One month down, zero casualties

[Raine]

Nero, I'm glad to hear your hole was small enough to jump over. I've always had goals and plans for myself and expectations. I've gotten places very fast in life because of that. One thing I have learned through this is an incredible amount of patience. I have zero control of him. (Actually I think I could have a lot of control, temporarily, if I wanted to make that mistake.)

He knows he is at fault. He knows he is messed up. For me to quit now would be a waste of all the time already spent, other than all the growth--but I likely would have had the same amount of growth going through a D. A D wouldn't make any of this easier. It would still hurt and I would have a lot more doubts and regrets and wondering. Now there are many more pieces to the puzzle.

It very well may be he comes out of this and still doesn't want me or to work in the marriage. It may be that I don't want him. I just know that time hasn't come yet, but I will know when it does. It's hard to even think that way right now when I was holding on in a far worse situation. There are others here in a much worse situation. Things get better every month. It the broad spectrum he is moving closer to home in everyway. I'd regret not giving it more time, when I've already given it so much. But I won't stand forever. This has a limit.

Yet I am still protecting me. Knowing keeps me detached. I don't flirt with him or have any kind of physical contact but one off hugs or something like that. There really is no boundary to enforce at this point. The only options I have is to D him or to continue holding.

If anything I want my kids to know I did everything I could, and hopefully they will put that effort into their marriage. And H will know I did everything I could. I didn't abandon him at his darkest.