Me 8 months on, dark and trying to detach.

[Fartiltre]

Hi HWA

I like your posting much better now you seem to be determined to do something about this – now, do it!
This is about you, working on you and you can do it!

There is only one person defining whether you are the black sheep or cow – and that's you!

The sister always did everything right, not us.

Same with my brother! I didn’t get it for 20 years. I do today and I don’t envy him anymore!

Man I hate knowing that is how I came across.

Then change it for the future! It good that you realize this!

I will continue to try, but I do know going back to the city and the end of the year will make a big difference to all of this. I feel good about that.

Work with what you’ve got – sounds good!

I need to stop and have stopped, commenting to them about how I feel with the separation. I need to stop and have stopped, asking them questions like: will you move back home? do you think I am doing the right thing? what did I do wrong?

Yes! You are the father and will always be! You are the one with the answers – not the questions! They should be the ones asking you these questions! You will have to turn this around! Your sons are still children! They need you to be the rock! The need a father!
Read up on this and 180!

I found out later via the friend that my son was really upset about not going looking at cars and accessories. How was I to know? He didn't reply, didn't say anything

Could have been me that age! Properly could have been a lot of sons!
They won’t tell you but if you follow their lives you will get this in time! You will be able to feel it and with growing relationship at some point they will start telling you!
It will demand patience and time but you know all about this!

It is so hard to get that self-esteem back when you have been kicked all around the place and back again, and then it continues again. But it does need to be done.

Precisely! Do it!

You are lucky Fartiltre, because it does feel that everyone I cared about and for, has gone or doesn't want to put effort into the relationship. I have to start with my boys, to get them to a better place with our relationship.

Funny, I don’t feel lucky at the moment! I am though – I can see!
You feel alone right now! This is a feeling and something you can change! People will put in effort in relationship they want’s. Right now your W doesn’t want you but your sons do or they will! Even in a period of several years where I didn’t talk to my father he was constantly on my mind! He didn’t reach out and neither did I! As I see it today the responsibility to do this was his! He was the father! He should have been the rock! He should have loved me without conditions. He should have supported me! He didn’t and our relationship was so bad!
If you have issues with your sons then do forgive them as in real forgiveness. Let it go and do not bring it to the table again. These are your babies! Care for them with love and understanding, and you will get it back 10 times.
My grandfather was a very distant and cold person for his entire life! That’s until his W died then he opened up. He and I hadn’t talked for so many years and then he started reaching out. It took time but we ended up with a good relationship. It can be done!



HWA; I really like how you sounds now! You focus on you and you can do this!
Still remember that this will take time and demand patience but start moving and at some point you will get there!

Whaat!! but typical. Don't take it too hard. I think it’s pretty normal. Most of our young people believe they have had it tough. They only realize their parents aren’t so bad when they have kids of their own. I was the same.

I agree on this one – I was the same! This is a part of growing up but it will change – if it is not the truth! So see to that when children turn 30 and looks back they do see something good!
Be the father nobody wants to live without!

Again all I can now do, is learn by my mistakes (plenty there) and be a better person and father.

This is so good! Spot on! Bullseye!
DO IT!

I do feel there is very little hope for the M now, who knows many years down the track. Therefore I will be speaking with the DB coach on ways to move on a lot better. I honestly don't think anything I do anymore will make an ounce of difference to her.

I feel the same way in my sit! Seems like she is gone! But there’s still a lot of hope for me as a person and as a father – same goes for you!

I honestly don't think anything I do anymore will make an ounce of difference to her.

Well, properly not today but perhaps tomorrow! The fog will go away at some point and as I see it your Ws fog is a little different so when it lifts things could happen! Focus on you!



Ohh, by the way…you are right! We wouldn’t stop at one! The sheep and the cow drinking fosters in the Australian sunset….some picture…makes me smile! I will keep this picture in my mind!

Enjoy the day!
Cheers

F