own a buz - pt 12 ... taking him off the pedestal

[MrBond]

And you still think your H is like PON's W?

[makingmagic]

I feel bullied when he is insisting on purchasing more inventory. I feel bullied when he gets forceful and insistant and doesn't back down. I feel pressured to do as he wishes. When I try to explain our business strategy that he designed, he ususally annoyingly states "fine then, do what you want"... which in turn I end up doing what he wants.

The cookies are are super nice guesture. I am greatful that he did that. Very surprised as I feel he went out and bought them, just for me.

[mizjjd]

It does sound like his "bullying" is restricted to business?

And didn't you say once that although you were 50/50 you were actually the lesser partner?

Usually there is a leader in every partner - a dominant personality.

Is he "attacking" or "belittling" you and your suggestions?

[golf mom]

MM, if you want to work well together seek to understand. Neither of you is hearing the other. You're just posturing. Set a good time to talk and start by asking him to tell you about his idea to purchase new inventory. Be truly interested and enthusiastic if you can muster it. Really listen. The purchase might make sense. You can remind him of the original business plan that you agreed on. Let him know that you would like to understand the reason for this new approach. If it seems detrimental to the business then voice your concerns. You can then work toward a compromise. Be friendly about it. You both seem to back one another into a corner and the other comes out swinging. It's not working.

[golf mom]

I wanted to comment on your thread title because it says something very important about you and your goals. Why would you want to take the man you love off his pedestal? Instead, raise him up. Praise him. Show that you have confidence in him and admire him. These are loving actions and may be just what he needs from you. If your goal is to knock him down you can kiss your relationship goodbye.

[RosaLinda]

"Weird. After a busy and irritating morning with H with work. It was fairly early in the day still and H and I decided to go back to the house and wash some of our vehicle inventory. When we got there, h offered me a coffee, I asked for ice water. He brought out his "last cookie" for his coffee and away we worked. After a few hours, h disappeared for quite a little while, then I saw a vehicle being moved in our driveway. I casually asked where he was gone, that I noticed. He said that he had gone inside to go to the washroom. I continued washing. As I was getting ready to leave he mentioned that he put some fresh macadamia & choc chip cookies in my car for me and my daughter as well as his computer."

that's NICE Magic! And good solid advice from Golf Mom! Hang in there!

[MrBond]

"I feel bullied when he is insisting on purchasing more inventory. etc."

All of your reasons for feeling bullied are just a part of being a partner in business. It's why partners disagree all the time. This has nothing to do with your personal relationship.

And again, equating it to the way PON is treated by his W is not the same. His W has been verbally, psychologically and physically abusive. Your H hasn't shown any signs of that.

[Wonka]

Msgic,

I would recommend that you start focusing more on the positives instead of the negatives. When you focus on the positives, you get more of them.

Examples:

As I was getting ready to leave he mentioned that he put some fresh macadamia & choc chip cookies in my car for me and my daughter as well as his computer.

It was a nice, small gesture on H's part. Did you acknowledge it and thank him for these cookies?

He also mentioned that he was going to keep the pressure washer out and handy as I think he wants to do this together again, soon. I think he was suggesting that, but I interrupted him.

Why would you want to interrupt him on this? I think it would have been a wonderful bonding activity for you and H. Don't turn down opportunities like this from H. Showcase a new, upbeat Magic and that would have been fun with soapy suds flying around! It was a missed opportunity on your part.

He said definately now that we are done our audit, he was going to enjoy.

He's telling you that the major stressor is now checked off and he's feeling really good about the audit being completed. Perhaps you can show some appreciation by bringing him is favorite drink or food. Just have a bit fun....say, "H, partner! We're doooone with the audit. Yay! Here's your [favorite drink]." Find creative ways to keep things positive instead of going into a snit about not having a relaxing evening together. Your expectations of "having a nice evening together and relaxing" is a tad high...it was not met and thus you got disappointed. Key is to keep your expectations at zero.

Do you know what is your H's LL?

[makingmagic]

WOW ~ lots of responses !!

mizjjd ~ At this time, its restricted to business as thats the only relationship we have now. Yes, apparantly I am the lesser partner (and am fine with that), however he does disregard a lot of my concerns and its "his way, or the highway". That attitude played out in our relationship too.

gabbysmom ~ our entire relationship/business is very meshed. Somewhere along the way we blended the two, which ended up damaging and diminishing the relationship. In the end, all we had was business and sex. I did try what you suggested the last time he said that, I said "ok, then you will have to stand behind what I did and not get mad that it was a bad choice".

golf mom ~ Yesterday, I went for councelling. He suggested something similar to what you did. He suggests hosting a weekly meeting where we hash out our concerns, questions, praises, etc. and come to a solution. Save all petty arguements for "business meeting" as opposed to all the little ones that pop up throughout the day. As for my thread title. It is not meant to knock him down, but to see him as he is...today. I always compliment him, infront of our clients too. He is talented and I have always appreciated him.

Linda ~ THANK YOU! I thought it was nice too.

MrBond ~ Thank you, I understand partners disagree. I am saddened that our business over took our personal relationship and our intimacy went out the window.

Wonka ~ I agree. Need to focus more on the positives!! Yes, I thanked him. I actually said "wow, awesome awesome... thank you". I didn't mean to interrupt him, it just happened. The soapy suds scene doesn't really happen for us. Its about "work" and looks like work, we didn't talk much. However, I think he was happy of what we accomplished together. And I think this is why he wants to leave the pressure washer handy to do it again. Yes, he was very relieved about the audit. I would have liked to keep it fun and upbeat but the dang phone interrupted our high moment. I would think that bringing him something would be considered pursuit at this time. My snit was not portrayed infront of him. I kept it to myself. H's LL is acts of service. Why?

Thanks for all responses...much appreciated.

As mentioned, I had a councelling session yesterday. 3 hours worth!! He is trying to teach me about acceptance and that things happen for a reason. He said that I need to accept that this is where I am now, and to call out for a better union. To envision a happy union where H is healed and I am stronger. A better relationship from what we had. This had to happen. To have a PMA. More positive thinking. He also wants to strategize with me. For example, the business meeting suggestion. He says that right now, even my voice can come across as a "nag" in his ear. Whether I am complimenting or complaining. No difference. He is understanding that h is extremely overwhelmed and I have become a commodity. Another thing nattering at him, that required attention. I was the easiest thing to let go out of all that he carries on his plate. My job now is to remove myself from his "duties", so that I can be viewed as an individual again.

[RosaLinda]

"As mentioned, I had a councelling session yesterday. 3 hours worth!! He is trying to teach me about acceptance and that things happen for a reason. He said that I need to accept that this is where I am now, and to call out for a better union. To envision a happy union where H is healed and I am stronger. A better relationship from what we had. This had to happen. To have a PMA. More positive thinking. He also wants to strategize with me. For example, the business meeting suggestion. He says that right now, even my voice can come across as a "nag" in his ear. Whethe r I am complimenting or complaining. No difference. He is understanding that h is extremely overwhelmed and I have become a commodity. Another thing nattering at him, that required attention. I was the easiest thing to let go out of all that he carries on his plate. My job now is to remove myself from his "duties", so that I can be viewed as an individual again."

Your counselor says your H views you as a commodity? And your voice is a nag? Wow Magic, that's rough. Did he give you any solid advice about how to remove yourself and be seen as an individual?