Gm , just my 2c but spewers are very hard to deal with as they have so much hurt inside them (I think). They take a long time to move through their crisis. It is different (not harder or less difficult) from those that stay close, and want to be friends with their spouses while having an affair. Some MLCers do this, and others run hard and fast, and trash us.
I too feel that I missed some chances, but the reality is I probably didn't, because I am looking at a different 'set' of MLCers. They have to get rid of their anger, and gradually the focus of it stops being us (such a relief when it happens) A true, personality changing MLC usually takes a very long time to work through, even if they don't get stuck, and I think you have handled a mean man very well.
I firmly believe that this type of MLCer actually wants to hurt us, as opposed to the 'casual' hurt that the stay at home, 'let's be best buds but I love someone else' type.
I too felt like a huge failure after my divorce, and still do occasionally if I am honest, and then I look at it from the outside. If someone else's h had an affair with a trashy woman (or several affairs) and there was a divorce, who would you describe as the flawed person?
Most people are sorry it happened and critical of my xh. They do not pity me in the sense I feared they might. i so did not want to be an object of pity!! But if anyone offers help, take it, and accept all invitations, just as if you were a widow. If you have a good friend close by call them up and spend time with them post divorce. i went out to lunch and had champagne. Didn't want to , but my friend insisted, and she was right. It wasn't a celebration but an affirmation that life goes on.
