How fabulous that you two were flirting! I so miss that woth my own H. And that ypu got a chance to see your H temporarily back in full color. He's still in there, buried under those layers of alien! But WHY do you think his next step will be to invite OW to move in? Is that what ypur daughter thinks too?
Linda, I believe my h won't be able to move forward in his journey until he takes that step. He is obsessed with her (from the bits of conv. that I heard when he still lived here), even telling her that he's not addicted to her and that it's not because she lives elsewhere that he loves her and "can't live without her". It's been my experience that MLCers will tell you what they're NOT but it's exactly what they ARE! So he's addicted to her (physically IMHO) and until that itch is scratched and the shine wears off, he's going to forever wonder what could have been had he just taken that step. That step being living with her, acting as if they were H and W or bf and gf. Silly for a 60+ yo man and a 40+ yo woman to be bf/gf, isn't it?
Even though I don't believe much of what he says I do believe him when he says that he HAS to do this. Not just with regard to the ow but other things as well. Like moving out, having his space, going back to work and anything else that gives him the freedom to continue on his journey alone. I say alone because even if/when the ow comes to live with him, he will still be alone in his journey just temporarily distracted by a feel good symptom of the process.
He invited me to dinner yesterday and I'm still trying to make sense of it. Oh, wait, I can't make sense of it. I'm dealing with someone who is making no sense right now! LOL It was almost like a date in some ways. He met me at the car, gave me a kiss and asked if he could help me carry anything into the house. I gave him the wine that I brought at his request and followed him in. We ate outside on the deck, drank wine and talked about kids, painting the house, powerwashing the deck etc. I only stayed about an hour and a half and told him I had to get back home. He thanked me for coming over and asked me if I had fun. Not sure what that meant but I told him it was very nice and thanked him. He walked me back to the car and kissed me goodbye, told me to drive safely and watched me drive away. I haven't heard from him today but he did park his truck at MY house again today. I'm not sure where he's at in this process and I don't really pay that much attention to the stages but I'd say that he is isn't totally without logic or sense. Right now he seems to be testing how he feels comfortable relating to me. I don't know what makes me say that but I see him carefully watching me. He seems deep in thought at times with obvious pauses in our last 2 conversations as if she's trying to process what I'm saying and how he is going to respond. Very odd for him to behave that way.
We had a bit of a wind storm last night so I spent the better part of the morning and early this afternoon blowing needles and leaves off of the patio and then in the garden getting my hands dirty. It's so theraputic and satisfying.
Snodderly, I love those little hummingbirds. We have Anna's and Rufous. Because of the climate where I live the Anna's hang out here almost all year round so I'm entertained even during the fall and winter. They hide somewhere for several weeks during the winter but then come back just before spring. My daughter (that lives nearby) has been asking for plants to put on her little patio at her apartment. This is something new for her. She has always been more inwardly focused so this is a very good sign. She's also made friends since moving here and has a social life. Kids with disabilities have such a hard time making and keeping friends so this is a major milestone for her.
I think I'll take a drive so that I'm not here when he comes to get his truck.
Me:57H:62 M:34T:35 2S,2D (grown nlah) BD:09/2012 visits M ow EA/PA?:10/2012 H moves out 06/2013
"Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace." -Dalai Lama
NLT, The words "he has to do this" reminded of my xh saying the same thing. In fact he said "I have to do this right now. I may be making the biggest mistake of my life, but I've got to do it." Many of them say this and it really does sound like the death bell is tolling in their minds, i.e., time is running out. It is very sad.
You sound like you've got a very good handle on your situation and your dinner went well. When he parks at your place, does he work near by?
I'm sorry to hear you had some clean up today, but I'm sure your place is beautiful. I'm sure you enjoy those sweet little hummingbirds. It's always fascinating to watch them. We have Ruby-Throated, Broad Tailed and a few of the Rufous Hummingbirds that flit around. I've planted a lot of flowers this year w/the colors of red, orange and yellow. They really go for the red ones.
I'm glad to read that your daughter wants to have some plants on her patio. She may enjoy taking care of them and watching them grow and yes, have a few little visitors too. She's going to do well in her new environment and she will make a lot of friends that will be true friends to her.
