Two years in limbo, it's a fine place

[adinva]

Feeling generally down, and know it, so I'm trying to make plans to pick myself back up. I've started C25K and finished week 1 without a hitch, on to week 2.

S13 has really hit the teenage crazies all of a sudden. He's been asking to go to Busch Gardens and wanted to go for the 4th and see the fireworks, but on the 4th he said no, he said the 5th and I never listen. okayyyy, back away slowly.... On the 5th I put in a half day of work and woke him up at 1 to get in the car, and tried to wake up S15 and his friend to see if they could go too but they opted to stay home. Just S13 and I headed off too BG and I thought this was good bonding, I've been spending too much time in the details and not really being with the boys individually.

We had a nice time on the way down, listening to his music on my ipod and having discussions about parallel universes and Christianity and other random stuff. But boy oh boy we got to the park and went on one ride and in the line on the second, he says "when are we going home? I want to go home now. Wannagohomewannagohomewannagohomewannagohome. I was about to feel miserable. I put the kabosh on the whining and said we're halfway through this line, we are going on this ride and no more discussion until after it. After it I offered to go in the festhaus and cool off and wait for the sun to get lower, or go to our friends' house, but home-home was off the table until at least 10pm because I didn't drive 4.5 hours to turn around and drive back without seeing my friends. I was so disappointed that I couldn't turn this around and enjoy some more time in the park with him. When the boys were small I used to be able to reset and turn around a bad mood and we'd go on to have lots of fun. This is the same thing that happened on my trip to Philly with S15 and his friends, all of a sudden they're done and want to leave.

My IC, when I described that S15 trip to her, pointed out the age so I would realized and not take it personally. So this time I again tried not to take it personally, but it's hard. S13 pushes and pushes. In the car we put the A/C all the way to 65 and full blast, and I asked him if he was feeling better, and he said something awful like he'd feel better if I could erase his memory of the entire trip. I couldn't help starting to cry at that, but I at least tried not to let him see while I tried to get a grip. I'm the adult for heaven's sake, he's being a bratty young man and I clearly recall my own bratty days, but it is very hard to hear cr*p and have a rational conversation about it. Maybe later.

Another thing I learned is that in the moment is rarely the time to deal with it properly.

I got a grip and thought I need to take care of myself, and what I need is a glass of wine with my good friends. So that is what we did. And when I was able to line up a sleepover for S15 I informed S13 we were staying the night. I had a wonderful time catching up with my friends and playing with their dog and cat and sleeping ALL NIGHT without worries, and enjoying leisurely coffee and chitchat in the morning.

Still felt a little down so I took one of the options rather than heading right home we decided to go to Jamestown beach and do some paddleboarding. I had one completely failed (margarita fueled) attempt at paddleboarding in Cozumel and was anxious to try it again. Did very slightly better this time. S13 did pretty well! S13 also played in the water for a long time with my friends' 2nd grader, letting him make wet sandcastles on top of his head, and later said the kid is much more fun to be with than last time we visited. After the beach they played a video game together and then we headed back on the road midafternoon. It was exactly what I needed, and got me I would say 1/3 of the way back to OK.

One of S15's friends left a pot stained wrench socket on the couch in the basement. I know it's a friend because I have recently put a lock on the basement workroom. I know somebody's dad is missing quite a few sockets, and am getting a closer idea of whose because only S's very best couple of friends were in the house yesterday, he said. Anyway, I confiscated it but I chose not to say anything at all this time. I'd just like to have a return now and then with S15 that doesn't begin with "boy, you have disappointed me AGAIN." I believe he is doing better than before, and I believe we'll get through this, and every single disappointment doesn't need to be catalogued. Will just take a step back in the house privileges again.

Still feeling a little down this morning so I'm going to accomplish a few things, like the giant pile of clean laundry needing folding. Guitar meetup is coming over tonight. Will get some exercise today since that does help. Will take it easy on myself and stop expecting myself to be fine all the time. Nobody's fine all the time.

My friends are very experienced analysts and so kicking around stuff about my sitch the H pointed out that if H is only paying the mortgage in lieu of child support and spousal support, and he is still half-owner of the house, I am getting cheated. It's like he's really only paying me half of the amount since it's going toward his own equity. Good point, and possibly incentive to get out the financial stuff and try to make some decisions.

I hope y'all are having a better weekend than I am. I actually had a very good and fun weekend but need to shake off the blues.