Thank you all for responding. It has been extremely helpful to comment on your threads as well. I have learned a lot and see my own failures with clarity that I didn't have before.
Why is it so hard to see the good in our own situations and then respond by using all that we have learned? I believe we let the fear of pain and rejection stop us from using soul-soothing words and actions with our spouses. I definitely keep focusing on me when I have been told over and over that this is about my H. I have loved him for a long time, but maybe not unconditionally like I thought.
It's so easy for me to advocate for loving actions in other people's sitches because my heart won't hurt if there isn't reciprocation. It seems so black and white. Your spouse said/did this, so do x in return. I see good developments in many of the posts here, but I'm not so sure that I have seen them in my own sitch when they've happened. And even if I did, my fear would have kept me from responding in a way that would have demonstrated understanding, compassion and change.
I have thought a lot about this lately. It's been so easy for me to make changes with my kids. There's no fear. They aren't going anywhere or are rejecting me. I'm more relaxed, validating and loving. I have not been able to do the same with my H. My response to him was to cut off all contact. My heart just couldn't take anymore. He's with OW. To truly act loving and validating would feel bad, but why? I think it's because I believe to do that won't get me what I want (a restored marriage) and without reciprocation I would feel rejection that I can't handle right now. I really want to understand this because it's keeping me from being the person I want to be.
My mom and I talked a long time about this last night. She's a therapist so her feedback is often based on her training. She caught me saying things that are in-line with how my H might feel such as it's too late. There's nothing I can do now. I just have to move forward. True. I do have to move forward. I can't stop the D that he wants. To express my feelings would be persuing and not respectful of what he wants right now. However, I can work toward restoring a connection by removing all blocks (I did this yesterday) and communicate courageously and with a desire to also understand and respond in a way that says "I hear you." I might not receive anything in return, but that needs to feel OK.
I also need to let go of the past and stop blaming my H for how he left me and the boys. I didn't realize it, but through my actions I continue to shame him. I want him to rectify it by undoing it. That's not what he wants, but continuing to blame him doesn't change this. Now I understand why it's so important to be happy and upbeat around the WAS. It's so hard and feels like a sham, but to be otherwise pokes at the shame they already feel. My H told me several times that seeing me cry "sets him back for days." At the time I was so shattered that I just couldn't be different, but I understand why that would have been helpful.
I have prayed so hard for a different outcome. Why do I now have the clarity that I needed months ago? And what do I do now? Write a letter? Let it be? Wait for an opportunity or create one? How do I handle tomorrow, especially if my H (and even his gf) are there gloating over the D being final? My H sees me through his attorney's eyes right now who has tried to show that I am an angry, uncooperative and scornful. It's not true, but he believes that's his job.
How do I handle this, only taking responsibility for myself and leaving my H to deal with his own issues, failures, etc.?
