i was, in retrospect, kinda pushy on your thread yesterday- so sorry (and no extra charge - drive thru please).
got freaked a bit about the cliff- .
(no wonder you don't think you feel & believe in love. just put that all on hold i think- do not judge yourself & your feelings or beliefs. (i'm tryin to listen to self about this) we're getting skewed readings now - while in pain-.
love of all sorts is all around- we're damaged rite now- it's no time to make a major policy decision( belief in love). no time to make ANY major decision or new policies - you need to be "normal" and our h's mlc has made us anything but that rite now. .
I was thinking about your comments In UR last thread - and i'm pretty sure it WAS you - about 17 yrs and other - owS)
you know- me too on this and honestly- the MOST distressing thing about it all is that - my h felt compelled to tell me that he and this ow had a flirtation in the office 20 or so yrs ago, but "he chose to stay with me". this one stinkng bit of Information- about something waaaaay back then - has made all the difference - good & bad to me about this whole f'ing fiasco (i.e., my life & HIS cheating rotten self).
knowing THAT has "let me off the hook" for taking ALLLLLLL the blame. (something i'm good at- inspecting self & finding my "part" and my "responsibility", etc. If he cheated back when we were new and love was exciting- he's just a selfish pig of a person and it had not one single thing to do with me changing or not being as "good" as i should be . sorry, ta da.....
- BUT - IT HAS single-handedly (probably) ruined EVERYTHING. it made me think/realize that every single time i'd been out of town for our entire life together- he's probably just screwed around.
It made me think/realize - he is not and never WAS (most probably) the man i thought he was. this is the worst bit to "swallow" and the most damning and the most likely for this all to kill any r we ever had or ever will.
i'm hanging on- BUT - I CANNOT reconcile it all - BUT I'M NOT MAKING any new broad policy decision now about it. - my brain gets seriously near exploding. i'm hoping with time it will somehow come to me - a way to look at this and be reasonable.
haven't yet - (two solid years of KNOWING)
the money thing- you don't owe anyone or self an apology for this - don't let anybody tell ya otherwise. and don't judge self either. Alllll the "they say" bs expectations & "rules" ,etc are total garbage....hype -
I began (maybe am STILL- but not sure) "standing" becasue of love - clear and simple. years and years of lookng 4 and finding the GOOD - i BELIEVED HE was a good man- a good person. a person very worthy of understanding &love. now i'm wondering and doubting every single thing i ever believed - and assumed and it is not a pleasant place to be.
I am no longer sure of who he is & was. his coldness & change to a critical and awful man for , what? can't remember - five years, etc. - him ALLOWING ME TO be all understanding, lying about ow , himself, what was going on with him - HIM ALLOWING ME TO SPIN & wonder & TRY (HARD) to figure it out - to please - to fix it .... can ya ever forgive that? i wonder...
what a p.o.s.- sorry, i cannot find any excuse for making another human being suffer like that. what sort of a "person" does that? (i'd like to believe he's suffering and it's his pain driving him- i'm not so sure bout that either)
SO ANYWAY_ this business of a big fat PAST SINS stuff falling into my face & finding it out- i think this is what makes us nuts. DON'T YOU????? how do you come to grips with that all - or me ? if it were just now, & he fell off the wagon becasue of life's traumas- well, one can almost understand. if it's been forever, right along with my fun & wonderful life with him- well, then. it makes my entire r with him - 38 yrs a total sham - doesn't it? WHAT about love????
you see my problem- i assume it's yours too.
THE MONEY- it's easy for everyone in universe to think it's "shabby". WHO EVER SAID it's "fear based " well, big whoop - i'd be pissed too - who is anyone out there to judge you or make you feel like your fear (& mine & everyones) is someting to feel badly about. "fear" is also a huge "survival instinct" it was put into our heads & hearts to preserveus.
if i feel fear or you do- yay, we're more likely to "survive" than some dope that rushes into something rash for some dumb reason - or no reason. because "they think" we should! phooey.
your survival means survival to your kids - even if it means survival to just me- well, we're all stinkin animals - our instinct is exactly (only) that- survive and procreate.
ta da -
yeah, like why would we need to eat or pay bills or have a roof over our head? i mean- really - we're supposed to walk out in outrage in a flame of glory .!!! for who? exactly... yeah rite- grow up world ..... the next day & for rest of our lives - we're the ones SUCKING UP the consequences of our actions. it behooves us to think long and hard about what we're thinking of doing (AND WHY) & the results it will bring.
my H said to ME - when first found out and we had some big "screamers" about it- me saying i'll just pack up & clear out- he said "you're life would be alot easier with me paying the bills - stay around until you have something better". WHO SAYS STUFF like that to a person they're supposed to love for the bulk of their adult life???
i read a statistic somewhere that said (approx) when a marriage breaks up- woman's income shrinks by 65% and man's increases by 45% or something like that i've forgotten exact #'s ) it was alot - -
my h is using his money to buy me off- to "make it okay" for him to be a $hit & liar and trash my heart/life and have his ow and his sparklie new 18yr-old-guy-life . guess he thinks it makes him "a nice guy".
and i know it- and i'm still here. it repulses me, to be "bought" and be a "fraud" - yet i know it won't fix my pain to immediately plunge myself into insecurity & POVERTY for a big show of bravado & my "image". (I do not have one- never have).
sorry for the ranter - it is you with the 17 yrs rite? it's awful and i'm soo sorry for you for that- me too. it is such an awful thing to find out & changes everything - doesn't it? or do i just feel like that ? maybe with time we become calmer & somehow incorporate it???? less painful? less crazy? one can hope
sorry for length- i got rantie- you have fine reasons for staying on "the path". if you just felt hate & wanted out at all cost - you'd be gone. the only reasons TO be gone- donja think?
