mizjjd, I've never posted to you before, but wanted to reach out and let you know that I, too, am married (soon D'd) to a gambler. Like yours, my H convinced me that he was good at it (poker) and it was like a second job. He was very secretive about it, keeping his "bankroll" in a safe deposit box. I just immersed myself in raising my kids, being grateful for being a SAHM.
I was in denial. The truth was too scary. I was constantly living on tilt not knowing whether H was going to destroy us financially. I never knew how much money he had at any given time. That was all a secret. When I asked for information or voiced my concerns I got the usual "you don't know what you're talking about" and "this is why I don't talk to you about poker," among other responses. He was gaslighting me.
For awhile my H was winning tournaments and, from monitoring his mood, he was doing well. That went on for years and fed his delusion and mine. But then things changed. I found documents for a loan he took out against his car at 96% interest. He hid his annual bonus (very large amount) from me, saying he wasn't getting one that year. He planned that months in advance. It wasn't until tax time that I learned the truth.
My H became impatient and angry and started making snide comments to me about not working. He started insisting that we sell our house. He started blaming me for our financial situation. In a book I read the author stated "the winnings are theirs, the debts are ours." So true.
According to a therapist I met with that specializes in gambling addiction, there's a re-wiring of the brain that happens with gamblers. The longer it goes on the more permanent the change. My H would need constant support if he ever wanted to be in recovery.
There's a lot of information about why people gamble. A lot of it is consistent with why and how MLC develops.
Your H will likely tell you whatever he needs to to convince you and himself that what he's doing is "work" and he has to do it for your financial survival. He will gamble more and more, missing family time to do it. He will become completely disconnected, if he isn't already. There are scripts and behaviors that all addicts follow. It doesn't matter whether he's winning or not. It's an addiction and highly destructive.
mizjjd, my marriage is ending because of my H's addiction. The D process has been brutal, also because of his addiction. He has blamed everything on me, but I know the truth is that, while there were ways that I could have been a better wife, my H's addiction brought us down.
Whether your H has an OW or not is the least of your concern. In general, because he is keeping a stash of money he can and will do whatever he wants. Like my H, he could walk out the door and fund a whole new life. He can pay for legal services, a home, dating, whatever he wants to as long as he has money that you don't have access to.
mizjjd, I've been where you are and it's a terrible place to be. Like you, I loved my H very much. I wanted my kids to have a wonderful childhood. In the end, none of that mattered. Addiction ruined it all and I'm living with constant fear of being further harmed emotionally and financially.
Please take care of yourself, seek information and help if you feel it's appropriate in your situation.
