The Final Countdown

[Fartiltre]

Hi RRD

Welcome! Sorry to read about your situation!


It seems like you are doing great! I do agree with KarenR.

You definitely learned alot on your own through this process, so pat yourself on the back with what you have accomplished.

I am not a vet but still I do have a few point I will surrender to your mind!

A little frustrated with moderation. Would be nice to get responses.

We have ALL been through this. Keep posting and you will get off!
Responses will come and hopefully a VET will look by your thread soon

What would hope look like in this situation?

Only time and your efforts will give the answer to this one! But there is ALWAYS hope! ALWAYS!
But if you read others in here she isn’t that bad/mad at you!

Struggling with hopelessness and loneliness.

GAL is the solution to the loneliness and patience to the other. If you want to do this then patience is a keyword. It is rare that R is achieved in less than a year!
All your GAL is lonely stuff – find something that will make you meet new people and start doing things with friends!

Gave W money to get her through to payday after she pays her rent.
I offered to buy her the urgent groceries she needs.

Why, to make brownie points?
Be nice but do not make this easy to her! Treat her like a friendly neighbor!

First time she ever explicitly told me that her pride didn't want to let her ask for help.

How did you respond to this?

W denies affair, says they are just “fantasies.

Do you believe her! What is your gut-feeling?

It is hard to go dark

Why go dark right now?
You are paying her money and writing about going dark at the same time!
Educate yourself and then choose a path to follow!

No R talk, no M talk.

Good, stick with this!

In the past she always felt I was manipulative or had ulterior motives if I complimented her (wasn't true, she's had self-image issues and reacted this way)

WRONG!! This was her feeling and you blame her for it! Feelings isn’t about true or false – they are always true! I am the master of mistakes in this area so please do believe me! Your Ws feelings are true to her! Deal with them and do not try to explain them!

This is getting better and I think she no longer doubts my sincerity most of the time

GOOD! Now tell me why they are getting better! Because she is not so much around or because YOU have changed? Do think about it!

Could complimenting her be considered pursuing behavior?

YES! Be nice to her as to your neighbor!

W is very stubborn and can be very emotionally distant when she feels her version of past events, or future without me, is threatened.

Why would she feel this way?

Read up on:
WAW/WAS syndrome.
Read all you can in here. Find others with WAS and follow them!
Communication and especially VALIDATION – this is important! You are communicating and you need to validate her feelings! Do follow AnotherStander in here – he is the expert on validating!
You will find a lot on both online!

Have you read Sandi2s rules?
If not, then do it, memorize them and live them!


The biggest question I have for you right now is:
WHY DID SHE LEAVE YOU????
Be specific and center your answer on you! You have explained a lot about surroundings but what about you?
She isn’t leaving your surroundings – she is leaving you!
What did or didn’t you do?

Chilling out and not reacting. Taking (mostly) confident control of the household tasks.

This is the only specific 180s you mention!
You need to 180 on the reasons for her leaving! As many as possible!


You need to work through your situation again. Be truthful to yourself and do focus on your own part in the D. What went wrong! Look at you and nothing else? What would you change 2 years ago if given the chance!
This is about YOU, YOU and YOU and not W or surroundings!



All the best!

F