Stuck between a rock and a hard place!

[dorightman]

"The issue of me moving back never came up."

Yes it did. SHE had brought it up before.

Yes, I meant in T. I was attacked for 50 minutes in T and was on the defensive the whole time. T said he would only talk about D and why I wasn't giving it to W.

"W was angry the day I came back,"

Of course she would be. And I bet you never discussed the plan I recommended to you about how she could feel safe by using the safe word. You never let her feel SAFE! I don't know how many times I need to say that before it sinks in for you.

I never did, but she did say she noticed that I softened. I will have this discussion with her. To have a SAFE word we can use in arguments that ends it immediately right?


"We both started talking, not sure who started first. It was a pretty calm talk, but it still hurt a lot."

You should have avoided this altogeher. AND the talk would not have happened if you allowed her to feel safe around you.

I'm not sure I agree or maybe I misunderstand you here Bond. I think whether she feels safe or not, she still is sure she wants a D. What does feeling safe around me have to do with whether she wants a D or not. Her story is about how bad I treated her in the past and how she gave up on the marriage at some point because of how unhappy she was in the M. By then it was too late, and thats how she feels. It's the typical story of the man not realizing how bad things are until it's too late.

"It just feels the same no matter what I do or did for the past year.
Yes I made alot of mistakes in the beginning, but for the past 6 months I've acted much better, less emotional."

That's fine, but you haven't learned how to progess beyond that.

I have been doing my best to be the best father/husband I can be. She blocks any
love or act of love and she expects me to be a great father not for her, but for our kids. There is no possibility for any touch, hugs are cold, no kisses, just co-parenting. She accepts my cooking dinner for her and the kids, but thats it! She excludes me from any plans she makes w family or friends.
What can/should I do to progress beyond this?

"She's not scared to talk anymore, but feels like it's a dead end because we both want different things. She wants D, I want to reconcile. This has been the problem from the start last August."

It always is the problem, BUT you could have changed all this.

I'm sorry Bond, I feel like an idiot here! What am i missing? How could I have changed all this?

"You cannot work on a relationship with someone who refuses to. I really feel like there's nothing else I can do."

Geez I don't know how many times you need to go through this. It's not sinking in with you. You're STILL doing what you want and not respecting her wishes or understanding her needs. THAT's why things haven't changed.


Her wishes and needs are to sell the house, get D, and co-parent the kids. I understand her needs, but you're right, I haven't respected her wishes. Is there anyway to respect her wishes without selling the house and getting a D?