Enjoy the drive.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Snodderly, It's good to hear that my h is following the script. I agree, he is living like there is no tomorrow right now. Last year around Thanksgiving he told me that I was going to be a rich lady one day. It actually scared me as he had just been to the Dr. about 5 months previous to saying that. I asked him why he was saying that and asked if he was sick and wasn't telling me. He said no, I can see the future and that's all that I'll say. I wasn't sure if I believed him (that he was telling me everything) but then my attention turned to his trip to see the ow. That frightened me as much as the thought of him having some terminal disease that he wasn't telling me about. I told him that I didn't want to be a rich lady and that I that was important to me didn't involve money. Now I realize that he was already "hooked" on her and he was trying to warn me. They say and think the craziest things! So my h thinks he's a soothsayer. LOL! It's was his wishful thinking talking.
When he stopped by and I wasn't here he called me to tell me that he was sorry to have missed me this afternoon. He said that last night was fun and that I looked very nice. I think he's just trying to build up my ego for whatever reason. I don't think I'll call him back till tomorrow if at all.
He doesn't live near a bus line and would have to park in a park and ride about a mile from his house. He could do that but for a reason that I don't understand he drives here, walks a block to the bus that takes him to the boat that goes to the downtown area where he works. Sounds more complicated than just using the park and ride near his house, doesn't it? Do you think it gives him comfort in some distorted way to keep his commuting routine the same? LOL I thought about parking my car around the corner and down the street overnight a few times to see if he looks into the garage window for my car each morning. He doesn't want me but he doesn't want me to stray too far. I also think he's trying to stay connected in his own way.
For the most part, I think I'm doing okay with all of this. I keep reading the stories that others have told and the advice from the wise ones, like yourself and hope that I'll be one of the lucky ones whose h finds their way back home. It seems like the chances of that aren't the greatest but it's worth the time, energy and patience to wait. He isn't a perfect man but neither am I a perfect woman. We were still very much in love prior to his MLC, always made sure that we kept the lines of communication open, made trips to some wonderful countries around the world, met some very interesting people along the way and had the utmost respect for our differences. Yep, there were arguments and heated discussions ocassionally. Rarely did we go to bed mad at each other.
DAMN THE MLC! I'm here for the long haul, it's worth every tear, every frustration and even the chaos he's created in my life. No matter what happens I will be just fine. There may be an empty place in my heart at some point but it will always be full of love and appreciation for the gifts that God has given me.
Me:57H:62 M:34T:35 2S,2D (grown nlah) BD:09/2012 visits M ow EA/PA?:10/2012 H moves out 06/2013
"Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace." -Dalai Lama
NLT, You have a good attitude about your situation. Yes, mlc is a long haul, but if you can reconcile at some point, it will be worth every tear, frustration and chaos that has come about from h is crisis. I know a few who have reconciled and they have told me that they are happier now than they were before because they both have changed for the better. Now, that's something to look forward to.
Yes, your h is speaking the mlc lingo. They have this fear of dying and sometimes it's because they see their friends, co-workers and parents passing away and/or aging right before their eyes (us too), and they don't want to get old and have health issues that go along w/gettng older. So, they deny it and run like heck to the hills, but they don't stop to realize that no matter what they do, they are still aging and their bodies can't continue to go 24/7 like they may have when they were in their teens and/or early 20's. But, it will catch up w/them at some point.
I'm glad he phoned to tell you he had enjoyed the evening. At least he recognized you for looking nice. There's no need to call him back unless you want to.
As for the parking situation, I think it's an old habit and also it's his way of keeping one foot at his "old" home and one at the other. It's a way to observe what is going on at your home and not wanting to cut all ties. They have to have a life line to the old life during mlc. It's strange, but they need that one little string from the past to keep in their pocket, very similiar to Alice in Wonderland, if you ask me.
NLT, don't doubt yourself. You are on the right track. Continue as you have been doing. He feels comfortable around you and that's important.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
You are such a good woman NLT! It must be so hard for you to see him dipping in and out of his MLC craziness, I don't think we can expect any of it to make sense. Just enjoy the good times, like being taken out to dinner as if it was a date LOL! And having him tell you how nice you look and that he had fun.
I'm sorry he is so fixated on his OW. But hopefully he will get it out of his system. You're right in what you say: "until that itch is scratched and the shine wears off, he's going to forever wonder what could have been had he just taken that step. That step being living with her, acting as if they were H and W or bf and gf. Silly for a 60+ yo man and a 40+ yo woman to be bf/gf, isn't it?" The A will eventually die a natural death. But if you try to prevent him from doing what he feels compelled to do, he will probably always blame you when he wonders what might have happened.
