Moving forward together from a mess

[adinva]

That's good, CBT, so you ARE working on it! I am glad to hear you taking it seriously, because careless words really do damage.

[uRworthy]

Hey C, stopping by to see how you are doing.

So, I'm going to whisper a little.....you ready?

Let go of whatever you have in your head of what happened between her and OM. It doesnt serve you or the situation well.
No matter what you read, no matter how you think it was, I promise you it was not anything like what you have pictured.

And it doesnt matter if it was. She was feeding off the endorphins of an affair. But it meant nothing because it wasnt real. He was cheating on her. She was confused and a mess. Not the stuff of a lasting, loving relationship.

I know you are getting impatient regarding ML with your wife.

You need to dig in some more, sweetie. She's got a lot of stuff she needs to process. And it is true, women think differently than men in this way.

You want her to come to you when she is healthy and whole. She needs to really feel your changes are real. She needs to see that she can have a life with you that doesnt make her have to give up her dreams. She needs to be sure that you two are going to work longterm.

Neither of you are ready yet for the next step. You both are working your way through this. You trying to regain trust, her trying to figure out her life and what she wants.

So, dont let the physical part get in the way of the work you still need to do.

It will happen when it is supposed to happen. And it will be worth the wait.

Ok, whispering is over. I'm just gonna be right over here sitting on your shoulder. So that the next time you want to text something like that, I can flick your ear.

[cbtdad]

Thanks Urworthy!
I have gotten a lot better lately about being patient on ML.
I do want her to get it out of her system. I want her to get a lot out.
We just spent about 4 days together at my families camp over the 4th holiday.
When we got back I watched son so she could go ride. As soon as she got back I was ready to get out of there and get away.
Over the past few days I am starting to have real doubts about us. I am starting to see the reason I was so unhappy last year and started going out all the time. Those feelings are returning. There is just no conversation on her part. Always on her phone. Doesn't socialize with any family members. It's awkward. Even though this is new working on things it's reminding of all the past behavior.
We are scheduled to go to atlanta to visit this Thursday and look at apartments, schools, etc so we can formalize a plan and time for possibly moving.
Which she wants to do by August 1st. That is still crazy to me considering we still haven't even stayed in the same bed yet.
She shows now attention or affection towards me, yet she says all the right things and talks about the future. I just feel nothing from her and I in return am starting to feel nothing towards her. I want to feel wanted. Is that too much to ask?
I am becoming extremely worried about whether this is the right choice for me.
I'm not sure she is capable of changing. And the person she has been over the last year and half is not someone I want to be married to. Maybe this is who she is now. This is so confusing on what to do. I do way my family together, but at what cost to my happiness. We talked a lot more when we weren't working on things and I felt we did more for our son apart than together.
Maybe it's best to diorce and be friends and coparents before it gets bad.
I am lost!

[makingmagic]

patience patience patience, my friend.

Give it some more time.

[stilllookingup]

She shows now attention or affection towards me, yet she says all the right things and talks about the future.

Is this typo? Do you mean she shows NO attention or affection or is she starting to show?

Did you tell your MC about your fear to make it work and these feelings?

[cbtdad]

She shows no affection towards me. That is correct.
I have brought this up in MC.
MC knows my fears and why I am always looking fr assurance.
MC contributes it to bad timing on us working on things as well.
Says W is still getting over OM and my heart is completely in where as W wants to be there, but she isn't yet. It's very tough to wait for this
I just keep trying to remind myself that I had a huge part in getting us here

[stilllookingup]

I just keep trying to remind myself that I had a huge part in getting us here

I see. Well you've said it in the last sentence. You just have to keep remind yourself that you did. That part is the same for us who are not piercing. I'm only human so I often find myself scoffing at why I'm even doing this. But then I quickly remembered what I contributed to where we are now.

Does MC know about moving? What does she/he say about that?

It must be tough but all I can say is be patient, give her more time.

[cbtdad]

MC does know about moving and says it can be a very good thing.
She understands the reasons for us wanting to move and be away from crazy family drama on both side of our families. These things take a lot out of us and we need to focus on us and our family.
MC says building a new beginning together as a team is a very healthy thing as long as we continue counseling and working on each other individually.
Her mentor is in Atlanta and can refer us to her

[stilllookingup]

Good! I know you feel it's crazy for you guys to move when your W is not showing any affection or sleepin in the same bed BUT the move in her mind might be the new starting line to your new R so she'll finally feel relaxed an be more open to you.

I remember my H used to tell me how he hates the idea of new year resolutions. He thinks if anyone wants to do something they can start it today and not wait until new year's. I used to strongly disagree with that. Sometimes it's just really hard to start fresh when you are in a mess whether its a horrible diet or sleeping in until 10 min before work. Idk if its a girl thing but I hear that from girl fiends all the time: "Ill start my diet after xxxx" "ill start xx from next week" I know it's an excuse and you are losing time while waiting but sometimes you need some time to sort out the mess and start fresh you know?

[cbtdad]

W and I had a great session with MC this morning. MC helped me realize that I need to accept W for who she is right now. And that it would take a huge weight off of my shoulders. It already has.
She explained how people are constantly changing in marriages. That one spouse might be growing faster than the other, one might be in better shape at one time, one might be more spiritual at the time, etc
But as long as that married couple realized that divorce is not an option and they have the same goals that they will have a great marriage. It takes constant understanding and effort towards each other.
She felt like where we are as couple from what she saw over a month ago was extremely positive. And that she likes move to atlanta. She said we should be nervous, but geography doesn't matter as long as we are a team and working towards the same things.
W broke down when she told MC that I had said I wasn't sure if this is what I wanted a couple weeks ago. W told her that it scared her and hurt her. It was tough to watch her being hurt by my words so much.
I know what I want. I said those things to put up my guard.
Because obviously I still have a lot of tust issues.
I need to continue to watch my words and my tone. It's not a pretty side of me.