After reading Labug's post, I have something to add. IC had me write out what I wanted in a marriage awhile back. While my H did have many of the attributes (eh, obviously NOT the fidelity part) one of the things that bugged me was during the week he would work, eat dinner and lay on the couch watching TV. While I like to take the kids out for "adventures". Sure, some nights I'm spent and don't want to, but this was a constant battle/complaint. I just felt really alone.
All we dicussed for him to move back in, was to help out around the house, cook dinner once a week (I work 3 days a week) and pick up kids one of those days. While there are nights, like last night, that he stayed in while I went out with the kids, he had worked 12 hours...he was engaged with the kids the minute they walked in the door, helped with dinner, read a book while we were outside, and the minute we walked back in took D2 and put her to bed. Most nights he is right there following us out for a walk, bike ride, what have you. He just steps up.
So last night we were both reading our books before bed. Which, is amazing that my H is on book #2 that IC has recommended since he has never read a whole book in his life. I was reading, but eating a snack too. I'd set the book on my belly and get a scoop of peanut butter and then a bite of my apple and go back to reading. Then I felt he was looking at me, so I look over and he has this look on his face with a tear in his eye. He goes "God, you are so beautiful and amazing. I just can't believe I'm here with you." Then he asked me to read a paragraph in his book. "This is exactly how I have felt my whole life. No excuses, it just is. I feel relief that now I have words to put to these feelings. I'm so lucky to have a safe place to try to work through this. Thank you." I read the paragraph. Tears just streamed down. God, it just makes me grateful that I grew up feeling safe. The book is about Shame and the paragraph basically said that you feel a need or a feeling, you are ashamed. He elaborated a bit "Like if we had money, I was ashamed, if we were broke I was ashamed. If I needed you to hug me, shame. If I needed to cry, laugh..."
I have no idea if I can trust my H again. I do see a grown up infront of me. I see his courage to really try to walk through this damage, with no excuses. Im doing the same, working through my own issues. Patience and time will tell. I will except no less than what I know I deserve.
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
I am really happy for you T. Though I have my doubts about your husbands ability to keep this up, it does show me that he really wants to. THAT is the truly important thing in all of this. You are obviously good so I will take you off my prayer list...but in your place, I will add your H, that he can continue this and it become the norm! You definitely deserve it!
Take care of yourself, and be good to you. I know it's tough to open your heart again, but it's good too.
I thought of this today when I read your sitch, it's from the song "Calling all Angels"
Oh and every day you gaze upon the sunset With such love and intensity. Why it's almost as if, if you could only crack the code You'd finally understand what this all means.
Oh but if you could, do you think you would Have traded all the pain and suffering? Oh, but then you would've missed the beauty of the light upon this earth And the sweetness of the leaving.
Thanks guys!! Ya, it is scary to open myself up, but I know what can happen. Of course I can't expect that I will feel nothing should he cheat, but I know it's a very real possibility. Brian, I too wonder how long he'll keep it up, and each day I'm pleasantly surprised when he actually does more. But, time will tell. If anything it's so much relief having help in the final stretch of the pregnancy. Even a good friend of ours was over for the 4th and was floored by how helpful and kind he was towards the kids & I. She was all "dang, can he give my hubs a lesson." I just laughed. I just keep watching. Not like a waiting for the other shoe to drop, but really seeing if this is permantant or to get me back, though it seems very genuine.
IC recommended 2 John Bradshaw books, He has already read Bradshaw on the family and now it's Healing the Shame. He asked if I'd be willing to read them too and I am. I'm a fast reader, and am really enjoying the first book.
I'm having my own issues with my mom right now. The woman is a severe co dependant & the sitch with my uncle, my little brothers life (ya, for real. Will he graduate, find a wife...it's nuts) and my sitch has her super stressed. We've always been a close family, but I just don't hang out there as much as my other sibs. She was doing her passive aggressive crap & I just do t play the dance anymore, so she was ignoring my calls & texts. Out of the blue she sends me a very attacking text about my kids and I'm really upset about it. Didn't like S4 haircut, and a pic I sent in a text where D2 was running through the sprinkler in her underwear. It was pretty mean, and sonething she does. Bottle stuff in and explode with the most hurtful mean words. It's something I'm working on in IC, but I'm quite upset about it. I responded with a text, but don't feel ready to talk. I just want to enjoy my 4 day weekend with my little family.
I hope everyone had a great 4th!!!! We are headed to the gym then a BBQ!
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
Just finished catching up with your sitch. I am so happy for you that things are going so well. And I am so happy you have the support you need for this last stretch of your pregnancy. I didn't have it and it was really tough.
