Emotional Connection and Attraction

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BC,

I can't put my finger on what the differences are but the S seems to be right of the table the last couple weeks. Worse than normal. She mentioned during our last R talk a few back that there's times when she actually gets anxious when were alone and S could be on the table. But a week after that she completely initiated and the S was great-she didn't seem uncomfortable whatsoever. Hot and cold I guess.

What makes me feel worse about the last couple weeks is I know she's "taken care of herself" numerous times when she's home alone during the day. I have things in the drawer she keeps her vibe in and I'm embarrassed to say I've been paying attention to if has been taken out or not.

I understand there's many other reasons she could be doing this (stress relief etc) but it is still pretty deflating for me.

I think you need to be patient regarding the sex. I know it took a long time for me to be attracted to my H again, and feeling pressure to have sex made it worse. And, ironically, I couldn't stand my H's kisses at the time. I never thought about it before OM but after, I didn't like them at all. That is all changed now and I love his kisses again. She sounds like me and it sounds like she is trying to push you away because she isn't ready inside.

As for making you feel deflated, does she feel that way when you take care of yourself? Probably not. Not everything is about you. She has to work through this at her pace.

Being the WAS doesn't make everything roses on your end, you have a lot of emotions to deal with and even though she wants to R, it doesn't mean everything goes away at once.

Should I be asking her for more detail on her attraction issues or should I just leave it alone for now?

Be patient. And please, stop trying to talk about everything. I don't know if you were a big talker before her A or not, but my H wasn't and then afterwards he wanted to talk about EVERYTHING. I couldn't stand it, it drove me further away.

A few weeks ago when we had a bump in the road (OMW text), we talked about the fact she was waiting for feelings to come back but hasn't put any work into it. I feel like she still hasn't. I'm mind reading but its almost like she's rather just not talk about it.

Maybe it feels like she hasn't put any work into it. It took me a long time. My feeling now is that I was so far out of my M, it actually took me a couple of years of getting back in to actively be able to work on it. Many days I wanted to but just as many I didn't. All of the pressure made me want to run away. It is not an easy road. Continue to DB, GAL and give her time.

I agree we need a MC. To be honest I'm worried about her reaction to me bringing this up. She said she thought when our MC ended in Oct that the MC took us as far as she could (I obviously disagree). I'm worried her guard is going to go back up if I suggest it - I'm mind reading but I believe she fears having to talk again about her indiscretions.

What did your MC focus on? Just the affair or what happend in your M that allowed your W to feel it was okay to make that choice?

Our sessions always seemed to revolve around my A and how H felt about it, the damage it did, etc. It was as if everything bad in our M started the day my A did because we never discussed the things leading up to it. It was infuriating..and we tried 3 different MC's. There wasn't a single one who would help steer the conversation to other issues, or to how to talk about these things without arguing or yelling even when I flat out asked them to.

If you want to go to MC, you need to be sure to find one who is SB, and you need to talk to your W about your concerns about where you are NOW. Let her know that you want to go to learn how to move forward together.

I'm the one that's initiating all of the affection the last 2-3 weeks.

What does this affection look like? If they are "playful but sexual touches" that is not affection and is a turnoff when you are struggling in your M. Sometimes even when you aren't. It's nice just to be hugged for no reason, have a hand on the arm or back as you walk by, etc.

Hang in there BC, it sounds like she wants things to be better. You need to be more patient than ever.