My H wanted to fly to Russia to meet his first EA, back in April 2011, and I told him he makes his own decisions, but if he went he could not live in our home any longer. He did not go, but now picked up with this new Russian Tramp, and plans to go visit her in Moscow in September. I know I could give him the same ultimatum again, but my DB coach advised me not to. He said that MLCer's OW are crazy needy people themselves, and the relationship has no true substance and cannot be sustained. So let him go, do what he needs to do. He will do it anyway. The affair will eventually die. And maybe if I'd been DBing back then, this MLC would have been over. I'll never know.
I laughed when I read what you wrote about how silly it is to for a 60 year old man and 40 year old woman to be boyfriend and girlfriend. I just made the same comment on my thread a few days ago. I had remembered a text message the Russian Tramp wrote to my H, threatening to find another boyfriend, and thought how ridiculous it was for a 58 year old woman to call my 59 year old H her BOYFRIEND! This just makes my DB coach's point -- these OW as crazy as our Hs!
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
I had a busy weekend with family. Of course h was MIA for the most part. He stopped in for a few minutes on Friday and was really distracted and down in the dumps. He talked about leaving the job he started just 2 months ago. I suspect he is still having issues with the people he works with and that they are getting as fed up with his behavior as I was before he moved. He said he had just come from an interview at a non-profit organization. I told him that I thought it was great that he was thinking of doing non profit work. Internally I was thinking, MLC confusion, looking for something to make himself feel better.
He also told me that the (gold digging) ow is going to be moving here. She will be here Wednesday. I'm trying to see the positive in that but it's very, very difficult. He acts like it's just the next step in his journey and not a big deal. I didn't react when he told me, at least not outwardly, but inside I was a wreck. After he left, I sat down and made a list of the positives.
1. She will be in his face 24/7 chatting away. (He likes peace, quiet and no drama other than the drama that he creates himself.)
2. She will show her true colors, eventually.
3. He will show his true colors, immediately because of where his mind is.
4. She will be telling him what to do and when to do it. That doesn't work with him and never will.
5. She will be dependent on him for everything. Eventually he won't put up with that. He is still pretty frugal and thrifty with money unless he's spending it on himself.
6. The home that he lives in will not "do" for her. She is use to 5,000+ sq. ft. homes with "lavish" furnishings. He has nice but not lavish furniture and a bed that has seen better days comfort wise.
7. City girl with a need to paint the town and dance the night away. He prefers slower paced when he's not working to balance his high pressure job.
That's just the beginning. Think of those habits that our spouses have. Think of the habits that the ow/om have. Yikes, at his age, he's not changing anything major anytime soon. I suspect they are both in for a rude awakening.
Other than that, I've been busy with my usual activities and will be starting an online course through a local community college next month. I'm looking forward to it. It will force me to stretch my mind a bit which is what I am hoping for. I also thought about taking some ballroom dance classes. I love to dance but without a partner now I miss it. I haven't found one that works with my schedule but I'm determined to find one.
I'll check in again when I get a few minutes. Off and running again now.
Me:57H:62 M:34T:35 2S,2D (grown nlah) BD:09/2012 visits M ow EA/PA?:10/2012 H moves out 06/2013
"Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace." -Dalai Lama
The ow was suppose to be here today but h had to make a last minute business trip. He left yesterday and isn't returning till tomorrow evening. Wonder if the ow had to change her plans or if she'll spend the night at the airport waiting for his flight to land. LOL I guess his job is still more important than the ow.
I've settled myself down a bit over the ow coming to live here. I do worry about what will happen when my daughter sees them together in town. He agreed with me that it wouldn't be a good thing for her to see. Even though she is disabled, she doesn't miss a thing. I have purposely not let her come to the house since he moved out. She will put the missing bed, the new use for that bedroom and the gaps in the closet together and figure it out. If she does, it won't be a good thing. She doesn't accept change very easily and if she sees him too often with someone that she doesn't recognize that might just put her over the edge. I don't know how he is going to handle it if she approaches him and the ow. Why do these mlcers do this in their own backyard? He's said in the past that he doesn't care who knows or who sees them together yet he tells our older daughter not to tell anyone. I feel sorry for the first neighbor, friend or business owner that confronts him. Unless he changes his behavior he'll be run out of town or lose many of the friends that we've made since moving here. That is one of my biggest fears. I don't want to have to explain anything to anyone nor do I want friends to give me their advice or opinion on what I should do. What a mess he has created.
