own a buz - pt 12 ... taking him off the pedestal

[job]

Magic,
From your postings about work and how you and your SO have been communicating, I think he's just tired of justifying and having heated discussions w/you. He's going to run the business the way he wants and he doesn't want your opinion or or the opinion of others. Bottom line, he's looking at it in a different way, i.e., his name is the only one on the paperwork, therefore, what he says goes.

Right now, I sense that communications are tense and you and him are like oil and water...can't mix. I think that the hurt and anger you are feeling is being exhibited in your conversations and detaching isn't in full swing. It's difficult working w/him and I get that, but you've got to be better prepared when discussing inventory. Start printing off documentation and when you have discussions with him, show him the figures or whatever. Just talking about it sounds like you want attention and then it escalates into a heated discussion hence, the attitude comes out to play.

Sorry, but I'm not going to sit here and go posting by posting pointing out where your attitude comes out a bit. You are constantly wanting us to show you what you are doing wrong. It's time now for you to start reviewing your postings and making notes as to where we have pointed out things to you that could use improvement. This is how you learn. You won't learn if you don't do some of the basics on your own. You can tell a student over and over again the answers, but until the teachers step away, the students will not try to learn, or actually try something on their own. Sure you make mistakes, but that's how you learn. When the student is finally ready to do the actual work and not rely on the teacher for everything, the teacher will appear.

The advice has been the same since the day you came here. Aren't you getting tired of hearing it over and over again? Put your big girl panties on and start thinking outside the box and do some of the hard work that you've been advised to do and please...no more excuses...it's time to get your life back on track and start living it to the fullest. Life is far too short to let this man scare you or make you feel little. Take back your life and live it.

[makingmagic]

Snodderly... I agree, we are probably both tired of justifying our positions. But, the reality is... WE ARE PARTNERS! At this time, he will agree to that. But, he does sit in the best seat, doesn't he? I guess the only way to stand up to a bully is to call his bluff.

Our convos other than this debate I believe are fine, I think. We are able to get the jobs done without hitch. Lately he has been appreciating me and polite. EVen calling back to say sorry, as he felt he hung up without saying goodbye.

I really wish I could understand where my attitude has come out in these messages. I do understand how Bond feels that I come across to him as debating. But, in all honesty its because the facts are not always present/repeated in my comments. I am not intending to come across as defensive, but sometimes he gets his facts mixed up, so I feel the need to clarify. Maybe this is part of a pit-bull attitude. Dunno. But, if I don't clarify my point, isn't the advice given not accurate then?

My real problem is that I have a difficult time explaining my point. I try many different angles to feel that I have been understood. I feel misunderstood. If I ever get my point across, the other person is tired of hearing me and feels they know what I wanted to say. They are usually wrong. They are frustrated and make their own judgement.

As for getting advice on this forum. I take it... I do. I feel I have taken and done all advice given on here, with the exception of the lawyer. Which, I will do. I am DB'ing to the best I can. Always room for improvement(pocket dial sitch), I have detached ALOT (but still room for more), I am GAL, I have been dropping the rope, I am dim and give as much space as possible. I do not pursue or give ILU's to the h.

Yesterday, I purchased 4 books on Amazon that I have already read. No more "borrowing" from the library. I need these: The Solo Partner, Co-Dependent No more, The Divorce Remedy, and Getting Back Together: how to reconcile with your partner. I figure I need to keep re-reading and re-reading them. They have provided me with ALOT of information. Especially Co-D and The Solo Partner.

I appreciate and welcome all comments and advice. As Wonka said yesterday, I am coming along. I really feel this. I am stronger. Much stronger than the girl who believed lip service each time she R talked with h. Won't make that mistake EVER again!

[job]

Magic,
I can see where you could come across as debating or getting defensive when you have conversations w/him and others. Why not try a different tactic? When you need clarification on something repeat what he's said back to him and ask him if you have understood him correctly? Sometimes, when the speaker hears the sentence repeated back to them, they come to realize they didn't speak clearly enough.

Your SO could very well feel like you are trying to debate things w/him when you actually aren't. Do you have problems getting your point across w/your parents, friends, daughter or customers? Or is it just w/him? Are you nervous around him and get defensive when he responds back to your questions?

Let me ask this question, how does your h react around women customers? Does he act differently, i.e., more patient, a good listener, explains things correctly?

No more deliberate pocket calling. Leave the situation in God's hands. Games can't be played when you are dealing with emotions and more, importantly, when you have to work w/him.

Yes, you are coming along, but you will get stronger as you continue to move forward. Learn to listen more intently to what he's saying and repeat it back to him for clarification. That will alleviate the attitude he may be sensing, as well as looking like you are debating w/him. The more you try to get your point across, the more defensive you may appear to him. Eventually, he tunes you out. Am I right about that?

You may want to get a book on communication skills that will help you not only in the workplace, but also with all walks of life. Here's an excellent book that I highly recommend that you read because it is well worth the time and energy to do so: "In Sheep's Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People" by George K Simon, PhD. Excellent reading material!

