Me 8 months on, dark and trying to detach.

[hotwheelsaust]

Fartiltre, it seems that throughout life I have copped constant flak and criticism from people in all walks of life. Maybe it is me who should stand up for myself better. Maybe I shouldn't worry about what is told to me so much. It affects me when I hear what I have done wrong or said, and I cannot remember those times. Examples I heard from the friend the other night: my boys are scared to do things with me as I constantly criticised them for doing it wrong. When? How? Why? I don't know or remember anything that resembled that, but this came from the boys speaking to the friend rather than the wife. The friend mentioned that the wife was really happy when I took off to be with my brother at the time of BD for three days, that I was a different person when I got back. Someone she liked, but then she said it lasted 24 hours only. Again, I sit here thinking I put in a big effort for weeks to be a better person, never saying anything wrong, helping out, talking. So what and why is it mentioned that I went back to being the same person. This is why it affects me so much.
I understand fully when I see what I have done wrong and take ownership of it. What is a struggle is it seems so many things I have down wrong, cannot be explained or remembered. It would be okay if I was a drug or drinker but I am not. So I feel scared, confused and a lot of other emotions, when I cannot change something that I don't know is happening.

I don't know. If my friend told me something about my behavior I'd dig as much deeper as I can. I remember over a year ago my best friend told me something what her husband said about me. Oh I remember I was so FURIOUS to hear that. I hate when my friends' spouses say something about me but especially from her husband who she was once ready to leave from said negative about me? I was really mad. But few months later I got a BD bomb from my H and my world shuttered right? While I was soul-searching, one of the things I was able to do was to drop anger about a lot of things. At some point I remembered what her husband said about me and I totally understood why he thought that. Mind you I almost never see him. I've only seen him a couple of times a year but he still saw some negative thing about me, which was totally spot-on.

Can you really not recall any incident that links to why the friend said about your boys being afraid to do anything with you? You seem to think and critic a lot about your sit here so maybe that trait sometimes comes out when you are with boys? I obviously don't know because I don't know you in person.

But what I wanna say is if a couple or few people have said similar things about you, maybe they see what you don't see.
It takes guts for friends and family to point out negatives so when they do I think they mean it.

stilllookingup, the friend is a mutual friend trying is best to help me while I suppose help the W and the family (including my boys). He is very good natured guy and one of those people you are lucky to have friendship with. But in saying that, he would take the friendship with the family (especially the SIL, who is like a daughter to him) over our friendship. When he tells me things he does this for my benefit, for me to learn, for me to understand. He will not tell me anymore about what they either saw/heard/noticed. His view is he would lose the trust of someone else if it was told, again that is more important to him than how it can help/hinder my M.
We spent over 4 hours the other night talking about my relationship with the W, family, sons, and friends. He gives me the negatives and positives as he sees it, as he has heard from others and I suppose from what has come from the separation.
I have been a negative person for many years, always looking at the glass half empty rather than half full. And as T1000's example states, I probably spent more time finding or saying things when something was wrong, rather than when things were right.
Thanks for the help and feedback stilllookingup.