DFE, Like you, I was very angry at my h for selfish choices. But my DB coach gave me great advice, which i learned to follow.
Lose the anger & work on real forgiveness. It is NOT condoning their actions. Forgiveness Means letting go of the past & doing what Our vows said to do, " go from this day forward."
You admit he did this twice before, but nothing was resolved when You reconciled. I don't call that a real reconciliation. More like, he just moved back in.
***Without NEW TOOLS & New behaviors
How can we expect to improve our marriages?
Isn't it clear we'll be right back here again, if we Learn nothing and repeat the same behaviors?***
Do this DB approach because You want to live a life unencumbered by pain from The past. You want the weight of the past OFF your shoulders (but not on his!)
If your h knows he's going to come home to an angry or Disappointed wife, might he Not want to come home?
For a long time i resented my h's career choices (medicine) & when he'd Work late for extra cases, i blamed him for putting the Accolades of his colleagues or patients ahead of his family's needs.
Sometimes i was "factually right", other times not. But being "Right" is Not as important as being happy or loving!
Back then, i feared being warm/loving when he'd come home late. I did not want to "reward" his selfish choices, after all.
So For years he came home to a w with her arms crossed, literally & figuratively.
Took me a great DB coach to ask " how is THAT approach working?" And What are you teaching your kids?
And my fav question,
"What if you gave your h a loving home to return to? Might he miss that more than an angry "right" wife?" Yikes, for an educated woman, i sure could be stubborn.
My DB coach was so totally right.
My h never takes extra cases now, unless he needs to AND he asks me my opinion. That's a big change in him, which followed huge changes in Me.
Please let go of the past and work on problems you now have.
The anger, (or at least showing him that anger from the past), only makes it seem impossible that he'll ever be out of the dog house with you. Plus it sounds as if you blame him for all of it.
Keep the Road Home, Paved & Smooth.
That does Not mean be a doormat. No marriage is worth saving "at ALL costs", but you can only change You. That's where the focus must be.
Good luck!
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