[~ kd ~]

Snodderly... I agree, we are probably both tired of justifying our positions. But, the reality is... WE ARE PARTNERS! At this time, he will agree to that. But, he does sit in the best seat, doesn't he? I guess the only way to stand up to a bully is to call his bluff.

I completely understand that both of you would verbally agree AT THIS TIME that the two of you are partners. In an informal setting, that still is not correct. Because as you indicate, he's sitting in the best seat, if the driver's seat is... the best seat...

Again, that is purely verbal, right now, and strictly intellectually. NOT functionally... and NOT legally.

Asserting yourself more could change his position which is why it is so important to either get it in writing, with prior advice from a L (which I know you will get as you've said repeatedly you will get, in advance of any convo with him on said).

or...

accept what is, that you are an employee and creditor, take your wage and loan back, and walk away.

Only just repeating strictly for clarity.

[MrBond]

"I guess the only way to stand up to a bully is to call his bluff."

You really do have this bullying thing stuck in your head the same way his coffee comment did. Point is that everyone who has posted to you is correct. You aren't listening. You've made some stride, but you continue to take any communication from him as being some way to destroy you.

You feel intimidated by him because YOU make yourself intimidated by him. He stated his position and you did yours. Just the way the two of you are communicating aren't correct. But in NO circumstance has myself or others seen him "bullying" you. Take a read at some of the abusive relationships in other people's situations. Then you'll see what bullying is. Power of Now's W is a definite bully.

When everyone else says that you might not be correct and you are the only one arguing that you are...maybe the numbers have it.

[makingmagic]

TX Bond & KD... maybe its not bullying (however, when I explain it to my friends, thats what they called it). I am 0pen to whatever it is! I don't need to label it, but need to know how to handle it. I feel pressure coming from him when it comes to purchasing more inventory that is unnecessary.

As for PON's wife and her bullying. I relate to it, as I see my h doing the same things. I just don't post everything.

OH KD... I totally see my position! UGH

Today's pursuit of purchases were left in my hand. He stated what we should bid roughly and then said he was in a hurry and left it to me. I replied that I would bid what I felt and for him to accept my bids then, since he wasn't giving much time to discuss our bids. I sure hope we don't end up with all of them!

Sorry if I have offended anyone.

[kml]

ml ~ over the years we have not taken much salary. We have divided the salary, but kept most of it in the business. Thus allowing us to have a massive inventory. ATM, the profits are shown in the bank account (highest its ever been), as well as sitting in inventory. Since I do the books, I can look at P&L statements, but don't know what I am reading. I never claimed to be a book keeper. I just do data entry as needed and trust our accountant.

Sooo....what have you been living off of if you have not taken much salary? And if you have not taken much salary, it doesn't sound like this business is very profitable. A temporary surplus in the bank account may well be gone by next spring, as you said your business was seasonal.

Would you have been making more money over these years if you worked a regular job?

[makingmagic]

kml... to answer, we have not lived off much over the years. We had no need too. The house we lived in was paid for (he owns it with his mom). We are in the car industry, no need. We didn't spend much, therefore didn't take much salary in the beginning. The business is profitable. Quite profitable.

If I had worked elsewhere, yes... I would have made more annually. BUT, the goal here was to take less and purchase inventory. NOw, If we were to sell off invventory even at cost, or a SLIGHT loss, its a HUGE AMOUNT... I would not have made anywhere near as much as what I stand to make now (as a 50/50 partner).

[MrBond]

"As for PON's wife and her bullying. I relate to it, as I see my h doing the same things. I just don't post everything."

I totally disagree. I've been following PON since the beginning and his W has done everything including carrying on secret affairs while they are living together. AND his W wants all his money without having to work. I really don't see how you think your situations are similar.

Your H has even been keeping communication between the two of you and has offered to help you on a number of occasions. PON has received none of that from his W.

Nowhere near the same boat.

[makingmagic]

Weird. After a busy and irritating morning with H with work. It was fairly early in the day still and H and I decided to go back to the house and wash some of our vehicle inventory. When we got there, h offered me a coffee, I asked for ice water. He brought out his "last cookie" for his coffee and away we worked. After a few hours, h disappeared for quite a little while, then I saw a vehicle being moved in our driveway. I casually asked where he was gone, that I noticed. He said that he had gone inside to go to the washroom. I continued washing. As I was getting ready to leave he mentioned that he put some fresh macadamia & choc chip cookies in my car for me and my daughter as well as his computer.

He also mentioned that he was going to keep the pressure washer out and handy as I think he wants to do this together again, soon. I think he was suggesting that, but I interrupted him.

I really think that he went out to purchase the cookies, while I was washing the vehicles, as earlier he said he was having the last one. He buys them fresh from the farm market down the road.

I had been cleaning myself off and dangling my feet in the pool, then he said he needed to cut the grass, so I said have a nice evening/weekend. He said definately now that we are done our audit, he was going to enjoy. I had a phone call come through and left during it.... no lingering.

Sure would have been nice to have spent the evening together just relaxing and being greatful that we survived our audit, and delivered 3 vehicles today...

instead, off to a BBQ with friends.