Me 8 months on, dark and trying to detach.

[Fartiltre]

Hi HWA

SLU and T have already posted but I feel I have to respond as well so here goes!

Again, thanks again, for getting me so well. It helps a lot.

Thanks, this made me feel good!

I posted this some days ago in your thread – it still counts!

Please do take the above as caring! If it seems harsh I will not apologize for it, but if it seems to be not well meant I sincerely do apologize!
HWA, you have been doing great but you have turned to focusing all your energy and thought towards W and worries.

First: It seems to me like you have shifted focus in your last post. You have shifted from W but unfortunately you haven’t shifted to YOU – you have shifted to other people around you. Other people you can’t control.
Keep in mind that this is about YOU, YOU and only YOU!

Fartiltre, it seems that throughout life I have copped constant flak and criticism from people in all walks of life.

This is not about them! It is about you!
And trust me when I tell you that I understand! I have been feeling like the black sheep of the family for almost 30 years. It will never ever go away, but I have learned to deal with it several years ago! I can do whatever I want and these things will still stick! It is a stamp in my forehead! I didn’t behave so well in my teens and the problems started there!
I can’t change what I did, but I can surely look into it and then decide how I feel about it! I have done this with my brother and a friend several times.
This has brought me peace in regards of this. If they want to look at me as the black sheep, then fine by me, because I don’t feel like it. I surely did, but now I don’t! When I did it was extremely hurtful but looking into the thing gave me the opportunity to pay my excuses where I felt it was needed and then move on. I did this in my late twenties. At that point I was a completely different person but it still sticked and it still does!

What you are facing could be similar and I believe it is!

You can’t change what’s done but you must learn to accept it! People talk, yes! But smoke comes from a fire and therefore these matters that people talk about normally have some truth into them.

You can’t rest on these matters – they will haunt you: Either address them or let them go!
When realizing why the smoke is there this is about accepting or acting. Do something or forget about it!

If my friend told me something about my behavior I'd dig as much deeper as I can.

I agree on this one – I would too!

If I never said anything to him and then later my mother asked me how it went I could have easily said he just criticized me.

This is an excellent example!!

If rumors are that you criticize then there is properly something to it.

You should look into these matters! Perhaps you are overlooking something when stating:

my boys are scared to do things with me as I constantly criticized them for doing it wrong. When? How? Why? I don't know or remember anything that resembled that, but this came from the boys speaking to the friend rather than the wife.

And perhaps you haven’t been all the way around when you state:

I understand fully when I see what I have done wrong and take ownership of it. What is a struggle is it seems so many things I have down wrong, cannot be explained or remembered.

What is good is that you see the possibility of “many things” – but you can’t remember or get explanations. I recall you telling about your brother whom you are close to and confidential with. Have you tried consulting him? Or the friend you told about? You need confidentiality because asking people to criticize you is a great deal too many and therefore the answer “I see nothing – you are just a great guy” is always a risk! But then – dig deeper as SLU wrote!

Trust the smoke-thing! There is an origin to this! Seek it and then either do something or let it go!

It affects me when I hear what I have done wrong or said, and I cannot remember those times.

Off course it does! You are human!

The friend mentioned that the wife was really happy when I took off to be with my brother at the time of BD for three days, that I was a different person when I got back. Someone she liked, but then she said it lasted 24 hours only.

If this is a close friend perhaps you could get some explanation. Perhaps this could be interesting to you. I have done this with friends in the past. If it is honest and open it can be very enlightening.

Again, I sit here thinking I put in a big effort for weeks to be a better person, never saying anything wrong, helping out, talking. So what and why is it mentioned that I went back to being the same person. This is why it affects me so much.

That’s her experience! Trust it and look into it!
Also remember that weeks will not pay up for years!

It looks like you have made tremendous changes but do realize that history is darn hard to erase. Read about all the WASs in here that have left the perfect spouse only due to history! Same thing! This is how it goes and you can only control you!
This is also DBing! 180 and then all the patience in the world!


You can make a little shortcut that possible will make you feel good!
MEET NEW PEOPLE!!!! 25 have written this many times – now you know why! Make new friends that only know the new you!
As I recall you have mentioned people paying you compliments more than once in your thread! Focus on this instead! Meet people that’s doesn’t know the old you!





How do you feel when looking into the mirror? If you are OK then people can talk all they want and it won’t get to you because you either know it is the truth or you know it is BS.
When you are not OK this will get to you as it does now! Since you don’t know why people are talking and at the same time you are feel turmoil and hurt because of BD - these things hit you hard.

Reading your thread it seems that you are not feeling OK and that should be your main goal! Not feeling OK will hit your attitude, your self-esteem, your PMA and a lot of other very important factor in regards of how attractive you look!
Consider addressing this with your coach on Tuesday!
Consult your brother, friends and so on!
Read personal development books! (MWD: “Fire your shrink” could be a starter!)
Work on you!

I understand fully when I see what I have done wrong and take ownership of it. What is a struggle is it seems so many things I have down wrong, cannot be explained or remembered. It would be okay if I was a drug or drinker but I am not. So I feel scared, confused and a lot of other emotions, when I cannot change something that I don't know is happening.

I have these feelings as well but only as long as I don’t understand. Enlighten yourself and it will go away! The unknown scares us! If you do something about it this feeling will go away and that’s a promise! I have been there and done that!
It will hang on for a long time. People remember! The important thing is how YOU feel about YOU!
What you are facing has so many parallels to BD and DBing that it blows my mind!

So question is: What will you do?

The list in your post is fine but what about you??? I have put some suggestions above but get into this work and do it now! Also make your goals action oriented for yourself. Example:

better relationship with the boys

How will you act to accomplish this?


You have done well in DBing but as I see it and read it you should start over not looking at wife, M or BD but looking into HWA, friends, sons and so on!

But first get settled in regards of the houses, jetski, settling, finance and all of that!

Maybe it is me who should stand up for myself better. Maybe I shouldn't worry about what is told to me so much.

Make yourself better and content then this won’t be necessary! Standing up will be natural and you won’t worry simply because your self-esteem is in place!

what I really want, and I suppose most of us do, is to simply have that closeness to someone you care so much about. To touch them, to sit with them, to have someone to cuddle up to.

Oh, yes!!! And I am lucky to have kids to ease my pain so again: I understand!!


You seem to be a great guy and I would love to have a cold one with you one day
Keep pushing forward! Keep working on YOU!

Best of thoughts!

F