As for the future, you can: a) wonder when the other shoe will drop and be anxious about it b) you can stop focusing on that and live (and enjoy) the present, because that is where you are and all you really have
As for being vulnerable, I think that has to be our worst fear - for all of us on these boards. Yet, that is something you would have to do either with your H or in another R (ANY R), don't you think?
So might as well take the leap of faith with the man you love and the father of your kids. Yes, the stakes are high, but so are the rewards...
Enjoy your rest of your weekend!
((((Tallula))))
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
Hey Tallula!!!! Im wishing you all the best. Sounds like things are moving well for you. I always like reading your posts because your an inspiration what your able to handle. Good luck with the pregnancy and I hope your H keeps up the good work.
M: 43 W: 43 Married: 17 Together: 20 BD: 4/8/13 no legal or physical S as of yet 3 kids: S:14 D:13 D:9 W admitted EA: 5/5/13 Mediation started: 6/3/13 W says EA is done: 6/30/13 - still interested in D
Thanks KG and Steve! Regardless of what happens, having a supportive partner during the end of this pregnancy is a gift I do not take lightly. I was prepared to go this alone, so this suprise is quite joyful.
I had IC last night and the main focus was the R with my mom and family. We discussed a little of my issues with triggers for affair stuff, but honestly, I just deal and move on. It's weird what will trigger a thought. Sitting in bed and looking down at his leg and the thought "Other women have touched that leg..." He'll see the look on my face and say "where are you." For awhile I'd say, "I'm ok, just give me a second." but he said "you can tell me, I need to know and help you if I can." I figure they will either go away, or they won't and I decide then how I want to live.
My IC gave me some real great things to think about with my family. So I called my mom and spoke with her for the first time since her mean text. She apologised, like she always does. But through the conversation I just saw how much she tries to manage everyone and everything in this family. It was our first real conversation about my H being back. I just needed time to sort through what I was going to do, and then she stopped returning my calls...and here we are. So I listened to her concerns and complaints. I simply said "I'm doing the best I can mom. I took some space because I didn't know what I was going to do. I hope you all can see that I see a difference in H enough to allow him home, but I am not going to justify my decision to anyone. I understand your concern and worries, I have plenty myself. But I'm taking it a day at a time. Also, he is my H and I refuse to compartmentalize my life. You all haven't been in the same room since thanksgiving..." So, she interupts and says that no one knows what is going on, my brothers are upset, and that I should have a sit down with my whole family so we can talk it out. Um...what?!?! So as she is talking about what she thinks I need to do to make this a smooth thing and constantly saying that they all have a right to be mad (which I have always said they all have a right to whatever feeling they have) , I just think "I'm not doing that?!!" No one has called to ask me what is going on, if they are so concerned, flipping call me. This is what she does. If my brothers are in fact concerned, then THEY should call me, not her figuring out how I will discuss this and make everyone ok with my decision. I was silent for awhile and said. "I'll call everyone individually and tell them H is back. I'm not having a "meeting" about this. This is between you all and H and you all can work out your R. Not at some sit down, just at a birthday party or whatever. Or heck, the birth of #3. Everyone has a right to feel how they feel. I have allowed this separation for too long and it's not my job to manage it. It will go badly or well. Not in my hands."
Sigh. H doesn't want to see them, cause they hate him. They don't want to see him...because they hate him. Fun stuff, but the cool thing is, I know today it's not my job to fix it. Today, I just get to worry about me. What I do. It's my life, not anyone else's. This stuff with my mom is deep. I'm peeling the layers away. I've always known she judges my life and decisions and takes that as a direct insult to the way she lives hers. She said that last night. "I feel like you don't agree with the way you were raised." Um...left field...what?!? How are we making this about you? This is why I need stronger boundaries with her.
Her opinion matters, it still does. Not as much though. I saw that for the first time last night. In one breath she was asking in what ways he has changed, I told her I wasn't going to justify my decision, so she got mad and said that if I could step outside myself I would see what a mistake I'm making. I calmly said she is entitled to her opinion...then she says she supports my decision, in her "I totally do NOT support this" voice. My parents best friends had this happen early in their marriage. He walked out when she had a newborn and they were separated almost a year. Now they have 3 kids and my parents don't hate him. She said she'd ask them how they got her family on board and snidely adds "But he wasn't as mean as H was." I took a deep breath and said "Well, from what you told me, it seems he was. But, whatever mom. I understand that you are mad at him. I'm your kid." She said a few hurtful things. But it's ok because I know my truth. It's MINE. She doesnt' have to get it, no one does. I feel such freedom in that. Today, just for today, I will not let the opinions of others influence my truth. FREEDOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
