One month down, zero casualties

[nero]

hey hi-

i like the test - my hole was not all that large and i jumped over it. ka bam - done and done with a running start.

maybe i feel better about allllll this than i ever thought???? i sure hope so-

[nero]

hi raine:

you say:

The plan in my mind was always I would let him come home once he had proven through long continuous action that he had changed, woken up, and wanted to work on us. Now I'm like "Uh...what happened." At what point do I ever have anything go according to plan?

i'm sayin i feel better about the fact that i never have any plan and everyone around me preach like mad- demand- push-urge- all the "plan be" - have a plan, blah blah blah

what can any of us do but take it one little step at a time and react (wisely we hope) to each new little step our mlcr takes?

so- i'm curious how you have a timeline for yourself- how could you ever come up with a timeline for something soooooo beyond your ken & control?

I don't know if I will ever be enough for him. And I don't want him on any other terms.

i wonder the same- the bulk of my adult life with him- soooo sure - and , what??? i got nothin here - hence my one day at a time- i couldn't cook up a plan or timeline if my life depended on it. - float along and do not wear self out fighting the current (or you may sink & go under from exhaustion). breath, float & hope something presents itself to grab onto - (the flea market person? who said the universe will send me (whatever) just be open to it when it presents itself???!!! - (i guess)

oh geez - so many things you say hit home here. less texting- llllllooooooves ow- (wtf) it's soooo cr@ppy -

i'm so sorry for you having to go thru this - so young- hang on- you're doing so good. maybe if i were younger i'd have plans and timelines and so on. honestly- i'm tired and do not see them - maybe resignation? idk- just floating along-

hope you can find some peace of mind today- you're doing so much- - - maybe try and get your brain to quiet down (somehow) sometimes if possible and give you a break. good luck

xxoo thanks for sharing your story here- it does help us all to know about each other's "hjourney"

[kml]

He's sometimes there for the kids, and sometimes not. He doesn't put the kids to bed or getting them up and ready, even though I'm the one who is up multiple times during the night. He goes to sleep at weird hours, like 3am and sleeps until noon, like I remember doing as a teenager too. He likes to invite people over and is including me with his new group of friends. They're all right, but not at the same point in life as me: younger, not married, no kids, not much in common. He wants to go places with me, do the things I'm doing, but he also wants to have his nights out 3-4 times a week.

Raine - doesn't he have a job? How is he able to keep those hours?

This whole setup just sounds bad to me - no boundaries, no consequences. It would be one thing if your H was working on himself, but it doesn't appear that he is. Do you think he respects you for feeding and housing him while he sets up his dates with other women???

You've had a chance to show him the new you, to let him bond with the baby, and to remind him about how good family life is. But someday soon now, you're gonna have to set some boundaries. He can't live at home if he's still sleeping with other women seems to be a minimum reasonable requirement!

[AJM]

One of my friend's H who left to have an affair wanted to make sure his wife would take him back before he broke up with the OW. Like he couldn't stand not having the option, or being without someone for even five minutes. That's what I feel like with my H right now too. He needs the options.

Um, yeah, it's kind of like as a kid, when you're fighting for independence and your parents don't let you do something. You pack your bag and leave. But only go far enough to be back in time for dinner, right?

Your comment about plans.. Hm... Seems to me life is life. Things happen that you didn't plan on. Somebody once mentioned to work outside the box. Seems to me we should just throw the box out and live for today. Tomorrow will be here soon enough

Peace,
AJ

[Raine]

Kml, sorry I should have specified those hours are on weekends and vacation time. He has a really good job and he is keeping that part of his life together quite well. The only reason I know about the OW is because I snoop. He hides all of that. And he doesn't date them. The two times he has met up with one of them since he has been back has been for 20-40mins. So it's not the same as when we were S, it's slowing down, but I don't feel like putting a boundary on that would help anything. We don't have a relationship. As far as what he has told me is he wants out, although we haven't talked about that for a very long time. I think at this point where he is if we are to ever work it out, he has to do this on his own and quit, not because he feels he will lose me. Either way I want him to get through this and grow up. Together or not, this is not the guy I want my kids knowing as a father. I don't have to stay married to him. I just don't want him to be stuck. I feel like that decision is a ways off from when I need to make it.

uRw, blue would be perfect! My concern is him not getting through this on his own timeline. I feel I totally could yank him out of this, but then wonder the rest of my life when is he going back in. I feel like I need to see it through. It's not like I have other options I'm interested in anyway. My life wouldn't change much D or M to him at this point. Finances would. The time he spends with the boys would. So to me even if I wanted a D, I'm still better to wait. There are times he helps out. Just not like how he was before BD. I think I talked in absolutes in that last post.

