but what kind of person are you? Divorce-Busting techniques are not just DB techniques, they are the right way to behave, and you know that too. You were probably hoping they were this thing you do to save your marriage, and if it doesn't work, oh well, you quit doing them. Now that you know what DBing is, would you stop doing it?

Giving your W peace, understanding, and space, is your best shot. Accepting that she needs something she's not getting from the marriage, and giving her the space to get that thing that she NEEDS is your best shot. Being the best man that you can be, whether it saves your marriage or not, is your best shot. Give it your best shot, ok?

You can want her to love you, and you can be sad that she's not, but there's no book in the world that'll make her love you. You just have to do the work you need to do so that, if she looks back, she sees something different and better than what she had before.

[dorightman]

No disrespect Bond, I appreciate all the advice and knowledge. I understand your frustration with me, heck, I'm frustrated with myself too!
I'm not blaming you, I'm actually thankful for all the support on this site, good people!
I guess i came across as desperate like labug said. I can see that now.
Gotta stop that for sure.
I do try to understand the advice, I guess I'm a bit of a slow learner at certain things.
I think what happens is I get advice, I get regenerated,but as time goes by and nothing changes, I get discouraged and eventually desperate, eeech!

But you never bothered to learn how to address your W's needs. Not wants, NEEDS.

I'm trying man! Communication has been tough. Not wanting to make excuses, I really do want to address my w's needs. Just not sure what they are and how to address them. Sounds like she needs a D and she's unhappy I don't give it to her yet.
Just have to Gal and worry about myself for now, until she wants me to address her needs.

[dorightman]

or until I'm ready to address her need for a D