He texted a few hours ago telling me that his meetings went well. He didn't say whether he was staying longer than he originally planned and not a word about the ow. I haven't answered him yet and probably won't.
With the ow coming I need to do something but I'm not sure how far I need to go yet. Right now I want to be totally unavailable to him for anything other than emergencies. Am I do it out of anger or because I don't think I can handle talking to him. I'll sleep on it and see how I feel tomorrow.
Me:57H:62 M:34T:35 2S,2D (grown nlah) BD:09/2012 visits M ow EA/PA?:10/2012 H moves out 06/2013
"Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace." -Dalai Lama
A lot has happened since the last time I posted here. I didn't realize that it had been so long until I tried to find my thread.
I had no expectations that my h would remember my birthday (which was a little over a week after his) but to have him not even have a clue when he saw me opening up a card and a gift from one of my sons and STILL not remember was pretty telling. He thought it was a late Mother's Day card and gift. I said nothing and changed the subject. I think he realized it after he left and called to ask me if I'd like to go to dinner. I thanked him for the offer and told him that I'd take a rain check. It was okay. I re-read the cards he gave me from the past few years and realized how far he's deteriorated over the past few years. In 2011 it was:
"Darling, I want to thank you for allowing me to be vulnerable, accept myself as I am today without the need for complete perfection."
"YOU have allowed me the freedom to learn and explore without grandiose expectations."
"YOU allow my life to flow broadly, easily across my life and experience...
"YOU made me realize that I can allow my life to rest in the sun of self-acceptance...."
"I want you to know that I love you more than ever and that you are always with me...."
and on and on. The only thing that I noticed on this was that he signed it with his full formal name, as if he was redefining himself. He has a name that can be shortened and prior to that signature he always used the shortened version. He had finished reading the Artist's Way by this time and was beginning to look deep within himself.
2012 was similar but a little less introspective. It included loving words, affection but the line, "I strive to tell you how much I love you and appreciate being with you. I hope you know and understand this...." and then comments about looking forward to our dinner later in the day. So what happened between June 2012 and June 2013? A slow and certain change, the beginning of his journey/transition. I wonder where he'll be next year at this time and then 2 years from now. Time is my ally. I know he is still in there somewhere screaming at himself to get himself back on track. He knows he's doing the wrong thing but doesn't want to listen to what he calls his "old soul" or the "wise soul". He said this to me sometime after he started his EA/PA with ow!
On to the dirty details now! LOL The ow delayed her arrival by a week and arrived last Wednesday. Oh, and she brought a girl friend with her. H came by on the 4th and again on the 5th to pick up his car. He told me that the he needed to get away. Guess he wasn't expecting to have to entertain ow's friend. He complained about her (ow's friend) non stop, self-centered chatter. The friend was suppose to leave on Sunday but he didn't say that the ow was leaving. Haven't heard from him for a few days now so I'm sure that ow is still here. It has allowed me to let go and relax a little more. I'm feeling pretty calm most of the time. I have my moments but when I do, it's usually late at night when I'm tired. With time, this will pass I'm sure.
I took my daughter out to lunch on the 4th. I texted h to let him know that I was doing so and where we would be (so that he didn't show up at the same Restaurant with the ow). I didn't mention that in the text but I'm hoping that he picked up on the reason that I texted him. I feel nervous when I go into town knowing that it's just a matter of time before I run into them or her at the grocery store or on the street. I don't know for sure whether she bought herself a one way ticket or if she's just visiting. I guess I'll know if he starts coming around, calling and texting again. HA!
I need to get some advice on something that I have been considering. The ow's h is having a very very difficult time with all of this. He's written me a few emails and I answer with sympathy and bits of (DBing) advice but haven't told him about this site. I want to help him in some way but don't think that it's a good idea to get too involved for obvious reasons. Do you think I should suggest some of the books that are recommended here on the DBing site? I don't want to recommend DR because he will find this site. Should I let it go or offer assistance?
Me:57H:62 M:34T:35 2S,2D (grown nlah) BD:09/2012 visits M ow EA/PA?:10/2012 H moves out 06/2013
"Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace." -Dalai Lama