You're right AJ. Life itself is unpredictable. For the most part mine has gone according to plan, so I'm a bit unstable with flying by the seat of my pants.

[uRworthy]

Blue it is, my friend. I know just the suit. LOL!

Raine, though we share our thoughts and experiences on here, it is also uniquely our journey.

Though we can give you opinions, only you know what you can handle and what you cant. What you can accept, what you cant.

And you will know without a shadow of a doubt when you have had enough.

It is true, should you yank him out, he will find himself back there at some point. He has to finish this crisis. He has to find his way on his own.

And as long as you continue to grow, continue to live your life, continue to understand that this is his to figure out, you are ok.

I pray and wish for you peace and the knowledge that you are amazing in doing this. It takes a special kind of person, with strength and compassion.

[TSquared2]

Hi Raine,

I feel I totally could yank him out of this, but then wonder the rest of my life when is he going back in. I feel like I need to see it through. It's not like I have other options I'm interested in anyway. My life wouldn't change much D or M to him at this point. Finances would. The time he spends with the boys would. So to me even if I wanted a D, I'm still better to wait.

I agree with you and understand, I know, without doubt, that this has to be W's choice to reconcile. Or not.

I learned this is phase 1 where IC and I "helped". I did get a nice 6 months or so of reprieve and illusion that all was going to be better...

I hate that the test always seems to change too. What I sense from him is always changing, like at some points I feel like he wants me and at others he doesn't. I just don't know what is real or fake either. I think I do, but I can't ever be sure.

Yup...always changing as they work through their issues, and derivatives of those issues. It seems they must use the trial and error method instead of doing some thinking first...for now. I bet there is a lot of "background" thinking going on, H is probably not fully conscious of it yet. W has moved into thinking more. This is why we have to be as sure as we can of OUR paths, and plans, best to have multiple plans though...Plan A, Plan B, etc...good thing the alphabet has 26 letters so we can relax and not stress too much when Plan A fails, eh?

I think you are doing a wonderful job of being the lighthouse, the rock...our kids need that, even if our spouses think otherwise for themselves.


T^2

[Raine]

Nero, I'm glad to hear your hole was small enough to jump over. I've always had goals and plans for myself and expectations. I've gotten places very fast in life because of that. One thing I have learned through this is an incredible amount of patience. I have zero control of him. (Actually I think I could have a lot of control, temporarily, if I wanted to make that mistake.)

He knows he is at fault. He knows he is messed up. For me to quit now would be a waste of all the time already spent, other than all the growth--but I likely would have had the same amount of growth going through a D. A D wouldn't make any of this easier. It would still hurt and I would have a lot more doubts and regrets and wondering. Now there are many more pieces to the puzzle.

It very well may be he comes out of this and still doesn't want me or to work in the marriage. It may be that I don't want him. I just know that time hasn't come yet, but I will know when it does. It's hard to even think that way right now when I was holding on in a far worse situation. There are others here in a much worse situation. Things get better every month. It the broad spectrum he is moving closer to home in everyway. I'd regret not giving it more time, when I've already given it so much. But I won't stand forever. This has a limit.

Yet I am still protecting me. Knowing keeps me detached. I don't flirt with him or have any kind of physical contact but one off hugs or something like that. There really is no boundary to enforce at this point. The only options I have is to D him or to continue holding.

If anything I want my kids to know I did everything I could, and hopefully they will put that effort into their marriage. And H will know I did everything I could. I didn't abandon him at his darkest.

[uRworthy]

If anything I want my kids to know I did everything I could, and hopefully they will put that effort into their marriage. And H will know I did everything I could. I didn't abandon him at his darkest.

And that matters, ^^^^^ Raine. It matters.

[mizjjd]

Raine! I finally found you! Lol. I read your "test" post earlier today and then had to go to work. Do you think I could remember where I'd read that so I could respond? Well no of course not!

I love these sort of things.

My "hole" was sort of a crevasse. I couldn't see the edge, but it tapered from where I stood so I felt sure it wouldn't be Grand Canyon sized. I would just plan to walk around it. I wouldn't think to build anything and am definitely not a jumper. (Funny story, house we used to live at had a small creek in the back yard. Crossing over that creek was the quickest way to get to my kids' school. There was a downed tree across the creek. The kids all skipped merrily across this tree. Their mother? On her hands and knees crawling across. Much to the amusement of the 4 children. But, I made it )

So am I avoiding - do you think? I felt sure I could get around the hole with my walking method... By not using the environment I suppose I was relying on my perseverance..

Thanks for posting your quiz. It actually did make me feel a bit better about my sitch and perspective. And, it reminded me of a quiz I learned years back. I'll post it over on my thread.

Good for you for giving things your all. You can always be proud of how you've handled yourself.